A Girl Who Has Everything

In a few days I will be celebrating my 24th birthday, while my dad will be celebrating his 54th (i think) some people have already approached me and asked what would I want for my special day...

So what do you give a girl who has everything?

Nothing.

You may wonder why I say that I have everything.. coz I do.

I have a wonderful family that loves me. My mum maybe a facist at times, but thats one of the best things that I got from her. My dad is my bestfriend, my confidant, my rock. My brothers.. well they're the same as the way brothers should really go.

I have lovely friends and an adorable bes.

I have a job that i 'relatively' like.

AND

I have a beautiful relationship with God.

so what more should I ask for?

So there.

(--;)

comfort

im a mess right now...

but you know what.. even if i dont get to see you as often as i want to.. or talk to you as much as i would want to... i am comforted by the thought that you're just here for me. that you're just an SMS away or you're just a phone call away...

thank you.

yes... YOU.

you know who you are... once again, my deepest and most sincerest THANKS.

Perishable Thoughts

it seems to me that my lot in life seems to be waiting for/on men.

what do i mean? well... let me start from the beginning...yesterday was a so-so day. it wasnt that good but it wasnt that bad either.

my mum called me up and told me that since it was my day off i should go to our house in Dasma and visit her. so thats what i did.

i got up at around 8am, finished my chores at home and went to Dasma. i arrived in Dasma sometime before lunchtime. i was surprised to see my Uncle August there. My mum failed to inform me that he arrived from the States last Sunday.. i was really shocked to see him so thin. My Uncle August was all skin and bones. but what threw me off my horse was my Uncle August's companion...

it was Ranier.

Ran and I are complicated.

Seven years ago, Ran and I met at a cousin's house. It was a party and as all parties go when youre in your teens.. everybody got smashed and wasted. but him and i, we didnt... when we first got introduced, we just started talking. and we talked the night away, we didnt notice that it was already 3am. we noticed the time when we realized that the party was already..."quiet"

after that beautiful interlude, we started spending the weekends together. we'd talk, watch movies, play billiards, eat, have coffee and hang out with my cousin Mary. every night we'd talk over the phone... he'd page me every hour on the hour.. he even slept over a couple of times.. and this went on for a year...

we were an item...

or so i thought...

hahahaha... i was such an oblivious little twit... a year and six months (?) after we first met... he got marries my cousin Mary... HAHAHAHA... he got her pregnant.

i didnt know whether to whack him... or myself.

after getting married, Ran and Mary went to the States and lived happily ever after.

we: meaning my mum, Ran, and Uncle August ate lunch and after it, Ran asked me to accompany him to SM Bacoor... he wanted to get a haircut, manicure and pedicure. i didnt want to but i was obliged to by my mum because she and my Uncle August wanted to do some shopping.

off we went...

my mum and Uncle A went shopping while I got stuck in David's salon for 2 hours doing nothing. it was a good thing i brought a thick book with me...

liniking this statement to the first one in my post...

lately, ive noticed that ll i do is either wait ON men.. or wait for them...

i wait on my dad and brothers. its either i run errands for them or cook them dinner or sometimes, i do their laundry.

i waited for Ran yesterday.

i always wait for my Bes... (he also waits for me..)

im still waiting for a certain someone to wake up and smell the coffee... for him to realize that im the ONE for him.

that i could make him happier than she can.

that i know the way to love him the way he wants to be loved...

that we are meant for each other... all he has to do is open his eyes.

*sigh*

oh yeah.. my mum is planning to sell our house in Dasma.. im like.. wtf for? but she wouldnt say...

oOo

im a little excited coz in a few days i'd be celebrating my 24th birthday!! BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY! im happy during my birthday coz its also my Dad's birthday! ^_^

ayun la lang.. mag birtday na ulit kami ni Daddy.. teehee.. am such a Daddy's Girl.. and am proud of it!

so there.. (--;)

G.A.P

i suddenly felt this gap between us. nakahanap ka nanaman ng bagong friend/s. pero pag nawala sila... dont worry andito pa din ako. am always here for you naman eh. :~(

Unbearable Lightness of Being

DISCLAIMER: this post is a little confusing.. if you wish to read it.. read at your own risk... also, whatever is posted here... its ephemeral..

TODAY on Jeanne's Mind:

uber Rant: one thing that i hate the MOST about Filipinos is their issue with punctuality. This evening i got another taste of the 'famous' (or infamous) Filipino time.

Juniper and most of the kit and kaboodle promised to be at the restaurant at 7pm. i was there 10 minutes before 7. Come 7pm i was still on the second floor balcony smoking... 7:10, 7:20, 7:30... at this point my inner facist wanted to surface... so i lit up a cig (again) to try and calm myself down.. i was starting to get irritated by this. I hate waiting. its ok with me if i wait BEFORE the appointed time... but 45 minutes after??? $*#)#%!!

so i called Juniper up and some of the peeps. they all apologized for keeping me waiting.. and they told me that they were already on their way. i told them i didnt want to wait anymore.. so i left. in the cab i called Juniper and told her that i was on my way to the office and that they just enjoy the night.

the reason why i was terribly irritated was because i am still nursing a headache courtesy of my migraine attack the other day.

so sue me.

oOo

i have always viewed my life as a Stage Play. When people watch plays, they get get to see the end product. They do not see that behind the curtain, people are frantically running around like chickens with their heads chopped off.

As much as possible this is what i try to portray. a normal sedate life thats running smoothly. Relatively few people know the real deal.

Put it in this way, i am like a duck... on the surface, it seems like im just swimming gracefully above water, but underneath you do not see my little webbed feet churning frenetically to keep me moving in the direction that i wish to.

so whats my point?

my point is that i am a person who moves in a lethargic manner. i try to take things slowly because i know that once ive set my mind, it would be hard to change it. picture immovable object meets unstoppable force... harharhar.. you wouldnt know who is going to win.

get it?

you dont think so? hehehe... as long as it makes sense to me.. i dont give a flying fluff what you think... *jenn reigns back her inner bitch*

oOo

i have always had this "sickness" that when i name something.. i get attached to it. i tend to hate "terms of endearment" coz of that.

i dont know if im scared of commitments or if i am just too lazy to take care of relationships.. coz those two take a lot from you. Its like taking care of a puppy.. its nice to have it at first but once the novelty wears off... it becomes an obligation/responsibility.

i dont try to view all my relationships like this because it takes the fun out if it... but there are times that i do (specially when im stretched to my limit) but the thing is... i hate it when i dont give a 100% of myself in a lot of things. so more often than not... im the one who is stressed out.

call me crazy.

its driving me a lil nucking futz... hehehe... maybe i really should get a shrink and help me figure things out. maybe i really AM bi-polar...

maybe im just losing whatever marbles i have..

this then brings to mind a book that i once read... Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera... there was this one passage there... i cant recall it verbatim but the essence is... "which would you choose: to be so grounded on earth with all its burdens with the ones you love or be so high above the skies with the angels and have an unbearable lightness of being?"

heavy right?

another passage that i liked there was the something that Sabina said... i think it goes something like: "I've met another man. He's the best man I've ever met. He's bright, handsome and he's crazy about me. And, he's married. There's only one thing; he doesn't like my hat. " too true, how come all the good men are taken? either that.. or they're gay... *sigh*

another quote would be from Tereza and this truly applies to MOST people today... she says, "I don't understand how someone can MAKE love without BEING in love."

oOo
so there.

gotta read my KC's now... prep time for work.

later!

(--;)

(X_X)

Monster's Game World: one of the coolest things I've seen over the internet. (--,) thats my avatar up there... i was so bored kasi so i decided to do something sa photoshop... nice naman ang kinalabasan... i also did a banner its at the end of this post... anyhoo...

yesterday was a really bad day. i had a really bad migraine. after the graduation, Jeni and the guys decided to go to Gerardo's, i didnt join them anymore coz i could sense that i was starting to have a migraine attack coz i was seeing light flash at the corners of my eyes and i was also feeling nauseous.

so i took a cab home... i couldnt walk in the infernal heat that we have in this country. even if it was just 10am, i couldnt stand the heat. i was a little panicked coz on the way home, traffic was a little heavy.. and my head was hurting so bad that i wanted to throw up. but i couldnt since i was still in the cab.. harhar..

once i got home, pagka open pa lang ng door, i just dropped my bags and went straight to the bathroom and upchucked. it kinda relieved my headache. sayang yung mcdo breakfast that i ate...(eeewww.. hahahahah, im gross noh?)

i got home at 11am got out of the bathroom around 1130(?) all i know is that i spent a LONG time in the bathroom upchucking.

so i drag myself to my bed and fell asleep. it was an effin miracle that i fell asleep coz my head felt like somebodywas hitting it with a sledgehammer or worse a jackhammer. this was worse than the hang over that i got doing the 21 shots thing at Bora.

so while the room was spinning around me, i tried to SMS some of my friends but.. hehe i fell asleep.

i woke up a few hours after and it was still there... ONLY WORSE! i started seeing stars.. they were spinning right before my eyes.. my head felt like it was being split open with a rusty cleaver... so i ran back to the bathroom and barfed my liver and parts of my esophagus out.

the stars disappeared after i barfed, but it came back... so after a few more rounds of barfing my internal organs out (i havent eaten anything since my mcdo breakfast.. so i couldnt upchuck anything anymore..) i started naming the stars that i saw... i was back up to Juniper when i decided that i need to get myself to a doctor.. so i called up Dr. Barbara Canonigo (our family physician) and told her that i needed to see her.

She was at UST so i literally drag myself up from the bathroom floor and take a shower and dizzily popped into a cab and went to UST. thank God for MGE.

Prognosis: my doctor siad that im too stressed out and this migraine is purely psychosomatic. She also said that i should rest for a week and get some sleep. I should unwind daw coz im like 5 steps away from a burnout our worse... a nervous breakdown. She also said that i should take it easy, and i do not need to save the world before bedtime... Hahahah.. hilarious.

so i went home (yep, still with my migraine) and fell asleep. i woke up a coupla times to barf though.

as im posting this.. i still have a headache... but compared to yesterday's knee-weakening-internal-organs-upchucking-hair-pulling-id-rather-have-my-tooth-pulled-out-without-novocaine pain... this is more manegeable.

i realized that i need a housemate. i felt so sad yesterday. i was sick and no one knew about it. i wanted to tell someone about it but he was too far away to do anything about it... (Robbie is still in Tarlac)... my family was in Dasma... all in all i didnt want to bother anybody... coz i knew i could get through it on my own.

actually i told one person about what was happening yesterday.. i told Dodie about it...

i hate being weak. i hate being cumbersome. i hate it.

im going to cook breakfast now.. saka lunch.. i have work tonight...

Ahetchu

i hate you.
lumalapit ka lang pag may kailangan ka.
i dont feel that youre sincere.
sincere ka ba?
pffftt...
i hate you!!

25 ways to know if you've grown up...

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualifyas "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those%&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead ofthe beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AMwould severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen andantacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty goodstuff"
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfasttime.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to"replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before goingto a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant youcongratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh** whatthehell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately forone sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find oneto save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to abunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it and do the same!

father's day

spent father's day with my dad.. hahahaha... we went out at watched a movie and played billiards...

gave him a shirt.. (which didnt fit.. hahahahaa) its a good thing i didnt buy him the sneakers that he wanted.. or else.. tsk tsk tsk

what else did i do? ahihihi... nothng really.. just enjoyed that day with my dad... i missed him so much... kakatawa talaga mga tao dito sa pilipinas.. ang dudumi ng mga isip.. heheheh... sabagay i dont look like my dad kasi..

its like this... when my dad and i go out.. we hold hands or we're hella sweet to each other.. napag kakamalang mag jowa tuloy kami.. hahahaha! whatever!

i love my dad..

so to all the dad's out there... (i know.. this post is a little late) but still.. its the thought that counts...

thank you so much for being great father's to your children and great providers for your families... you guys deserve more than a day..

to my bes.. youre such a great friend.. so i have no doubts that youre one helluva gureat father... love you Bes!

so there...

more to come... later!

bored as hell

its the second day of product training... am bored as hell. the things we are dicussing right now are the samethings that we have discussed during our product training in TS. the only thing that is keeping me going right now is the playime that we get during training.

*sigh*

im really frustrated right now. Robbie has gone to Tarlac. he and i had a falling out. or he got mad at me rather. i talked to my bes about it already... he made me feel a little better about it though.

*sigh*

im tired. i want to go to sleep. its kinda funny coz i wasnt able to go to class today coz i overslept. when i woke up at 7pm i called my bes kaagad. i wanted to cry. this is the first time in my entire life that i wasnt able to go to class because i overslept. :~(

my brain is not functioning properly... thats why this point is disjointed.

*zzzz*

so there.

(--;)

Falling out

its XBOX BABY!!!!!!

hay naku... am still in the office petix mode. me and 14 other colleagues got pulled out from our account because we were hired/transferred for WAVE 1 for XBOX CS. they pulled us out from our shift at around 12mn and then after an hour or so of waiting they just announced that we are in for XBOX. after that they allowed us to go home... im like... WTF.. how am i going to commute home??? its 1 in the freakin morning!! ohweelll...

XBOX !!!! YEAH BABY!!!!

i think God is really making a way for me to reach my original path. when i applied in RMH i was aiming for the XBOX account, but later on i found out that i was a week late in applying for the said account. they have already fillled in the slots for the class.

so the next best thing was i chose MSN TS L1. sadly according to the person who interviewed me, they needed people for CS... so i was hired for the MSN CS Wave 17. then after accent training, our beloved trainer (my ever loving and uber cute Bes) Dodie asked if there were 4 brave souls who wanted to volunteer to be transferred. i did volunteer because i wanted to go for an L1 position.

now after going through product training and 1 day of a-bay.. am now transferred to XBOX... wahahahaha.. hindi ko naman masyadong kinakarir ang pag te-training.. it seems to me that all i have been doing in my (almost) 2 month stay here in RMH is training. one good thing though is that my training for XBOX.. the salary that we will be getting is our basic, not training rates.

hmmm... am pretty bored right now. i miss my bes. he's sleeping right now. Bie is also sleeping. speaking of Bie..

when i got home from work this morning i was surprised to see that he cooked breakfast for me... i was so touched. this is one of the few times that i got to eat before i went to sleep. Bie was planning to cook dinner for me... (he is currently staying in my apartment) but the thing is i had a 3pm class and it ends at 6pm then i have to go straight back to work coz my shift starts at 9pm.

i had a bad day in class today coz i didnt absorb anything that the professor said. Atty. Salazar is going to whoop my ass when he finds out that i wasnt listening properly. Love pa naman ako nun ni Atty. Salazar. ahihihihihihihi...

i arrive at starbucks at 8pm and i waited for my bes, sadly he finished his tutoring session when my shift started. so we didnt have time to talk... wahahaha i wanted to spill the beans about my "meantime girl" post pa naman. i made an ass out of myself and im praying that i didnt do a permanent job... hehehehe... oh.. i also got a big hug from my Bes.. :*) awww... oh! oh! oh! my bes is my lucky charm nga pala.. ahihihihi.. his belief in me made me confident enough to take the leap... :*)

so now its almost 4am and my tummy is rumbling and i wanna go home and poop. hahahahaha... *sigh*

what is bes doing kaya? hmmm either he's taking care of the twins or he's still sleeping.
i texted Bie and he said he's just waiting for me to come home. Bie wanted to pick me up from work but i didnt want him to commute at this time. i wouldnt want anything bad to happen to my Bie :*)

*sigh*

so there.

(--;)

Meantime Girl

bobo mo jenn.

ginagawa ka lang nyang meantime girl. he was taking advantage of you. of what you feel for him. tangna ang bobo mo talaga.

bobo mo jenn.

ROBBIE's BACK!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! ROBBIE JUST CALLED. HE'S BACK!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

wow! grabe i cant breathe. im so excited. Robbie is my BESSY! OH MY GOD! He's back.

Maybe God is really cutting me some slack now. After all the heartache ive been going through this past few days, maybe He thinks ive gotten enough.

Anyhoo, earlier on in the day i was feeling pretty blue coz it seems that everbody (my parental units included) seems to be blaming me for my apartment being robbed. I'm like "Judas H. Priest..." I didnt put a sign on my door saying ROB THIS APARTMENT! but my friends all kept on saying.. "ikaw kasi eh..." or any variations on that line. WAS IT REALLY MY FAULT??!!! geez...

and then come 6pm an unlisted number calls up my mobile... when i answered it was... ROBBIE!!!! OH MY GOD!!! i screamed at him!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! its a good thing he's so used to my being that crazy that he just took it in stride. I kept on screaming and laughing and giggling for like 5 minutes or so... while Robbie just listened patiently.

then he goes "you done?"
the i go "not yet..."
then he's like "can i come by? I've got a lot of pasalubong for you..."
so i go "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" then i scream at him again... i feel giddy as a schoolgirl with her first love... Robbie is MY BESSY. i think he disconnected the call coz i was screaming too much.. ahihihihi i think i burst his eardrum. anyway he sent me an SMS that he'd be here around 7. YIPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEE!!!!! AHIHIHIHI!!! ROBBIE'S BACK!!!!! Robbie has been my life for the past 10 years?

Robbie is...My handsome bessy who loves me for me. who listens to me patiently while i talk about nonsensical things. who takes care of me when im sick (well... he does that when he's here in Manila) who hugs me for no apparent reason. who understands my eccentricities. who can pick up a converation just like that.. i mean i could ask him the weirdest of questions and he would answer seriously. who watches me while i sleep (and snore) ahihihihih. who basically just loves me because im me.

Robbie knows the real me. He knows EVERYTHING about me. He knows about things that not even Wie knows... He's more than a big brother to me. I'm super dooper happy... I Love you Bie!!! ahihihihi... im super super super happy!!

anyway, i gotta go now.. gotta clean up my apartment... ahihihih... ROBBIE's COMING!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!OH MY GOD!!!!

Later!

(--;)

Light and Easy

Im happy today.

Wanna know why? Coz i feel blessed, despite the bad run that i've been experiencing.

900pm: i met my Cutie Bes at Starbucks. I got a big hug :*)

i find it a little weird that just seeing him made me feel a whole lot better. i've rarely felt that way before with any of my friends. maybe its because my Bes is a very comforting person. im feeling relatively new into this bestfriend situation with him... because ive had my fair share of best friends before and the thing is... i've always been the wall on which they lean on. i know its supposed to go both ways, but ive been so independent for so long that i (think) forgot how to be that.

its kinda cool you know... and it makes me feel funny... not in a bad way... but its cool to know that somebody cares for you (sincerely) outside your immediate family.

My Bes also told me that i act differently when we're 'alone' together as compared to when we're hanging out with some of our colleagues. i dont get that... IMHO: iba kasi pag dalawa lang kayo, iba rin kasi when youre with a bunch of friends. im a little shy of showing affection when Bes and I are with the Zen people coz i dont want them to 'talk' about us. Coz one time i've been malambing to him and vice versa in front of the CS people, we got talked about. maybe thats the reason why i act like that... maybe its a defense mechanism... i dont know... i need to talk to my Bes about it. i need to confirm the attitude that i have when those situations occur so i might correct it. i feel kinda sad coz i dont know if i have offended him or not. im deathly afraid of hurting my Bes because he's been hurt a lot and i wouldnt want to add to that... maybe i should start acting/talking on the safe side... *sigh*

i have a perma-smile going on right now... :*) thanks to my Bes.

nangangapa pa ako with how my relationship with my bes is going coz like ive said earlier, this is kinda the first time that ive encountered something like this.

its also cool that i feel relieved whenever i see my bes. i need not say a word anymore, i dont feel the need to vent out. just seeing him is enough... weird(!) im not saying that its a bad thing... im just not used to it. im trying to adjust to this two way thing... all in due time. i just hope that my my Bes wouldnt give up on me. :*)

YIHHHAAAAAAA!!!! I got my first irate caller... MUWAHAHAHAAH off all the people in our class I HAD to get an irate caller! I was the ONLY person in class to get an IRATE caller. its my day!!! MUWAHAHAHAH!! see.. imagine the effect my Bes has on me.. ahihihihi.. even if i got an irate caller with multiple issues... i got through it unscathed!!! even it it was an escalation... i managed to get through it without breaking a sweat! MUWAHHAHAHA!!! i KICKed ASS!!!

so what else? whew... guess thats it for the moment.

Thanks Bes :*)

(--;)

Goodbye

it has always been hard for me to say goodbye. either for friends, relatives, family, relationships and material things.

today couldnt get any worse than this. if it does... then id be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

today, my apartment got robbed.

here are the things that i lost:

my PS2
my ipod
a Cartier eternity ring given to me by Jeff's mum
my engagement ring (from Jeff, dont ask)
Celtic Promise rings (mine and Jeff's)
silver puzzle rings
2 silver earcuffs
several jade bracelets
my old 9100
an amethyst butterfly brooch (anniv gift from Jeff)
food stuff from my fridge
My Tito Marky's tablet PC
my Php 10K emergency money (stashed in the freezer) its a wonder they even got that...

ive been living in my apartment for 5 years and this is the first time that i got robbed. they messed up my entire apartment. when i got home all my clothes were strewn across my room.

i havent slept yet coz i spent my day replacing all my clothes back in their respective drawers. i fixed my sala (coz they overturned the couches) and spent half the day at the police station filing a report for the robbery.

im saddened that this happened to me. on the same day that im supposed to take my first live call. but i know i cannot let this affect my job.

im also at a loss on how i would tell this to my mum. it would give her added leverage to push me to go to the US. maybe this is a sign that i really should go there.

whats weird is that i didnt cry when i was fixing my stuff. but awhile ago while at starbucks when i saw Pao and Bryan and Krystal, i couldnt help it. tears started forming at the corners of my eyes. i was so embarrased.

i didnt want to get up from bed kanina but i had to go to work.

kill me now.

i beg of you.

oOo

i have also hit an all time low when a friend told me that im worse than a doormat, im a sponge...

i keep on absorbing and i dont do anything about it. i just let it leak out.

she said that i was being used as an ego booster/morale booster and i dont get anything in return for it.

you know what. i dont care. im tired. a lot of people are saying a lot of things about me. maybe some of them are true.

if he IS using me as an ego booster... whatever..

oOo

:kampay: for 2 of our fallen comrades, Reverend JM and Father John. hope to see you guys soon. The Fellowship misses you two. :o(

(--;)

I close my eyes and breathe deeply
The scent of the coming rain is infused with memories of you and me
Evoking thoughts and feelings that are buried deep within

My body awakens
My senses heighten
All these because of you

Memories...

bodies entwined..
breaths mingling,
sliding,
gripping,
moving in rhythm..

I shake my head and open my eyes
The scent of rain, stronger.
A deep sadness envelops me
A hollow feelings settles in my stomach.

Never again will I hold you in my arms.
Never again will we become one.

My throat tightens
Eyes turn misty..
Once more i breathe in the sultry air
Lettting our memories wash over me.

I stay as the rain starts to fall
to let the chill replace the hollowness that i feel..
to cover the tears that fall from my eyes.

Slowly the sky starts to lighten,
as dusk settles in
the rain stops.

I slowly walk back
each step bringing me closer
..to letting go..

oOo

whew.. that poem is a heavy breather.. *snicker*

iba talaga pag inspired *teehee*

im happy and im sad at the same time.

happy because i just am. sad because once again... im confused.

before that, here's a brief rundown of my day...

930am: i arrived home, took a bath and slept

1100am: my mum arrives with the carpenters. the carpenters were there to estimate the cost of the renovation of my apartment, coz im having the electrical system rewired and have my entire apartment re-painted to black and purple.. my walls are sky blue right now and im getting sick of it.

my mum also took my passport today. she told me that she is going to the US Embassy tomorrow to verify if my Visa was still valid. even if i havent visited there in three years. i currently have a 10 year multiple entry Visa. im praying that they would say that it was invalid coz i dont want to leave. i have this strange feeling in my stomach (no, i dont need antacids) that when i get there my mum is going to force me to find a job there.

one of the reasons why i dont want to stay there is because my grandmum lives in Geriatric County... Huntington Beach is VERY beautiful, but the thing is, one time... 2001 i think, i vacationed there for 3 months, i got homesick so bad. the people there were strange. though the food wasnt bad... *snicker* also the community that my grandmum lives in is like the one in Florida. puro matatanda ang andun..

at 12nn i awoke to the sounds of somebody hammering. i open my eyes to see one of the carpenters removing the a/c unit that i wasnt using anymore. so now there's this gaping hole on the wall... *argghh*

300pm my soro sis' and Theta brothers drop by and visit.. they kept on harping on how cool their classes were gonna be coz the third year profs were the ones that we were aiming for the past two years. being the dork that iam nainggit ako so what i did was i took a bath and went to school to enroll.. i took 9 units. one is crim law and the other subject is tax1.. *waaaahh* tax 1.. bubu pa naman ako dun.

700pm: i arrived at starbucks to have my muni-muni moments. but i couldnt coz my muse was tapping me on the shoulder again. so there... i had that output. what little time i had left to ponder about the things that were going in my life this is what i came up with:

my bes told me that i should make my decision based on what is going to make me happy, not on how happy iam going to make others be. but this is weird, i am happy when others are happy. so what do i do now?

also, im having a sense of abandonment. i dont know why though... *kainis* im trying to figure out why am feeling this way... *argh*


*sigh*

am lost again... HAHAHAHAH... i really need a roadmap to my life. im such a dork.

(--;)

Be.Mused.

DISCLAIMER: this is an extremely long post. so if you dont have the time to read this... read it at a time most convenient for you.

Still here?

Thanks...

TODAY on Jeanne's cluttered mind:

Today, i am inspired. Dunno why though... it seems to me that my muse (my minor one) has returned to me. *BIG SMILE* (AND NO... i didnt get laid.. HAHAHA)
before i post my latest creations i just want to give you guys a rundown of what has happened to me today...

6:50am early class dismissal

7:00am starbucks (as always) to have my morning coffee and have breakfast at the same time. hung out with friends. talked about what happened during class.. the misatakes that Lestat committed.. *snicker* yeah.. im being mean again, i know.

7:50am bes arrives.. *snicker* wearing a yeller long sleeved polo. gave him the games that i burned. i think it was Final Fantasy 7&8, Warcraft & Baldur's Gate 2. Told him he should sleep though.. or else im taking the games back. (makes me have second thoughts about lending him my baby) *snicker*

8:30am left starbucks... went straight home. even if JM was asking me to join the fellowship... i had to say no... i needed to sleep. coz i had to run some errands before i go back to work this evening.

9:15am arrived home. went straight to the shower and took a bath. yep i brought my bag in the bathroom. that was how dirty i felt. i didnt want to waste time in dropping them off on the couch. i just took off my sneakers and had a shower.

9:30am texted bes that amma sleep already. more or less it was about this time that i passed out.

11:00am my friend Jappet arrives. i told him that i wouldnt be able to entertain him coz i wanted to sleep. so he played with my PS2. in return he should cook me dinner. hehehehe its a symbiotic relationship. this is what my friends usually do for me. i let them hang around the apartment but they have to do the cooking. they usually are the ones that feed me. HEHEHE. coz if they didnt.. it would turn out that i only eat once a day. i can run on caffeine and nicotine for a week.

3:00pm i open my eyes to the sound of Jappet's snore's echoing near my ear. i ignore him and went back to sleep.

7:00pm i open my eyes to see Jappet staring at me. im like... "dude, what time is it?" he's like.. "its seven." so i get up from bed and take my evening coffee which he made for me and ate dinner/breakfast consisting of *drumroll please* instant pancit canton ala Jappet and tuna sandwiches. *snicker* and my TUB of coffee of course..

8:00pm finished my pre-office rituals. told Jappet to clean and turn off all the lights in the apartment before he leaves. then i left for work.

9:00pm light traffic. arrived in starbucks for my pre-class caffeine (Mocha Valencia) and nicotine fix. then my muse tapped me on the shoulder, so i took my pen and notebook from my bag and started writing.

its 11:00pm and John and JM still arent here. effin shiite. am hoping that they have a VALID excuse why they were absent. else theyre going to be fired.so there... :lol: a "brief" rundown of my day.

oOo

this entry is a letter i was supposed to give to my... friend. i kinda posted an excerpt of it in yesterday's post. here is the whole letter...

*****,

takot na takot ako ngayon. hindi ko alam kung ano na ang nangyayari. nakakahiya man sabihin, pero nawawalan na ako ng loob. para naman kasing hindi para sa akin itong laban na to. hindi ako manalo nalo. nakakapagod nang lumaban. nauubos na ang bala ko.

alam ko andyan ka kahit anong mangyari, pero tingin ko burden na ako. lagi na lang akong me dalang problema sayo. hindi ko naman gusto yon pero ganon and nangyayari.

nasabi ko sayo noon, suko na ako. alis na ako. di ka agad naka sagot, tapos sabi mo sa isang mahinang boses..."ayaw mo na?" hindi sa ayaw ko... masakit nga eh...pero di naman siguro all the time sasaluhin mo ako.

sasabihin ko din sana na wag ka na sa tabi ko. ayokong perwishyuhin ka, pero mas takot ako na mawala ka. ikaw yung pinanggagalingan ko ng lakas... ikaw yung pader sa likod ko. jan ka lang. wag mo sana akong iwan. baka bigla na akong tuluyang magiba.

oOo

The Angel and The Vampire

Bathed in dawn's early light
A lone luminescent being
descend from the Heavens
Searching for a soul to save

Time,
like the Angel
flies across boundaries...

Bathed in shades of twilight
An entity
lurks in the murky depths of the shadows
Hoping to find a savior
From its self exile

Meeting halfway
Ivory hands clasp ebony colored ones
Holding on tight
Not letting go

Unfurl your wings
Envelop me in your light
You are too bright
for my darkened eyes to endure

The Abyss holds on tighter
Not wanting to let go
Of the creature of the night
it has given birth to

I am the Vampire
You are the Angel
Two different creatures
Yet are kindred spirits

Looking for someone to hold on to,
for someone to save,
and be saved.

oOo

I just want to say hello to my number one fan... HI BES!!! ahihihihi... i know youre reading this! Have a great day at work today! Dont forget to eat lunch and take your vitamins aryt?! Love you po! (--;)

For You...

ni shwo ni shr wo te how pung yo.
ni shwo ni ming pai wo.
ni shwo ni ke i tu wo tsai shiang xe muh.
wei xe muh ni pu ng tsai shiang taw wo ai ni?



just in case you werent able to read what i wrote.. i took a close up picture of it... *sigh*

wo hun ai ni.. ni pu shiang tsai na... *sigh* ni shr wo te hun hao te pung yo na...

for those who want the translation... ask me in person. *sigh*

(--;)

Anesthesia

RANT: Hay naku.. Dallas won. wala na super sweep na sila ng Miami... *leche*
oOo

I had so much fun last night. I met up with my dearest friend Viki and had a round of drinks at Gerardo's. oh... my bes was there too.. :o) Love you bessy!

I met up with Viki last night because i wanted to talk to him about my problem... Viki being gay has a lot of experience with wanting something that one cannot have... which made him the perfect person to talk to about my problem with...*bleep*

Anyhoo, when Bes left, that was when the fun started...

Here are snippets of the conversation that VIki and I had...

oOo

Viki: *lights a cig and inhales deeply* so ano nanaman bang problem mo bakla?

Jenn: *takes a swig from my beer bottle & sighs* I've fallen in love with him.

Viki: *smiles mischieviously* I foresaw that. My Priestess of Priapus, I am THE Oracle of Priapus.

Jenn: *shakes my head* HAHAHAHA... dont go all mystic on me bakla. Punyeta de Amor noh.. It seems that everybody else knew before I did.

Viki: *laughs out loud* eh kung hindi ka naman isa't kalahating tanga eh... Obvious kaya na inlove ka sa kanya.

Jenn: HA? Panong obvious? *lights a cig and takes a long drag*

Viki: *rolls his eyes* You really know what gave you away?

Jenn: yeah.. *exhales*

Viki: the way you looked at him. the way you took more care of him compared to your other friends. the way you smiled whenever he was/is around. you actually glow when he's around.

Jenn: *takes a puff* no shit?

Viki: no shit.

oOo

Jenn: Viki, you know im sad coz it seems to me that my caste in this lifetime is being 'one of the boys' kaya ang role ko 'always the friend, never the girlfriend...' *sigh*

Viki: My dear Priestess... (it is at this point that we were already suffering from a mild buzz brought by beer that we had consumed earlier) The Oracle has a few things to say to you...

Jenn: *takes a drag from my cig* Tell away *exhales*

Viki: One: DONT OWN HIM. He belongs to Tin. Just enjoy the time that you spend with him. Dont Demand. Dont expect anything in return. Coz once that you do, not only do you lose a bestfriend, you also lose a great friendship. If he is the reason why you still get up in the morning, then keep him as the reason, make him an inspiration, not a distraction.

Two: for your 'always the friend, never the girlfriend' rant, just be patient. Your time will come. Arent you afraid to be stuck in loveless relationships where people just hold on for the sake of the length of time that they spent with each other? I for sure dont want to...

Three: Look to bright side Jenn. You're a strong woman. You're intelligent. You're witty. You're pretty. You're committed. You're loyal. Just bear in mind that marami lang talagang bobong lalaki sa mundo that can't get past the part that you're HEALHIER than most. *snickers* If i were a straight man, I'd definitely marry you.

Jenn: Punyeta... *whacks Viki on the arm* I have more testosterone than you do no! Leche! *laughs*

Viki: Seriously though, just be patient my dear. I know its hard to do...

Jenn: *sighs* I know... Bahala na si Batman saka yung mga Diyos ng Intsik... HEHEHEHE...

oOo

Viki: Jenn you remember the script that you wrote for me before?

Jenn: which play?

Viki: Yung pitch natin for Camp Suki...

Jenn: aahhh yung may line na.. " OO nga pala, alam mo mahal na mahal kita. Alam ko mahirap intindihin kung saan ako nanggagaling, kung bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon, bakit ganito ang takbo ng isip ko, pero pilit mo pa rin akong iniintindi. Salamat dahil alam kong mahirap gawin yun. Naniniwala ako sayo. Sa Akin. Sa Atin."

Viki: Oo.. yan.. I love that part... ang sarap sabihin sa mga nanakit satin no? Pag successful na tayo, tapos sila basura ang ending nila.. makikita nila tayo one day.. tapos sasabihin na lang natin.. "Yan kasi, di ka naniwala sa akin eh.." HAHAHAHHAHAHA...

Jenn: ay bakla alam ko ulam mo kanina... hehehe ampalaya.. bitter ang drama mo! *snickers*

oOo

I suddenly realized... YOU.. yes YOU are my anesthesia. You dull the pain that is my life. Thank you... You know who you are.. `nuf sed.

Patience is a virtue.

So there...

(--;)

The Road Less Traveled

Lost in a sea of faces.

Alone in a crowded room.

Forever in misery.

Hearts on sleeves.

Fall like rain on the pavement.

Dull.

Like the color of cheap crayons on paper.

Reached out.

Failed (?)

Sincere?

I hope.

oOo

Ever felt that way? Youre in the midst of a crowd and yet it seems that you are alone?

This morning I KNEW how it felt.

You smile. You laugh. But it isnt REAL.

Everything is FAKE.

A LIE.
A JOKE.
A FACADE.
AN IMPOSTOR.

I'm tired of this shit.
Once again I fall.
Numb to the pain.
Or so I thought.

oOo

I'm at a crossroads right now.

Should I take the road less traveled? Go to the States and try my luck there?

Or should I stay here and be with people that I love, places that I am familiar with, a culture that I am comfortable with.

Last night at Starbucks, I was thinking about how to solve this problem. I was weighing the pros and cons of this opportunity.

I came up with two reasons why I shouldnt leave.

1. My dad

This is the man I love the most. He is my bestfriend. My protector. My towerblock. The shoulder I cry on. The hug that is given at the time that I need it the most. The voice inside my head telling me to keep on living, loving, caring, breathing. The person that wipes away my tears and tells me that I am one of the most beautiful things on this world.

Yes, even if we rarely see each other, I know that it just takes one SMS or phone call for him to get to me, that he is never too far away.

2. a friend.

I take my promises seriously. I promised that I wouldnt leave. Old & wrinkled... `nuf said.

Here are the reasons why I SHOULD leave:

1. I started out with nothing... and i still have most of it left.
2. Maybe everything will be bettter. A change in scenery might help.
3. I get to travel and learn a new culture.
4. I get to start over, maybe get to meet people who take you as you are.
5. I don't know if there is still something worth holding on to here.
6. The economy there is a little better.
7. Maybe I'd be offered the chance again by my granmum to study at NYU.
8. Clothes shopping there wouldn't be hard.
9. Maybe I'd find my 'grand passion' there.
10. Maybe he'd miss me when I leave. Maybe.

oOo

HOPE is such a cruel bitch.

She leads you on.
She makes you high.

Then drops you.

I am scared to hope.
The ember of hope in my heart is now smothered by a thick blanket of fear and hesitation.

I am scared for him.
Maybe things will be better.
I pray for it everyday.

He seems as fragile as crystal vase.
When Hope drops you.
Do not worry.
At the point that you shatter,
I'd be right here.
Picking up pieces of your broken self.
I wouldn't mind bleeding for you.
I'd do anything to make you whole again.

*sigh*

Pakiramdam ko talaga hindi para sa akin tong laban na to. Nauubos na ang bala ko. Nawawalan na ako ng lakas ng loob.

(--;)