Exorcism of Jenn

WARNING: this post is going to be a long winded one… so if you have better things to do… then I warn you not to read this anymore…
Still here?
Thank you.
Today, I broke my heart…
How?
Well… let’s start from the beginning.
This morning when I got home, I went straight to the computer and checked if any of my friends were online. There were two, Rishy and Gian. I PM’ed them and after sharing a brief conversation, I went on to do my morning rituals and went to school to talk to Dex.
I found Dex lounging around the food court. Here was how our conversation went:
Jenn: Dex, may meeting po ba ang mga SR?
Dex: Hey Jenn, walang meeting.
Jenn: I see, so how come you made me come here?
Dex: I needed to talk to you.
Jenn: What about?
Dex: About us.
Jenn: I thought that there was no
US?
Dex: That’s what I wanted to talk about.
Jenn: *confused*
Dex: I gave you my watch the other day kasi I wanted to tell you that I envy the way you manage your time. Saka I noticed that you didn’t have one, tapos I just wanted to give you my favorite watch because I wanted you to know how I appreciate you being a part of my life for this past few years. I value our friendship.
Jenn: *embarrassed*
Dex: Oh… you thought… *understanding blooms on his face*
Jenn: Err… yeah.
Dex: *blushes bright red*
Jenn: Is that all po?
Dex: Bakit mo ko pino-po?
Jenn: Err… *a lump that as large as a baseball was blocking my throat* Yun lang po ba?
Dex: Look, I’m sorry if I sent you mixed messages…
Jenn: It’s ok. It’s the story of my life. Is there anything else Sir?
Dex: Kanina po... ngayon Sir naman… Ano ka ba?
Jenn: *I wanted to hide under a rock* Is that all?
Dex: Wala ka na bang ibang sasabihin? Kundi ‘is that all?’
Jenn: Erm, yeah. Well if that’s all there is to it, I have to go.
Dex: Look, I’m really sorry.
Jenn: Sorry about what? You didn’t do anything. I really have to go. I’ll see you around the office na lang Dex. *I badly wanted to run away*
Dex: I’m really sorry.
Jenn: *turns around, then walks away whispering* not as sorry as I am.
At this point, I exited the food court and went to the parking lot. (I think I was hyperventilating at this point…) then my friend Donna calls me up asking a humongous favor. Since I had nothing better to do, I went on and said yes to the favor she was asking…
I went to Pope Pius (at
U.N. Ave) and became the Stage Manager of the play that her company was producing. This distracted me from my utter embarrassment with the Dex fiasco. While the play was being rehearsed, I was texting Gian. I wanted to pour my heart out to him, but I remembered that he had his own Shiite to deal with so I sucked it up and went on with the rehearsal.
After the play, Donna was asking me to join them eat dinner and attend the gimmick that the cast and staff were going to. I declined and went home.
Upon reaching the house, I went straight to my room and saw state in which I left it this morning. In my haste to go meet Dex, I left my room looking as if Hurricane Katrina dropped in and paid a visit.
I just grit my teeth and went to my closet to change my clothes. I grabbed my favorite comfy lavender pajamas and white almost tattered Lacoste shirt. After changing, I picked up my pillows that were on the floor (all four of it), folded my comforter (that was also on the floor) and several items of clothing that were scattered and hung all across my room. Then on my study table I saw it… Dex’s watch.
I suddenly felt all my embarrassment, frustrations, anger and whatnot pour out.
I sat on my cot and cried.
I cried for the stupidity that I have been committing for the past 23 years.
I cried for my ex who didn’t appreciate the way I took care of him.
I cried for my relationship with my mom and how it seems that we could never fix it.
I cried for my father who I miss so much.
I cried because I was scared for myself. I don’t know where I really am headed.
I cried because my friend G was also feeling lost.
I cried because of the injustice of societal dictate of its definition of what beauty is.
I cried for the people that couldn’t cry for themselves not because they couldn’t cry, but because people were relying on them to be strong for them.
I cried for my shoulda, woulda, couldas…
I cried for my lost friend Jazzy, whom it seems everyone has forgotten. (I miss you Jazzy…)
I cried because it was healthy to let it all out.
After that long crying jag… I stood up and went to the bathroom…
I cleaned each tile that was there… I scrubbed the walls, the floor and yes, the throne itself.
I poured my anger, frustration, depression and all my energy in making those tiles gleam.
While rinsing the soap off the walls and bowl, I felt as if I were also cleansing myself of all the negative things that I have kept inside me. I felt renewed. Now… all I need is a good night’s sleep.
So there…