Quitting You

oOo oOo oOo

I empathized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you."

I don't think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It's not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you'd be perfectly fine without it.

I thought I've done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?

This is probably the hardest quitting I'm ever going to have to do. I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it's oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.

It was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I'd like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.

How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?

Maybe I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am.

I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.

I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I'll never be good enough, like I'm begging for his time and attention, like there's something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?

Guess I wouldn't be eating merienda for a long time.

(--;)