a Letter to my Bes

Dear Bes,

I don’t know when you might be reading this blog… so there.

I don’t know how to act around you lately. I don’t know what to expect.

Half of the time I’m worried/concerned. A fourth of the time I’m exasperated. Another fourth of the time I’m resigned.

I don’t know kung sumosobra na ako. Or feeling ko kulang pa ba ginagawa ko as a bes?

On the emotion meter lately, I’m hovering between exasperated and resigned.

I feel pretty ineffective as a bes.

I don’t know maybe its because… yeah… I’m just getting to know you. Maybe because I care too much? Maybe because I really DON’T understand what you’re going through?

Too many maybes.

I’m on a messed up rollercoaster right now. One day am too high. One day am too low. Most of the time I’m just going through those nauseating corkscrews and going round in circles.

Its like this, I LOVE (for lack of a more appropriate term) helping you out, listening to you rant and yeah I love you in general.. coz you’re my bes.

At times you’re not helping me though. I’m pretty messed up too you know… so how do I say this? Tagalugin ko na…

Its like I’m in a no win situation. Pag sinabi ko na nahihirapan na rin ako sa kaka-worry sayo, baka hindi ka na magsabi ng problems mo sakin. Pero pag hindi ko naman sinabi, im stressed out further coz I worry about you nga.

I don’t know.. im confused din eh… ahahahaha labo ko dba? Maybe this is just separation anxiety? Heheheheh…. Don’t ask why… hehehehehehe…

ALSO, you are not honoring your “promise” to me… (or maybe im just taking this a tad to literally) you said that you wanna keep me till we’re old and wrinkled… at the rate that you are going, I doubt that you’d reach the old and wrinkled part. I’m kinda afraid that one of these days you’re just gonna keel over and die out of sheer exhaustion. (drama!)

I’ve told you this over and over again, I am not your mum, nor do I ever wish that I was your mum.

Call it what you must but I believe(?) that as your “BES” it is my duty/obligation/responsibility to take care of you. And remind you stuff and whatever.

I love MY family to death and I would die for them if it comes to that point. I consider you as part of my family too (just in case you didn’t know)

If someone told me a month ago that we would be friends… I wouldnt believe that person. Why? Coz im VERY picky when it comes to having friends, pero when it came to us… it just happened. Like water flows over everything… our friendship just happened.

Please help me understand. Coz I’m pretty frustrated right now. And im actually amazed that you are the present RANT in my blog.

Im frustrated by the way I feel as if im ineffective as a friend. I feel frustrated coz I don’t know what else I should do to let you realize that you SHOULD take care of yourself. I feel frustrated coz I don’t know if the things I SMS you hurt you or offend you or whatever. Im also frustrated coz I feel stupid. Coz I have a lot of things to say to you but when youre there… I cant seem to find those words.

Parang ganito yung scenario… take note.. PARANG. Kung boyfriend kita tapos bihira tayo magkita… gusto ko pag nagkikita tayo masaya lang parati… (Did that make sense? Coz it did in my convoluted mind. hahahaha)

*deep sigh*

So what else is there to say? See!!! Nawala na sila sa isip ko kasi at this moment naiisip ko na baka nagtatampo ka na or what… ayaw ko ng ganun.

*deeper sigh*

Im mortified (yep mortified…) that im ranting about you… hehehehe.. coz youre one of those few people who read my blog… but im taking the advantage of being tipsy to tell you whatever is going through my alcohol pickled brain.

Make me understand bes… (or if that’s too much of a hassle.. its aryt… wag na lang… nakapag vent naman na ako.)

I actually don’t know if I’m still making sense… all I know is that I just NEED to get this rant out for me to be able to go to sleep in relative peace.

I think… I think too much…

You think?

Right…

Whatever.