Let Me

Let me cry,

allow the tears to cascade slowly down my cheeks,
as i shout my rage and pound my fists,
and grant me empty whispers and quiet tirade.
but please dont watch me, i am so ashamed...

Let my weep,

allow my sobs to echo noisily within this barren room,
grant me to seek refuge in my own sorrow.
sanctuary which i could never find in you.
give me the chance to savor each tear like vintage wine.

now Let me rest,

let me dry these tears with the cold night air,
allow me to lay my head upon the earthen floor,
to let me rest
a minute more
never to wake...

let me go,
in peace...

oOo

*sigh*

i just had a dream... one that felt so real... but when i woke up and realized that it was just a dream, i felt such a deep loss.

when i woke up i wanted that dream to be so real. i felt this ache in me that desperately wanted it to be true.

i cried after that dream... coz i know, it is one of the deepest most desperate desire of my heart... my life... one that i know will never come true.

dreams really are the manifestation of one's suppressed thoughts and feelings...

oOo

onto happier thoughts, i had nothing better to do in the office the past few days so i took some pictures of my new cutie. he remains unnamed... so temporarily he is known as Cutie. ^_^

Cutie is the new mascot for XBOX. *snicker* thats him taking in calls... isnt he just adorable?

this is the funny part, Cutie was caught surfing sites unrelated to XBOX so he was given a C.A. by our TM Walter... *snicke* (see picture below)

in the same day, Cutie was also given a commendation by one of the clients because of his great customer service and adorable voice. thats the reason why he has that XBOX 360 football stress reliever... awwww... ^_^ isnt he Cute?

till next time... watch out for Cutie's misadventures at NCO-RMH...

oOo

let me disappear into oblivion,
wher i can be at rest.

let me escape this world,
where i have never been a part.

i ahve never belonged anywhere,
though i have pretended to be for awhile.

but my mark is soon fading fast,
and i cannot anymore stand my ground.

nothing makes sense anymore
and nothing seems worthwhile.

so please let me close my eyes,
let me embrace this fading light.

soon things will be alright,
and at last, peace will be mine.

Search for my Happy Place (Day 3)

Funny how most people keep on saying that when theyre looking to something they always find it at the last place they look in.

well duh!

basically if you are looking for something and then you find it, do you still go look for it somewhere else?

i dont think so.

so whats my point here?

all im trying to sy is that i found my happy place and that happy place is me being with my friends.

while taking a bath earlier i had an epiphany... i am a happy person because i love interacting with people. specifically friends. im sad because i love my friends. but the bottomline here is that i cannot live without my friends because they make my life miserable yet happy at the same time.

i finally found my happy place.

my friends are MY happy place.

i realized that i was not happy because i worry about their problems and i really shouldnt.

i also realized that i am the one causing my misery. not them.

duh!

*snicker* im stupid that way...

anyway... yesterday i just won 2 tickets to the premiere of the movie "The Prestige." i sure hope that this movie is good.

i wonder who am going to take along to watch that movie...

Looking for my Happy Place (Day 1)

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happines in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." - Og Mandino

i am embarking on a journey to find my happy place and pick up the pieces of my fragmented self.

this past few weeks have been taking its toll on me. i have been spreading myself too thin and now im hanging on to my sanity by the tips of my fingernails. ive often wondered why whenever my friends would confide in me about their problems i would often end up being bothered about their problems as well.

im trying to find a coping mechanism for this weird glitch in my system. but since i havent found that yet, am suffering in silence.

whenever im depressed and bothered i would just go sleep it off. but lately i have been losing sleep and i havent been my usual effusive self. i also tried to go to my happy place, but it has been elusive to me as well.

i kinda figured out that the reason why im pretty depressed and disappointed is because i dont have time for myself anymore. i devote most of my time lately trying to resolve other people's issues (may it be my friends or clients)

so this is the solution that i came up with.

im eschewing all my friends for the moment and go find my happy place. i dont even want to think of which ball i need to drop, so im dropping all the balls that im juggling altogether.

now the main problem here is that i dont know how to go to my happy place. coffee and ciggies arent as effective as they used to be...

well day one for the search for my happy place has been going relatively well. im kinda happy that i was able to talk to my wonderful wonderful wonderful best friend Dodie. but im eschewing him as well for this soul search.

i miss myself. i miss smiling. i miss laughing. i miss my happy place.

End of Day Happy Place Search Result: one step closer to my happy place. Thanks Dodie. Love you so much Bes.

oOo

"Zen is the practice of moment by moment awareness... The past is done, the future is not yet here, neither of those two are real. Only the present matters" - Zen

down the drain

i feel pretty down.

im astounded why im affected but well... let me just wonder for awhile...

im disappointed as well.

i hate this feeling.

why the hell am i so affected about what other people do?

these are the times that i hate being an empath and i hate having friends.

this always happen.

whenever any of my friends would do something stupid/bad i feel bad as well. its like I was the one that did the deed.

bwakananginangshetpakurleche.

i really need a world class SWEAR WORD for this type of letdown. so that i can vent out...

i feel so let down.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

bite me

my drama queen persona has once again been trying to push herself up to the surface. as much as possible i try to keep her under the radar because I become this girly girl that keeps on ranting about everything that doesn't go MY way.

today Robbie called me up. I told him that P.B and I were going to hang out on Saturday night. I also told him that I might bring P.B as well to my Bessy's birthday shindig at this bar somewhere down South.

Robbie goes.. "okay. I won't 'not' allow you to go to the party and hang out with P.B. you're old enough to know what is right or wrong."

so I'm like.. "what the... what do you mean by "you're old enough to know what is right or wrong" ?'

Robbie: "you know what I mean by that."

Me: "Spell it out for me."

Robbie: "I find it inappropriate for a girl to spend time alone with another guy overnight. be it a boyfriend or a boy-friend."

Me: "...and I thought you knew ME..."

Robbie: "...and I thought YOU knew me..."

Me: "I do. I just don't appreciate the way that you delivered that line."

Robbie: "Kilala natin pareho si P.B. You both had a thing for each other when you were with Nathan and he was with Cheyenne. I'm not comfortable knowing that you're spending the night with him."

Me: : "I stay overnight at Howie's but you don't mind that. Double standards eh?"

Robbie: "You frustrate me so much. Howie and P.B are two different people. I don't need to explain further. YOU KNOW what I'm trying to point out here."

Me: "whatever..."

Robbie: "I hate it when you do that! I'm your bestfriend.. your BOYRFIEND... don't treat me like your little friends or your "kids". You frustrate me so much! You know what, I'm not sorry that you agreed to take our friendship to the next step, but I'm sorry that I've been expecting more from you now that you're my girlfriend. Maybe it was really wrong of me to push you into entering this relationship. Let's rethink this ok. So would you be ok if we sorta cooled things off?"

Me: "oh... sure."

oOo

The transcription above isn't verbatim but that's what I remembered from the conversation.

I didn't exactly think that Robbie breaking up with me would hurt, but it does! *sigh* why the hell do I do stupid things anyway... :'(

nothing really.

last sunday was my maternal grandfather's 30th death anniversary. so after church my mum and i went to visit. call me strange but i do enjoy visiting my gwakong's mausoleum because its very peaceful there.

on our way to the semetery, my mum was pretty worried because she didnt know if the mausoleum got hit bad. turns out, it came out unscathed. watermarks were the worst damages that appeared.

thats my gwakong, isnt he handsome? the lady on the left was his 2nd wife, while the lady on the right was his 1st wife. my gwama (maternal grandmother) was his third wife.

the blue background actually symbolizes the sky. you cant actually see the small chips of mirrors that are embedded in the wall, but they're there. its so pretty when you actually see it in person. its like the night sky with stars twinkling.

oOo

im uberly happy today because my friend Shelley gave me a new set of dishes... it actually came at the right time because i just bought myself a new set of cookware. arent the dishes that she gave me very pretty? the serving bowls, the dishes and the soup bowls are all in white... a pretty pretty matched set.

these are my new pots and pans... thats my bonsai cactus.. *snicker* looks sad doesn't it? im so excited to cook on my new cookware. i actually bought wooden spoons so that i wouldn't scratch off the TEFLON coating on the pans.

my new dishes!!!

oOo

just got back from the rec room, watched Matrix (Reloaded) with Bessy. while watching the movie, he was eating the salad that i bought for him. ^_^ he was insulted at every comment that i threw at the movie since according to him, Matrix is one of his all time favorites.. *snicker*

tres lame! kidding...

anyhoo, `nuff said... gotta log-in in 10 minutes. ^_^