Wednesday, May 31, 2006

fynk

today has been a really bad day.

havent slept worth mentioning and life seems to be really suckier.

maybe im stuck in a rut... thats why i cant seem to get myself out of this funk that im in right now.

i miss my bes.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Slippery when wet... The keyboard i mean...

Broken and battered.
Lost souls scattered.
Angels with broken wings.
Lie half dead.

Immortal entities sing.
Of eternal damnation.
Of lost creation.

Love, lust.
Life is unjust.

Souls turn to Rubies.
Singing, sighing, crying, dying.
Screaming.

Let me GO.
Let me GO.
Sighing, crying, dying.

Voices thrown, dying in the wind.
Hoping to be met halfway.
THere is no way.

Burning.
YEarning.
Hoping.
ENding.

Gone.

Tears burning.
Falling tears of Ice.
Winter's sigh as white as light.
Snow that burns the eyes.
Searing the mind.

Forever lost.
Forever GOne.
Bound in eternity.
Lost in Time.

oOo
hey ally...

thanks for listening.

i know youre reading this right now... yeah, crying does help. thanks for making me understand.

the thing is you were the one who told me in the first place that i should give till it hurts and when it hurts give some more till it hurts no more.

honey, i cant do that anymore. i'm all cried out. i'm all tired out.

its useless hoping for the attention of someone that can never really be yours in the first place. i know its my fault for crossing that thin line between friendship and love.

he never asked me to fall for him. he didnt even want to be my friend in the first place.

you remember the day after the accident? yeah, right after thati vowed that i would never ever plan for the future. never expect anything coz you always end up disappointed, wanting more.

its been three years and ive been living an existentialistic way of life.

take each day one at a time.
ahahaha... fly by the seat of my pants kinda gurl.

i dont know if there is some cosmic being out there that is making me the big BUTT of his jokes...

but why does it seem that everytime i fall... its only me that picks myself up and dusts myself off?

ally, im confused. my mom says that im TOO nice? am i? how come whenever she says that... she makes it sound like im diseased...

yeah maybe am too nice. but i changed just for him. you saw how bad a bitch i could be right? i reigned it in... yet he didnt even appreciate it.

i give up on loving him.
i give up on our friendship.

wait.. let me rephrase that...HA! can you call this a friendship? all i do is give. all he does is take. he took everything. my heart. my pride.

oh.. no.. i cant blame him for this... its all ME. i CHOSE to let it happen. it was my CHOICE. mine and mine alone. Mea Culpa.

i sang this song for him once...

"when you cried id wipe away all of your tears. when you scream id fight away all of your fears. i held your hand through all of these years..."

maybe amy lee was right... "IVE BEEN ALONE ALL ALONG"

hahaha.. ally, tita jenn is weird noh? my keyboard is wet na... hahahaha...

i make a promise... from this day forward, anyone outside my immediate family doesnt count anymore.

AYOKO NA...

damay damay na to.

i love you ally. thanks for listening to tita jenn. dinner tayo sa saturday ha. then lets go drinking.

thanks for caring po.


Monday, May 29, 2006

MY PROUDofs 2

still messy bessy... heeheehee.. Love you...


my kickass teevee... a lil dusty already... gotta luurrvveee my teeveee....

^^^ arent they cute??? theyre my bed mates... thats a part of my bed... its a good thing that i just changed my sheets... cute dba? blue and yellow... sarap matulog...
and yep... since everything about me is messed up or messy in a way.. even the contents of my fridge are messy... ahihihihihi.. its a good thang my dad bought me stuff to put in my fridge... kundi kakahiya... hwehwehwehwe!!


ahhhh.. the apple of my eye... my BELOVED... my heart... my soul... my LOVE... ahihihihi.. my Baby. pa-kiss nga... *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah*

MY PROUDofs...


library ko sa bahay.. ahihihihi... everything in my apartment is very messy... obvious dba... those are my pocketbooks... kulang pa yan... i have three shelves of books. excluding my school books.. ahihihihi... addik ako noh?

psssttt... Achi Marie.. see those empty spaces to the left? YEAH baby.. you need to return my books na! nag anniversary na sila sau! ahihihihi...





my pc area... still messy... ahihihihi.... i love my pc... i spend a fourth of my waking time in front of it.. either composing poems, or surfing the net.. or posting in my blog or just plain playing games on it.. :o) kita nyo yung boxing gloves sa taas nun monitor ko? ahihihih that belongs to my lil bro... he put it there para ma miss ko daw sya.. awww.. sweet no?



my picture area... thats my mum's grad pic nung HS n college... and my brothers and syempre pictures of MOI... if you can see.. there's one picture of me and Winnie Monsod... i had that picture taken when i was doing my undergrad Thesis... hehehehe...


my DVD player and my collection of DVD's... as usual.. pretty messy. am a messy kinda girl... HAHAHHA...

Yo! Yo! Yo! Jay Jay Saturn is in the house! hahahaha... DUDE! i need my DVD's back... takte kayo! hiram kau ng hiram and you dont return my stuff.. not unless i pester you... :lol: hwahwahwa! give it back aryt! else amma kick yer ass...


this is my bessy... cute nya noh? yun lang.. messy din kasi sya.. kaya ni-post ko... ahihihi... joksh bes.. Love you!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

a Letter to my Bes


Dear Bes,

I don’t know when you might be reading this blog… so there.

I don’t know how to act around you lately. I don’t know what to expect.

Half of the time I’m worried/concerned. A fourth of the time I’m exasperated. Another fourth of the time I’m resigned.

I don’t know kung sumosobra na ako. Or feeling ko kulang pa ba ginagawa ko as a bes?

On the emotion meter lately, I’m hovering between exasperated and resigned.

I feel pretty ineffective as a bes.

I don’t know maybe its because… yeah… I’m just getting to know you. Maybe because I care too much? Maybe because I really DON’T understand what you’re going through?

Too many maybes.

I’m on a messed up rollercoaster right now. One day am too high. One day am too low. Most of the time I’m just going through those nauseating corkscrews and going round in circles.

Its like this, I LOVE (for lack of a more appropriate term) helping you out, listening to you rant and yeah I love you in general.. coz you’re my bes.

At times you’re not helping me though. I’m pretty messed up too you know… so how do I say this? Tagalugin ko na…

Its like I’m in a no win situation. Pag sinabi ko na nahihirapan na rin ako sa kaka-worry sayo, baka hindi ka na magsabi ng problems mo sakin. Pero pag hindi ko naman sinabi, im stressed out further coz I worry about you nga.

I don’t know.. im confused din eh… ahahahaha labo ko dba? Maybe this is just separation anxiety? Heheheheh…. Don’t ask why… hehehehehehe…

ALSO, you are not honoring your “promise” to me… (or maybe im just taking this a tad to literally) you said that you wanna keep me till we’re old and wrinkled… at the rate that you are going, I doubt that you’d reach the old and wrinkled part. I’m kinda afraid that one of these days you’re just gonna keel over and die out of sheer exhaustion. (drama!)

I’ve told you this over and over again, I am not your mum, nor do I ever wish that I was your mum.

Call it what you must but I believe(?) that as your “BES” it is my duty/obligation/responsibility to take care of you. And remind you stuff and whatever.

I love MY family to death and I would die for them if it comes to that point. I consider you as part of my family too (just in case you didn’t know)

If someone told me a month ago that we would be friends… I wouldnt believe that person. Why? Coz im VERY picky when it comes to having friends, pero when it came to us… it just happened. Like water flows over everything… our friendship just happened.

Please help me understand. Coz I’m pretty frustrated right now. And im actually amazed that you are the present RANT in my blog.

Im frustrated by the way I feel as if im ineffective as a friend. I feel frustrated coz I don’t know what else I should do to let you realize that you SHOULD take care of yourself. I feel frustrated coz I don’t know if the things I SMS you hurt you or offend you or whatever. Im also frustrated coz I feel stupid. Coz I have a lot of things to say to you but when youre there… I cant seem to find those words.

Parang ganito yung scenario… take note.. PARANG. Kung boyfriend kita tapos bihira tayo magkita… gusto ko pag nagkikita tayo masaya lang parati… (Did that make sense? Coz it did in my convoluted mind. hahahaha)

*deep sigh*

So what else is there to say? See!!! Nawala na sila sa isip ko kasi at this moment naiisip ko na baka nagtatampo ka na or what… ayaw ko ng ganun.

*deeper sigh*

Im mortified (yep mortified…) that im ranting about you… hehehehe.. coz youre one of those few people who read my blog… but im taking the advantage of being tipsy to tell you whatever is going through my alcohol pickled brain.

Make me understand bes… (or if that’s too much of a hassle.. its aryt… wag na lang… nakapag vent naman na ako.)

I actually don’t know if I’m still making sense… all I know is that I just NEED to get this rant out for me to be able to go to sleep in relative peace.

I think… I think too much…

You think?

Right…

Whatever.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Fellowship of the Drinks: A Gerardo's Epiphany

why do we have to part while the love is still there? why do we have to cry when someone bids goodbye? why do beginnings have an end?
there are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed and promises left unfulfilled.
in a relationship one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. it is as hard as breaking a crystal rose, becuase you never know when you will be able to pick up the broken pieces again.
at the beginning and at the end of the relationship, we are embarassed to find ourselves alone. unfair as it may seem, but thats the way love goes. everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how and without us knowing why. we must forget, not becuase we want to but because we have to.
it seems that everywhere you go, everything that you do, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eyes and every breath you take always remind you of him. just imagine, there are four billion people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other. i dont know if its worth calling an art, but letting go entails a special skill with a considrable space and time. time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part.
not all love stories end with "and they lived happily ever after" sometimes we have to part becuase of circumstances beyond our control. we have to suffer, if it would mean happiness to others. we have to cry temporarily to let go of pains, every beginning has its end, like every dawn has its dusk, its over, he's gone. but life has to go one. goodbye doesnt mean forever. there will always be a place in time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled.
somewhere,
somehow,
someday.


oOo
*sigh* im sorry for the repost, oh ye few, ye merry few that bother to read my blog.

everytime i read those passages, iam comforted. closure is part of our lives and since man is naturally an inquisitive being, closure is inevitable.

i have come to the conclusion that i have to accept that he will never be mine. as friends maybe, but as a significant other, it would be improbable. the more i fight and rage against this emotion that i have for him, the more it hurts. therefore, i must accept it as it is and like what they say.. take it a day at a time. because id rather stay and suffer rather than lose the friendship.

gaya ng ng sabi ng friend kong si Vera, "Bakla, pwede ka nang magpa-baril sa Luneta... O.A ka sa pagka-martyr eh..." hahahaha... imagine me standing in the middle of Luneta provoking the honor guards to shoot me where i stand.

if one could browse through my life, it can be said that it hasnt been smooth sailing all the way. life is indeed unfair, yet it is beautiful in its entirety.

the most vulnerable point of a person is at the point where one is in between sleep and waking up, whenever i have problems, they would rush in at that time and make me feel that i shouldnt get up from bed anymore and just stay there until Christ's second coming.

i have found the solution to fight this pain. just let it flow through you. like wet paint that washes out when it rains. they are like tears, they cleanse you of the anguish that you have inside. never fight it coz the more that you fight it the longer it stays in your system. the more painful and heavier it becomes to bear.

i am a samurai and God is my creator. every blow of the hammer makes me stronger, sharper, more beautful and lethal. He is a master craftsman and would never ever break a masterpiece. so i trust and Love Him... unconditionally.

i have more than my fair share of hitting rock bottom, yet God balances it out by blessing me with wonderful friends.

i have never regretted anything in my life... coz all the decisions that i have made, led me to the path wher i am now. it made me become the person that i am today. call me boastful or arrogant but i love myself. i love the person that iam right now, and i am excited to see who i will become as more and more trials come my way.

disjointed yung thoughts no? sorry... a lot of ideas are running through my mind and my fingers are barely keeping up. so i jsut type whatever comes to mind.

oh well...

today is a good day.

today i am happy.

so there...

(--;)


ps. sorry for the grammatical errors... antok na ako eh


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

bothered

help me?

engaged in a conversation,

earnest?

cant.

some other time.

when?

one day.

soon.

im resigned.

tired.

ball is in your court.

friend.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Confusion

anger.

jealousy.

jealously.

very jealously.

closely guarded secrets,
like broken shells on the shore,
strewn everywhere.
broken.

jealousy.

am i not enough?
who do you think you are?
who do you FUCKING think you are?

i am nothing.
i am nobody.

you said that I was your towerblock.
it seems that I’m not.

jealousy.

jealously.

very jealously.

i am not special.
what do i want?
YOU?!

like some math equation.
it cannot be.

fatigued
breaking point.

who am i?
i cant take this anymore.

tired.

so tired.

you don’t deserve me.
maybe that’s the reason why she said goodbye…
its not me
its you

tired.

so tired.

of sharing
of caring
of LOVING…

FUCK YOU!

i will not be defeated by you.
i wont go under.

truth

lies

truth
only truth
so you say…

why not do anything about it?

too soft…
too kind…
too stubborn…

drowning.

i am drowning.

too heavy.
too tired.
too much.

this is too much.
you are too much.

too much ranting.

you’re taking too much of my time.
you don’t even have a clue…

this is stupid.
i AM stupid.

always.

but I love you.

I love you for the man that you are.
and those beautiful BROWN eyes.

you have such beautiful brown eyes.

so much like mine.
so much like me.

i’ve fallen all over again.

oOo


i think im losing whatever marbles i have left.
one moment im happy the next thing that you know.. am extremely morose.
Jeez...

i dont think i can take anymore of this drama.

i am NOT a teenage drama queen.

chalk it up to hormones? eeww..

i dont do PMS... i have too much testosterone for that... HAHAHAHAHA.

oh yeah... im like this when im in LOVE...

*insert gasp of realization here*

wahahahahaha... napaka pathetic ampucha. BOBO pa. inlove sa taong hindi naman sya mahal. tanga sobra men!!

pero ang problema jan... eh bakit ko ina-allow?

bakit kamo?

err...

ewan ko ren.. eng eng din kasi ako eh.. to the nth power.

eto na lang... sana mahalin ka nya the way you deserve to be loved. kasi ako mahal kita eh and i have an idea on how you WANT to be loved. pero... nauna sya sa puso mo eh...

HUWAHAHAHAHA ... am such a cheese ball... JOLOGS!!! *amf*

yoko na...

pero bakit nga ba gustong gusto kong mag wallow sa problemang dinudulot mo sa buhay ko?

kasi... am madly inlove with you.. TANGA.

basta.. swear to God...

im getting rid of you...

one day...

tomorrow...

soon...

i love this self pity/self blaming jag...

HAHAHAHAHA.. maiba naman.. lagi na akong masaya eh.

eto pa pala...

post ako ng post dito... hoping that one day mabasa mo to...

eto problema jan... unang una hindi mo nman alam ang blog ko...

pangalawa... tamad ka kasi mag basa...

HAHAHAHAHAHA...

cietz... tama lang to ng walang tulog.

Jologs ko talaga.

ps.
oipst bes, if you get to read this... talk to me... i need your advice... hwehwehwehwehwe!!!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Mea Culpa


SHOUTOUT: I would like to greet Gel, Dodie, Roy and Jaja a HAPPY MONTHSARY! Gosh… its been a month already? *teehee* Time does fly when you’re having fun. I am blessed to have you guys in my life.

DISCLAIMER: my muse eludes me, so the disorganized product that you MIGHT be reading here shouldn’t be subject to criticism.

Im still on the tangent of quitting someone… DUH im such a hypocrite. I absolutely detest quitters yet here I am trying to convince myself that I need to quit someone… double duh.

So how do you go on quitting somebody?

Do you suddenly disappear?
Do you say goodbye?
Do you send a thank you card? A gift basket?

Who do you blame?
Yourself?
The other person?

Yourself mostly… I guess…

I mean, I could’ve prevented this whole fiasco in the first place…

But did i?

NO!

I could’ve chose not to _______________.

But I did.

How stupid is that?

So again…

Who do you blame?

Keeping promises.

I said I would stay.

And that’s what I should do.

They need me.

Always?

Maybe.

Quitting and saying goodbye are two different things.

It’s a hard lesson.

One that I do not care nor wish to repeat.

Falling down is hard on the knees.

How stupid can I be???

Im only human.

Sorry for being weak.

oOo

this has been a long day… and its just going to be a little longer.

On my way home from work I almost got run over by a bus. Yep… I was so dazed I didn’t even notice the bus rushing towards me. HAHAHAHA… the bus driver shouted at me… “Putangina… Wag ka ngang tatanga-tanga sa kalye.”

A wake up call?

Maybe death IS an option.

But I digress…

I don’t know where I am right now. I don’t know whether im coming or going.

I repeat.

Im such a hypocrite.

Like Ive said, I hate quitters, maybe its because I see that in me, maybe that’s the reason why there are a lot of people who are disappointed in me.

According to my bes, it seems that I am a magnet for lost souls. Its true, coz it takes one to know one.

It hurts when people say that iam TOO nice. Can somebody be TOO nice? Coz for me I just think that its my duty as a Christian to help my fellow brothers and sisters.

Christians as defined by pop culture are the goody two shoes of the world. Makes me rethink my status as a Christian. I smoke, I drink, I cuss and I engage(d) in pre marital sex.

Hypocrite.

I think the reason why I love helping other people out is because I love the feeling of being appreciated. According to my mom, it’s the other way around. I tend to help people out because I love the feeling of being needed. I don’t get that. Can someone please explain this to me? Maybe it IS true. Im just too dense or stupid to get it.

I help people out coz it makes me forget my own problems. Their problems make mine look wishy washy. No im not on the my life is suckier than your life jag… its simply how I feel.

Now im running away from someone who truly needs my help. My Bes.

I SMSed him that I felt like reneging on my promise. He got mad.

Now my bes is a guy that really has A problem. Not those teenybopper-bubblegum-drama queen/king boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios.

And it hit me… What right do I have to give advice or help this person out when I myself am PRETTY FUCKIN MESSED UP!

So I cried in class.

Pathetic.

I SMSed Gel and told her that I need to get away from the friendship for the moment. She cried too.

Makes me think and it scared me…

These people THINK/BELIEVE that I make a difference in their lives…

How can they say that… MY life is super messed up. My heart aches coz I cant even keep my family together.

Which brings me again to the point…

What RIGHT do I have to help other people clean their backyard, when I cant even keep mine clean?

HYPOCRISY.

So I run away.

And once again… I have disappointed someone.

Sorry Bes. I hope you can understand. Im just soo not used to talking to people about my problems. Im supposed to be the STRONG one. Its hard for me to let my guard down.

I am sad coz I call several people my bestfriends… but they “diss” me… not in a bad way… basta its hard to explain… and the only person who calls me that… ive let down…

The prospect of death or my impending doom doesn’t seem so cheesy after all.

Mea Culpa.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

You have to go...

i have to get you out of my system. i just acquired you and i know that i can get you out easier than it would be if i let you stay longer in my life.

goddammit.

i love you.

and i cant even tell you.

you make my life complete.

completely miserable.

i cant wait for the next time we talk.

i feel excited when you sms.

i cant wait for the next time we see each other...

the thing is...

i cant love you..

coz i love someone else.

i cant have your heart coz it isnt mine to begin with.

you have to go...

and so do i.

sorry.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

all you do is take... i have nothing for you right now...

just ranting.
bakit daming taong ganun?
lalapit lang pag may kailangan...
kaka pagod na.
i wish i could just sleep half my life away.
tamaan na ang tatamaan...
oOo
i slept half the day away... and spent the other half crying.
i sincerely do not know what is happening to me right now.. all i know is that im expending positive energy.. so how come it seems that all that comes back to me is negative energy?
there is a deep sadness in my heart. but i find it terribly hard to express it to my friends. ive been the strong one for much too long and it has been ingrained so deeply in me that i cant show that im weak.
everytime im around my friends my smile notches up to industrial strength. its so hard for me to look them in the eye coz im deeply afraid that they might see right through me.
a joke.
a facade.
a mask.
a clown.
im deathly afraid that one of these days im going to snap.
which is why everyday i thank all the people who make living life worthwhile.. who knows... i might be gone soon...
Howie, JP, Oliver, Dodie, Joash, Val... Thank you.. for caring for a lost soul like me. thanks for letting me rant and rave. Thank you so much for everything.
Thank you.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Shenanigans of the Three Beersketeers


aryt.. i kinda messed up.. so we'll be running backwards... *teehee* this is what you get when three people are smashed and takes pictures in a moving vehicle. ahihihihi... Howie (L: my uber babe magnet bessy) and Jean Pierre (R: my ultra loopy mate.) the Beersketeers are on their way home... *teehee*

whoa Wie, i think J.P saw dead people... JP, man.. daym, dem eyebags arent bags anymore... you can call them as a luggage set.. *teehee* gosh.. its two freakin a.m. we dont seem smashed... (galing natin mag tago...) JP... you left your transmission back at Caloocan... hehehehehe!!!

the two prettyboys in my life...

The Three Beersketeers... Japes with his eyebags, Wie with his goatee and me with my ruly and unmanegeable hair..

Gotta love these two... they let me get away with almost anything i wanted to do... MORE BEER...

Love you so much guys. *mwah*

EF. YEW.

I hate rumor mongers.

Especially when they’re your… “FRIENDS.”

I have this overwhelming urge to kickass whenever I hear people being bad mouthed and the urge is tenfold when I am the one being backstabbed.

Awhile ago, I almost quit a friendship just because of that. Its not that am not THAT strong, its just that I felt ashamed. I felt violated. I felt betrayed.

Ashamed because the persons who were badmouthing me and my friend, were also OUR friends.. or so we thought. The person that they were badmouthing aside from me is a person who doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. He has been through a lot lately and I believe he shouldn’t be the butt of gossip.

Violated. They were cheapening/bastardizing the friendship that I have with my Bes. I felt as if I was raped.

Betrayed. They WERE my “friends” actually they were our… “FRIENDS”…

I know I should pity these kind of people… but I couldn’t. I keep on thinking isn’t their life interesting enough? Why should they feast on the lives of others like vultures feast on a dear carcass… HA! They share the same qualities with vultures… they love DEAD, ROTTEN things.

But.. I slander vultures. My heartfelt apologies.

My Bes told me, why do I let it affect me that bad? Why was I willing to quit a friendship? Did I think that the relationship that I shared with him was that superficial?

The answer to all of these questions is that I hate.. no… I ABHOR (hate being such a weak word…) rumor mongering. I ABHOR being the butt of it. Call me self centered, but I also didn’t like the way they insinuated certain things that were going between me and my Bes.

Howie told me that I should just let it go because I for one know the truth behind the story. I KNOW Wie… It just pisses me off… I know I was carried away by emotion.. for that I would like to apologize to my Bes.

To you… ASS… get a life of your own. You have too much time on your hands… I PITY YOU…

To my Bes… sorry. Love you po…

JP & Howie… thanks for letting me cry and rant… I know nahiya kayo kanina sa Harbour Square…

Gel… Sis, thank you so much for listening to me. I love you so much for that… you are the sister that I never had.

Go figure…

Monday, May 08, 2006

Bes...


It took me hours, but i managed to do it.. i reposted all of my blogs... MUWAHAHAHAH... i know that its weird. i dunno, i just had this strange urge to copy and re-paste my existing blogs.

howell... this day has been one of the suckiest in my book. im pretty thankful that i have my Bes, else it would have been unbearable.

oOo

i am blessed. who would have thought that i would share a deep bond with another person even if we have just known each other for less than a month.

My bes is one of the doofiest people in the world. he's like me.. he's cheesy, malambing, makulit and... very smart.

la lang.. Bes, you might read this.. ill discuss the details on my next post.. am sleepy na eh...

Thanks so much for being my Bes. (--;)

p.s

cute mo sa pic mo ah! hwehwehwehwehwe!

Quitting You

oOo oOo oOo



I empathized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you."

I don't think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It's not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you'd be perfectly fine without it.

I thought I've done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?

This is probably the hardest quitting I'm ever going to have to do. I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it's oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.

It was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I'd like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.

How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?

Maybe I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am.

I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.

I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I'll never be good enough, like I'm begging for his time and attention, like there's something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?

Guess I wouldn't be eating merienda for a long time.




(--;)



if MOST men are dogs, then SOME women are Bitches

My heart weeps.

People don’t deserve to be treated badly.

Love is supposed to be a glorious thing

With the way things are going...

I believe its not…

I care, not with malice… but with a pure heart.

In love?

No. Maybe. I don’t know.

Genuine appreciation…

Better.

My eyes are grainy.

Why wait?

Why wonder?

Its because I care.

How?

I don’t know.

I just do.

Scared to find…

Me?

Him.

Things will be better.

Soon?

Soon.

Why am I affected?

I don’t know…

Empathy?

Maybe.

Stupid?

Definitely.

Just…

Care.

Without anything in return?

YES.


*deep sigh*



Most Men are DOGS

Are all the good men really taken?


The other day, while traversing a long road to get to the nearest videoke machine, my friend Gel and I were talking about how come all men are dogs. And some of those who aren’t dogs… well, they’re in a relationship wherein they are taken for granted or theyre gay, while we who are in dire need of a MAN, weren’t blessed by God to have these types of MEN. Men who aren’t DOGS.


Take for instance… let us call him Beep.


Beep is a man who is articulate, definitely cute, witty, has a great sense of humor, a drop dead gorgeous smile and having a cute butt didn’t hurt either. *giggle*


Beep is not gay… he is presently in a relationship that hurts him. Well lets put it this way, Beep is going through a rough patch..


a lot of would women would give an arm and a leg for a guy like Beep…


Hay…


Beep is such a nice guy he even took the time to call me over my mobile phone just to answer a stupid question that I SMSed him… "If Hitler didnt have his stupid moustache.. would he be as popular?" *giggle*


I know I’m being stupid here… I don’t have the intention of having a relationship with him you know… I’m just savoring the moments where HIS royal cuteness is pouring his attention on me. MUWAHAHAHAHAHA…


I wish I had a boyfriend like Beep… *sigh*


So there…




Beauty in Madness

These past few days, I have been engrossed in reading one of the books that R.A Salvatore has written. Here is a passage that I LOVED in one of his books… “The Two Swords” it’s the third book in The Hunter’s Blade Trilogy.

oOo

“To be an elf is to find your distances of time. To be an elf is to live several shorter life spans.” I have learned this to be true, but there is something more. To be an elf is to be alive, to experience the joy of the moment within the context of long term desires. There must be more than distant hopes to sustain the joy of life.


Seize the moment and seize the day. Revel in the joy and fight all the harder against despair.


I had something so wonderful for the last years of my life. I had with me a woman whom I loved, and was my best of friends. Someone who understood my every mood, and who accepted the bad with the good. Someone who did not judge, except in encouraging me to find my own answers. I found a safe place for my face in her thick hair. I found a reflection of my own soul in the light of her blue eyes. I found the last piece of this puzzle that is Drizzt Do’Urden in the fit of our bodies.


Then I lost her, I lost it all.


And only in losing Catti-brie did I come to see the foolishness of my hesitance. I feared rejection. I feared disrupting that which we had. I feared the reactions of Bruenor and later when he returned from the Abyss, of Wulfgar.


I feared and I feared and I feared, and that fear held back my actions, time and again.

How often do we do this? How often do we allow often irrational fears to paralyze us in our movements? Not in battle, for me, for I have never shied from locking swords with a foe. But in love and in friendship, where, I know, the wounds can cut deeper than any blade.

I will not make that mistake again… the community remains above the self; the good for the future outweighs the immediate desires. But not so much, perhaps. There is a balance to be found, I now know, for utter selflessness can be as great a fault as utter selfishness, and a life of complete sacrifice, without joy, is, at the end, a lonely and empty existence.



Love...Steel Elegance


I wonder what fuels the fires that burn images of glorious love into the hearts of many sentient races, my own paramount among them.
I look at the carnage presently happening around me and I see the inevitable sight of emptiness. I imagine the cries of pain, I hear in my head the calls for lost loves when the dying heart knows his last moment is upon him. Surely the tangible moment of heartbreak, but is there, I wonder something less tangible here, something of a greater place? Or is there perhaps - and this is my fear - something of a delusion to it all that drives us to fall in love again and again?
Along the latter line of thought, is it within us all, when the memories of love have faded past of something great that we throw aside the quiet, the calm, the mundane, the peace itself? Do we collectively come to equate love with boredom and complacency? Perhaps we hold these embers of love within us, dulled only by sharp memories of the pain and the loss and when that smothering blanket dissipates with the passage of healing time, those fires flare again to life. I saw this within myself, that I was not being of comfort and complacency, that only by the wind on my face, the trails beneath my feet and the adventure along the road could I truly be happy.
I must move on... one step closer... one step farther... to a love yet unfound.

48 facts about me

1.Are u photogenic ?= yeah.. sa camera phone ko
2. What time do you go to bed ?= around 3 - 4am
3. What was the last thing you did before this ?= buy some food... smoke
4. Whos the one you always meet the most ?= friends...
5. Whos the person youll call if you need help?= my dad
6. Whats on your mind right now ?= i need to sleep but i have to help some friends for their debate later
7. What do you prefer?american idol/malaysianidol?= american idol....
8. With whom do you wanna be with to have fun ?= my best friend... Howie
9. What movie do u wanna watch now?= none...
10. When was the last time you went out ?= February 18... i think...
11. What do you hate the most for now ?= stress... you know graduation approaching and all12. What do you do everyday besides eat & sleep?= read books
13. Colors that make you happy?= purple, blue and red
14. Most fave thing in your room ?= my bed
15. Miss someone?= hell yeah
16. Plan to buy something?= yeah.. a tablet pc...
17. Are you satisfied with your life now?= kinda.. but i know i can do better
18.Do you like seafood?= depends
19.Breakfast or dinner?= dinner
20. Do you recycle?= nah...
21. Do you have a laptop?= yef
22. Whats your favorite fast food?= cheeseburger from mc donalds
23. Cats or dogs?= none... am not an animal lover
24. Salty or sweet?= sweeeeet
25. City or country?= city...
26. Is kissing normal for your age?= er... duh
27. Are you athletic?= if you call speed reading a sport.. then IAM an OLYMPIAN
28.Would you want to be treated equally?= nah...
29. Do you have your own cell phone?= yes.
30. What do you wear to bed?= jammies
31. Ever had a crush on a teacher in high school?= duh.. who doesnt
32. Coke or pepsi?= coke
33. sugar or spice?= spice.
33. Can you use chopsticks?= yes.
34. Do you like to read for pleasure?= always...
35. Do you care about getting good grades?= noppe...
36. Have you ever fallen asleep in class?= a lot of times
37. Get a job or ask your parents for money?= get a job...
38. Is your dad strict?= no
39. Do your parents give you enough privacy?= yes.
40. Do your parents trust you?= yeah...
41. Would you ever wanna lose your best friends?= NOPE
42. Does your best friend get on your nerves?= he does.. all the time... but he makes me happy... so it balances it out
43. Do you make friends quickly?= no. i intimidate people a lot.
44. Do you tell your mom everything?= if i did... she would keel over and die
45. What do you & your parents fight about most?= graduation... lol...
46. If u love someone & she/he rejected u whatwill u do to her/him?= laugh.. and say ok lang.. hindi ko naman kawalan yun eh
47. Can u sing or rap?= cant doe either to save my life
48. If u have one wish , who would u make urwife/husband for the wish?= someone who will understand my convoluted mind.. be as strong as me... who pushes back and loves me with all his heart and soul...

A Matter of Perspective

Every person on this planet has their own take on everything. Tonight I have learned another way to look at things.
My friend Arghnold is sad because the relationship he shared with his special someone is now nonexistent.
While I was hanging around my fave café at school, Argh came up to me and asked if it would be ok for me to accompany him at RK (a café outside school) Earlier on, my friend Caca had informed me that Argh had broken up with his S.O. so I knew that Argh wanted to talk.
Here was how the conversation went:
Argh: Jenn, when you look at me, what do you see?
Me: (looking at him while lighting a cig, takes a long drag and exhales) I see a strong person. A smart and talented one. When I mean strong, your persona is powerful. You seem in total control of yourself.
Argh: I knew you were going to say that
Me: Sweetie, I don’t mean to sound too arrogant, but I don’t have friends who aren’t as ‘powerful’ as me.
Argh: I’m tired of being Mr. Invincible
Me: I so know how you feel…
Argh: (takes a drag from his cig then exhales) you know what, I am not sad because the relationship is over. I am sad because I still want to help my S.O
Me: why what happened?
Argh: the long and short of it is that my S.O is a basketcase
Me: Correct me if I’m wrong. Why does it seem that individuals like us, always fall for those below our station?
Argh: I know.. tell me about it. (shakes his head)
Me: so why do you think we fall for people like them?
Argh: in my case, its not that I have bad taste in choosing my S.O, its just that I’m a sucker for those who seem to need a makeover… and I mean that in the personality aspect. It makes me seem like I bring out the worst in people.
Me: I KNOW... its because a lot of people don’t want to come out of their comfort zones… and it seems that we are the ones who are the catalyst that pushes them to become the people that they ARE destined to be. It just seems that we bring out the worst in them because we push them to strive harder… we push them towards change and for most people they think change is a bad thing. So how do you cope with a lost relationship?
Argh: I just remember my purpose… I’m actually not that sad because this morning when I woke up, I realized that my purpose in my S.O’s life is to make my S.O take the path towards what people believe is my S.O’s greater destiny. i have done my purpose.. and it is now up to my S.O on what to do…
Me: I like that point of view….
Argh: anyway, its not my loss… its my S.O’s… I gotta go.. I still have class… Thanks for listening Jenn..
When Arghnold left, I pondered upon what he has said. Purpose. It made me smile… coz it reminded me of my bestfriend Howie. He said that the people that hurt us are just tools for us to fulfill our greater destinies. Arghnold on the other hand says that our purpose in life is to help people become the person that they are meant to be… and not just reinforce the feeling that the person they are NOW is the person that they really are.
So there…

Random.Acess.Memory


I am a wanderer.
Rather… that’s what I think I am.
Maybe everyone is moving too fast and I’m just standing still.
I have been pretty morose these past few days… and when I am in that state of funk, I evaluate what is happening in my life. Maybe I have been looking at the glass as half empty… when I should have been looking at the glass as if it is half full…
But this is not the case… if one POURS liquid into and empty glass... then it is HALF FULL… but if the glass was full in the first place and one pours half of the content out or drinks it.. then the glass if HALF EMPTY…
oOo
HALF EMPTY: people around me seem only to remember me when they have problems. When they don’t need me… I believe I cease to exist to them. Sad aint it?
HALF FULL: this is what happens to God most of the time. People only remember to pray to Him when they are in dire straights… God is so enduring… maybe I should too?
oOo
HALF EMPTY: I do not have the privilege of crumbling down…
HALF FULL: but I do have the privilege to take a break. (Thanks Howie)
oOo
HALF EMPTY: people leave me because they don’t need me anymore
HALF FULL: I can help more people out because of this.
oOo
Before I went home, my friend Arghnold and I were talking about how pathetic it is when a guy drops you like a hot potato for someone whom everyone believes is uglier than you… he had another point of view about this…
Jenn: Do you know how irritating it is to see your ex with his S.O who is like uglier than you (in someway… not only in the physical aspect)
Arghnold: why are you so bothered about that? Me, when I see my ex with his S.O… and that S.O is like uglier than me… I laugh out loud… I mean… DUH…
Jenn: HAHAHAHAHAHAA
After hearing Arghnold say that… I felt loads lighter… the glass is indeed HALF-FULL…
oOo
the balance in the force has been restored… I am now at peace.

Whew

WARNING: this post is going to be a LOOONG one… this post is equivalent to the two days that I haven’t been able to blog… so if you don’t have time to read this… don’t… but if you have the spare time… then please do so…
I am so ecstatic… my best friend Robbie has come back! After a year in
Texas, he has come back to the
Philippinesto spend the Holidays here. But I’m getting ahead of myself here…
Earlier on:
After the Dex fiasco two days over, I still went to school the next day. I had to face him sometime… it might as well be the day after, even if I was still nursing a feverish state. The night of the fiasco, I cried my eyes out and the morning after, the thought of facing him made me nauseous (maybe it was the fever). Oh well... if life gives you lemons…slice it up and lets have tequila shots!
Hahahaha… but I digress…
I saw Dex around campus and he had that ‘I’m sorry I feel awkward around you smile/grimace’ whenever he saw me. But me... I acted cool, even if deep inside worms were trying to crawl up and out my throat.
While I was having lunch, someone was ringing my mobile phone, I checked it and it was an unlisted number, being the curious George that I was, I answered it… to my utter surprise… IT WAS ROBBIE!!! He called me up to tell me that he was coming home for the holidays, and if I could fetch him from the airport.
This great news gave me the boost to get me through a horrendous day of bumping into Dex… it seemed that everywhere I looked or went he was THERE?! Jeez…
oOo
While waiting for Robbie’s plane to arrive, I was starting to feel a little nervous. Robbie and I had several unfinished issues. First, we were best friends that had “chemistry.” Second, our budding romance (when? Don’t ask… twas too long ago… 1999 or something) was cut short because the advertising company that he was working in kept sending him out of the country for seminars and trainings (Robbie is a webdev)
I wondered if the “chemistry” was still there. The times that we spent together… were stunning. I had to remind myself that I had to breathe whenever he was around, coz he had a way of looking at people intensely with those gorgeous chinito BROWN EYES of his. I mean when he looked at you, he made it seem like you were THE MOST INTERESTING person on this planet and nothing else mattered. We also didn’t get to settle the issue of where we stood in each other’s life because of his work. So we just made the most of the situation. Whenever either of us would be free, we’d either catch a movie, or hang around his flat eating everything in sight, or drive out of town and catch a sunrise, or just sleep (him on the floor and me on the couch.) These thoughts made me feel even more nauseous (either that or it was the fever or lack of food)
Then I saw him… Robbie… he looked different. He seemed taller (he stands at 5’6), seemed a little leaner, and for crying out loud!!! He shaved his head. But he still had those trademark chinky eyes and that parenthesis smile of his. I waved to him and he saw me.
Robbie: Hey little one! I love what you’ve done to your hair! *tugs on my bangs* Red hair ha… So sassy! You look like a sosyal na Rakiztahh… Hahaha
Jenn: Ikaw nga eh KALBO! Saka ang daya mo!!! Pumayat ka!!!
Robbie: OO naman. What do you think I did there… sleep all the time? Nagtrabaho din naman ako no! Ikaw nga eh tumaba ka lalo.
Jenn: Ouch naman.
Robbie: Hahahahah! Its ok little one. At least maganda ka pa ren.
Jenn: Tse!
Robbie: Lets head on to the Diamond Hotel. Dun tumawag si Mommy at nag book ng room sakin.
Jenn: Ok…
So there we went to the hotel. Then headed up to his room. He ordered room service and we ate dinner in his room. I looked at my mobile and saw that it was already 9:00 in the evening.
Jenn: Bes, uwi na ako… Mag papahinga muna ako… I’m still a little feverish. Saka I promised my friend Gian that I’d rest.
Robbie: Dito ka na lang matulog. We need to catch up. Isang taon din naman tayo hindi nagkita no!
Jenn: I don’t have any sleeping clothes.
Robbie: Papahiramin na lang kita ng isang t-shirt ko. Yung football jersey ni Clarence. Saka yung warmer ko na
ChicagoBulls.. its in my duffel.
Jenn: Fine… kung hindi ka lang malakas sakin…
I went to his bags, rummaged around and saw the jersey and pants. Then I headed to the bathroom and took a shower and changed.
Jenn: Bes, sleep muna ako…
Robbie: Sige, I’m going to watch TV muna… my body clock is still whacked.
Jenn: Night Bes… *bussed him on the cheek*
I slid under the covers and tried to sleep (I have this problem kasi that I’m not used to sleeping with people beside me, even my parents. Nagiging mababaw ang tulog ko) I guess I might have dozed off because next thing I knew I was trembling from the cold. Nilagnat na ako ng tuluyan and the damned a/c was friggin’ cold. I saw Robbie sitting on the couch still watching TV. So I called him to turn down the a/c, he stood up and went near the bed and felt my forehead.
Robbie: Naku bes, may lagnat ka.
Jenn: Yeah, can you like turn the a/c down… giniginaw na ako sobra… my feet feel like ice blocks na ren.
It was at that point that he raised the comforter and felt around for my feet.
Robbie: yeah.. grabe.. wait, let me grab some socks from my bag…
He got some thick tube socks from his bag and put them on my feet. Tapos he massaged my feet to make them warm. The massage made me feel drowsy again so I said my thanks to my best friend for the caring gestures. I closed my eyes and felt the mattress pop back up as he stood. Then I felt him tuck the covers tight around me and felt his lips on my forehead.
On the tip of my nose…
And on my lips… I really don’t know what possessed me, but I kinda kissed him back… (maybe I was delirious… I had a fever right??? I know… LAME excuse)
Then I felt him sit beside me (I still kept my eyes closed because I was kinda afraid of what he would say…) and continue our kiss. I felt his hand on the back of my neck and one of his thumbs was stroking my cheek.
Long minutes passed before we surfaced for air, we were both breathing hard (kala mo nag marathon sa oval). He leaned his forehead against my right ear and I could feel his warm breath on my shoulder. Robbie was whispering something like missing me so bad that he wanted me to forget who he was, for me to forget who I was and discover each other until the stars burned out and the universe went black.
My eyes popped open at this thought. I was like... whoa wait a minute… hold that horse… I sat up and told him…
Jenn: We shouldn’t be doing this bes.
Robbie: I know… I’m so sorry.
Jenn: I think I should go home. *I started to get up from bed*
Robbie: No! Please… don’t go… I’m sorry.
Jenn: I don’t want this to happen… if I stay… who knows…
Robbie: Please Bes, sorry na…
After much pleading and dissection of what happened (being the dork that I am) I agreed to stay. So I went back under the covers and closed my eyes. I guess I might have dozed off again coz when I woke up I saw Robbie on the couch asleep.
Naawa naman ako sa kanya so I got the other layer of the bed (yung cover, bago sa comforter) then I placed it on his sleeping form. I bussed him on the cheek again and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
When I saw that it was already 6:00a.m I took a shower na rin, then changed into the stuff that I was wearing when I fetched Robbie. When I got out of the bathroom, I shook Robbie awake, told him to lie on the bed and that I had to go home. Being the dutiful best friend that he was he wanted to make hatid me to school, but I declined seeing that he hasn’t had enough sleep yet. I just told him that we’ll catch up on Sunday evening na lang…
Whew… so there.

Exorcism of Jenn




WARNING: this post is going to be a long winded one… so if you have better things to do… then I warn you not to read this anymore…
Still here?
Thank you.
Today, I broke my heart…
How?
Well… let’s start from the beginning.
This morning when I got home, I went straight to the computer and checked if any of my friends were online. There were two, Rishy and Gian. I PM’ed them and after sharing a brief conversation, I went on to do my morning rituals and went to school to talk to Dex.
I found Dex lounging around the food court. Here was how our conversation went:
Jenn: Dex, may meeting po ba ang mga SR?
Dex: Hey Jenn, walang meeting.
Jenn: I see, so how come you made me come here?
Dex: I needed to talk to you.
Jenn: What about?
Dex: About us.
Jenn: I thought that there was no
US?
Dex: That’s what I wanted to talk about.
Jenn: *confused*
Dex: I gave you my watch the other day kasi I wanted to tell you that I envy the way you manage your time. Saka I noticed that you didn’t have one, tapos I just wanted to give you my favorite watch because I wanted you to know how I appreciate you being a part of my life for this past few years. I value our friendship.
Jenn: *embarrassed*
Dex: Oh… you thought… *understanding blooms on his face*
Jenn: Err… yeah.
Dex: *blushes bright red*
Jenn: Is that all po?
Dex: Bakit mo ko pino-po?
Jenn: Err… *a lump that as large as a baseball was blocking my throat* Yun lang po ba?
Dex: Look, I’m sorry if I sent you mixed messages…
Jenn: It’s ok. It’s the story of my life. Is there anything else Sir?
Dex: Kanina po... ngayon Sir naman… Ano ka ba?
Jenn: *I wanted to hide under a rock* Is that all?
Dex: Wala ka na bang ibang sasabihin? Kundi ‘is that all?’
Jenn: Erm, yeah. Well if that’s all there is to it, I have to go.
Dex: Look, I’m really sorry.
Jenn: Sorry about what? You didn’t do anything. I really have to go. I’ll see you around the office na lang Dex. *I badly wanted to run away*
Dex: I’m really sorry.
Jenn: *turns around, then walks away whispering* not as sorry as I am.
At this point, I exited the food court and went to the parking lot. (I think I was hyperventilating at this point…) then my friend Donna calls me up asking a humongous favor. Since I had nothing better to do, I went on and said yes to the favor she was asking…
I went to Pope Pius (at
U.N. Ave) and became the Stage Manager of the play that her company was producing. This distracted me from my utter embarrassment with the Dex fiasco. While the play was being rehearsed, I was texting Gian. I wanted to pour my heart out to him, but I remembered that he had his own Shiite to deal with so I sucked it up and went on with the rehearsal.
After the play, Donna was asking me to join them eat dinner and attend the gimmick that the cast and staff were going to. I declined and went home.
Upon reaching the house, I went straight to my room and saw state in which I left it this morning. In my haste to go meet Dex, I left my room looking as if Hurricane Katrina dropped in and paid a visit.
I just grit my teeth and went to my closet to change my clothes. I grabbed my favorite comfy lavender pajamas and white almost tattered Lacoste shirt. After changing, I picked up my pillows that were on the floor (all four of it), folded my comforter (that was also on the floor) and several items of clothing that were scattered and hung all across my room. Then on my study table I saw it… Dex’s watch.
I suddenly felt all my embarrassment, frustrations, anger and whatnot pour out.
I sat on my cot and cried.
I cried for the stupidity that I have been committing for the past 23 years.
I cried for my ex who didn’t appreciate the way I took care of him.
I cried for my relationship with my mom and how it seems that we could never fix it.
I cried for my father who I miss so much.
I cried because I was scared for myself. I don’t know where I really am headed.
I cried because my friend G was also feeling lost.
I cried because of the injustice of societal dictate of its definition of what beauty is.
I cried for the people that couldn’t cry for themselves not because they couldn’t cry, but because people were relying on them to be strong for them.
I cried for my shoulda, woulda, couldas…
I cried for my lost friend Jazzy, whom it seems everyone has forgotten. (I miss you Jazzy…)
I cried because it was healthy to let it all out.
After that long crying jag… I stood up and went to the bathroom…
I cleaned each tile that was there… I scrubbed the walls, the floor and yes, the throne itself.
I poured my anger, frustration, depression and all my energy in making those tiles gleam.
While rinsing the soap off the walls and bowl, I felt as if I were also cleansing myself of all the negative things that I have kept inside me. I felt renewed. Now… all I need is a good night’s sleep.
So there…

My own Cinderella Man





Disclaimer : this author has been deserted by her muses… therefore the result of this blog may not be very verbose as the others… nor as profound (?)… hehehehe…
Before I give you the story for this blog, let me give you a rundown of what I’ve done today…
I went to CCP to coordinate and event
After that, went to Church
Then went home to sleep
Then watched the DVD of Cinderella Man
With that said, let me go on to my blog proper.
My friend G, had been burned pretty bad by love, and now, he believes that he is running a long streak of bad luck, business wise and also his love life (I need not expound on this further, lest I get beat on the head by a laptop)
Anyway, while watching Cinderella Man, I was texting Gian. He must have been pretty morose today coz he was pretty quiet (a relative term… in regard with SMS ... heeehee) so I sent him a message over YM... it was something written by Nicholas Sparks in his novel “The Notebook.” Then he replied that whatever I said in that message, he wasn’t also good at that… which I think made him (if possible) more morose.
Gian told me that he knew exactly how Jimmy Braddock (Russel Crowe) felt at the time that he was experiencing difficulties… coz he is experiencing a lot of trials right now. With that I told him that he (Gian) needed a Mae Braddock (Renee Zelleweger) in his life.
Since he isn’t (?) looking for a girlfriend right now… (or is he? Hahahaha Peace tayo GIan!) I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be one of the Mae Braddocks in his life. I don’t mean it in a romantic sense. I know… I know.., Mae Braddock is the wife of Jim Braddock, but my point here is that she was there for him no matter what. She was supportive of everything Jim did, even if she didn’t approve of it. They were like the best of friends. They had a relationship that transcended fair weather stuff.
Friends do that for each other... They help/support each other even if you do not approve of what he/she is doing.. or they do anything/everything in their power to make their friend happy…without expecting anything in return. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s what I am to my friends.
Actually, that is what I have with my best friend Howie. Most people are weirded out by me and Wie, coz we have a bond between us that is more than brother and sister. We take care of each other… support each other and never take each other for granted… and yes… we do that without the messy-icky-yucky romantic entanglements that they call love… (or bf/gf relationships)
But I have digressed.
Since it was pretty hard to explain to Gian (over SMS) MY concept of friendship… I might as well just plop it here in my blog.
He seemed a little amazed at the amount of the extent that my hand of friendship has gone to him (coz we have only known each other for less than two weeks.)
Back to my point.
I wanted to tell Gian (without sounding weird) that I sincerely want to help sort himself out during his “transitory period” (his words, not mine) but its still up to him if he wants to take it though… most people are weirded out by me being so “helpful”
Take note though, I only choose the people that I go out on a limb for… I don’t know why but G has this jene-saiz`quoi… that makes me want to help him. I guess am a sucker for lost souls.
Also, on another part of the film, Jim Braddock has become the spirit of his community. He was the epitome of second chances. Jim Braddock also didn’t know that he influences and inspires people with his life.
I wanted to tell Gian about that too… He feels like he is lost right now, (maybe, and this is a big assumption on my part) and he feels like he’s at the crossroads of his life yet he doesn’t know what to do… Gian, must be an inspiration to a group of people somewhere… maybe in his circle of friends or his family... I dunno…
In the end, Jim Braddock triumphs… like it is said... if you’re at the bottom of the barrel... you don’t have any other place to go but up... that’s where you’re headed G.
Take heart ok? If you need me… I’m just an SMS away.
There’s my blog.

 
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