Monday, August 28, 2006

Lamentation of St. Anger - Latte Day Saint


i am st. anger.
i am the latte day saint.
oOo
Lamentation
gnashing teeth
rending garments
wailing
moaning
keening
crying.
what more do you need?
what more do you want?
err 'twas borne
au revoir petite jeune.
au revoir to the unborn cherub
did i do something wrong?
did i say something wrong?
a black hole has taken up residence in me.
taking the place of where my heart used to be.
i guess its my fault too.
au revoir cherub.
oOo
i dont know who to blame.
maybe i couldve done more.
couldve cared more.
shouldve shared more.
shouldve talked more.
should've; would've; could'ves...
gone.
i always thought i knew how deeply wounding the pain of loss is.
boy was i wrong.
was i ever wrong.
i guess im numb now.
when you told me what happened...
the colors from the world slowly faded...
like cheap watercolor being washed off the pavement by torrential rain.
i will NEVER forgive you.
NEVER.
NEVER.
so pack your bags and go into the night.
i shant care where you end up.
as long as you're not here.
... i am beyond anger ...
... i am beyond pain ...
... i am beyond sadness...
i am st. anger.
i am the latte day saint.
oOo
someone asked me this question...
when does one become a best friend?
this actually bothered me for a few days... coz i myself dont know the answer... so i asked around... these are the answers that i've got so far:
* When they are friends even if you don't have anything & they are always be there for you to comfort & offers help if needed & trouble arises.
* both sides understand and accept each others idiosyncrasies and behavior...
* kahit sa text lang, alam mo na kung anong feelings nya (*sigh*)
* kabisado mo kung may dapat syang sabihin sayo or kung may problema sya and vice-versa (*ehem*)
* I think a person is your best friend when his there when you needed him the most. I can't really say he ALWAYS have to be there for you. It's a bit unfair to have that unnecessary expectation. (*ouch*)
* well i guess a best friend is someone you could rely on / depend on at all times. best friends never leave each other especially during times of crisis. it works both ways. if only one of you is considering the "best friend" relationship then it would be hard, unfair, and depressing on your part...
and this is the best answer that i have gotten so far...
* When you can't seem to find the exact words to define how he/she became one. You just know it by heart.
**** with one of the answers that i got, a new question came to mind...
"so if only one person considers somebody as the best friend but the other person doesnt do the same, then that doesnt qualify as a best-friend relationship?"
i need answers to this... Message me.. please? thanks...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Songs in my heart

Untitled - Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on

As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

oOo

Run Away - Staind

I'm still scared.
Afraid of failing
Anticipating, the ride to end.
before the wheels begin to move.

So I can hide
I've mastered feeling nothing.
I'm dead inside.
Why don't I care?

The truth is that
I'm not so good
At showing how I feel.
Or keeping my mouth shut
When there's something to conceal.
Or knowing how to love,
Love's not in my memories
How can I rise above
All my insecurities

oOo

I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?


I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)


I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this,

I'm okay!(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-f*cking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay


oOo

VOICE WITHIN - Christina Aguilera

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly


When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:


When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid


No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus:

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know (be strong)
You’ll break it (hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Chorus
Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

Thursday, August 24, 2006

the buck stops here

i quit.

yep.

this is it.

nice knowing you.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

you.suck.jenn

you know what...

there are two things that i realized today...

1. not everyone is meant to make a difference

and

2. i am not special...

oOo

I think its getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think its getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think its the getting to the point
That is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think I only think about you
When were both in the same room
You think Im only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think were here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think its only fair to do whats
Best for you and you alone
You think its only fair to do the same
To me when youre not home
I think its time to make this something that is
More than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home.

But Im warning you, dont ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you
Ill be the first to crucify you
Now its time to prove that youve come back
Here to rebuild.


Monday, August 21, 2006

unheeded call :'(

a call for help gone unheeded by the person i needed the most.

i have been living on my own for more or less seven years. so iam basically used to doing almost everything by myself.

i was feeling pretty depressed and scared. i think i am making a big deal out of nothing...

i sent out a cry for help last saturday... but it had gone unheeded.

the last person that i expected that i would be able to cry on was the one who took me in under his wing, while
the person i needed the most, wasnt there for me.

i dont call that ironic.. i call that a bummer.

i thank God for small favors though.

to my snookums... i know youre reading this... thank you SO much for letting me cry on your shoulder (metaphorically)

oOo

my heart was full of anger last saturday for that unheeded call. when i got to church this morning, i prayed to God to take all the anger out. He answered that prayer, now all that's left is an immense sadness.

pray for me guys. i need it.

Friday, August 18, 2006

FUNERAL BLUES

FUNERAL BLUES by W.H. Auden

stop all the clocks,
cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin,
let the mourners come
let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message

He is dead
put crepe bows round the white neck of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton glove

she was my north, my south, my east and my west,
my working week and my sunday rest.
my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
i thought that love would last for ever.

i was wrong
the stars are not wanted now:
put out everyone;
pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
for nothing can ever come to any good

oOo
'All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhood completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.'--from Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

Thursday, August 17, 2006

*sigh*

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new...


What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I live...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Paglalayag Pag Gabi

Paglalayag Pag Gabi

kakaiba ang mukha ng syudad pag gabi
ang liwanag ng poste ang nagsisilbing gabay
sa bawat mamang drayber na pumapasada
at taong naglalakad sa tabi ng kalsada

mas malamig ang hangin sa byahe pag gabi,
maraming ilaw, mula sa mga jeep at kotse na bumabaybay

sa jeep ang mukha ng mga tao ay kakaiba
naaaninagan mo dahil sa dilaw na ilaw
ng jeep ni manong drayber na kanina pa nakasalang sa syudad
maihatid ka lamang sa iyong paroroonan

ang mga tao ay nagsisiuwian na sa kani-kanilang tahanan
gabi na kasi sa syudad na iba ang itsura
pero ako paalis pa lamang

oOo

everyone has to lose their naivete at one point in time or another...

i lost mine when i was in grade 4.

but it doesnt mean that when you lose it, you grow up.

me... im still getting used to it.

oOo

something strange happened to me earlier this evening...

Carlo picked me up from work and then we went to Mt. Carmel Parish to visit my angkong (paternal grandfather) on his 1st death anniversary. After that, he dropped me off at school so that i could go to class. At 6pm he picked me up and we had dinner with his family.

After dinner while Carlo and I were preparing to leave, his tai-mah (maternal great grandmother, who for some weird reason is still alive and strong at 98 :lol: ) came up to me and said "Siobe, di kwi he lo? Di ye bak chiu si ya lao lo..." (literal translation: Little sister, how old are you? You seem to have old eyes...)(Carlo's translation: Little One, how old are you? You seem to have an old soul...) Being the tired twit that I was the only thing that i was able to say was "Gwa e bak chiu si ya lao, kasi gwa ya ay khun lo. Gwa bo le siya khun e." (translation: My eyes look old because Im already very sleepy. Coz I dont sleep that much) Then she goes... "Um si la.. di ye bak chiu yaw lao la. Di bo hwa hi ba kina? Di ye sing kim ya tya... Mang ane la. Di bo kwa si lo..." (No, its not... You really have an old soul. It isn't happy now, dont worry everything is going to be alright.)

That actually freaked me out. In the car, i asked Carlo if his tai-mah was always like that. He said, "Yeah, most of the time we just chalk it up to senility, but there are times that she has these "predictions" that are true... But don't mind it that much.. maybe its just one of those days."

oOo

The other night, I was at Starbucks with my bessy. He was feeling a lil blue partly because of things that are happening in the office and partly because of his run with luck or its lack thereof...

I was also in a funk because I'm disappointed with some things. So I pulled up the drawbridge once more.

Im amazed at how my bessy could get past my guard and pull me out of the castle effortlessly. In the span of a few minutes he had me laughing out loud. ^_^

I also said something to him that he liked and I've been thinking about what i told him and it made me realize another thing... that I should stop running away from my problems. No matter how far and how fast I run away, its going to catch up with me. Even if I go to another country, my problems would still be waiting for me when I come back.

Now, I'm done running. I'm done fighting the wind.

For that I am thankful.

oOo

Work has been a breeze lately... since we weren't doing much I have the chance to surf the net, post in my blog and post in my forums...

I found this hilarious thread in Pinoyexchange.com its "The most unique answer to an I LOVE YOU declaration..." This is the post that made me laugh out loud...

Guy (sending an SMS to his GF) : I LOVE YOU
response: "Check Operator Service"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

oOo

a song for my bessy... ^_^

BREATHING
by: Lifehouse

I’m finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don’t really know what I’m gonna do
When I get there...
Take a breath and hold on tight
And spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

’cause I’m hanging on every word you say
And even if you don’t wanna speak tonight
That’s alright,
alright with me’cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside heaven’s door
And listen to you breathing
It’s where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...

I’m looking past the shadows in my mind
Into the truth and i’m
Trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it were you
Let me feel one more time what it
Feels like to feel alive
And break these callouses off of me one more time

’cause I’m hanging on every word you say
And even if you don’t wanna speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me’cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing
It’s where I wanna be, yeah-ah...

I don’t want a thing from you
I bet you’re tired of me
Waiting for the scraps to fall off
Of your table to the ground...

’cause I just wanna be here now...
’cause I’m hanging on every word you say
And even if you don’t wanna speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me’cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside heaven’s door
And listen to you breathing
It’s where I wanna be, yeah...

’cause I’m hanging on every word you say
And even if you don’t wanna speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me’cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside heaven’s door
And listen to you breathing
It’s where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...
Where I wanna be...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

highlight.this

i am putting the drawbridge up again.

my heart has been trampled enough on as it is.

my faith in my fellowmen has once again waned.

i cant seem to find someone who i can lean on right now.

it has always been better to smile even when youre hurting. less questions that way.

i am so disappointed with so many people right now.

i never ask for anything.

haha. maybe thats the reason why i dont get anything.

shit happens.

yep.

a lot.

to me.

wish i had a friend right now.


just keep swimming

Friday, August 11, 2006

balloon for Carlo

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Saying G'bye is never Fun.

Technicolor smile that puts the rainbow to shame.
With eyes that outshine the stars.
Songs floating in a silent midnight.
Nocturnal rhythms pacifying a restless soul.
Intoxicated by your laughter showered in my dreams.
Your endless charades and cloaked words.
Keep the saxophone humming with tears.
Soliloquy in solitude is solace.
So and so.
Are you a soldier fighting for sorrow?
Doppelganger, I need you.
So I can tread the unknown
Without leaving this home.
Truth.
Taboo.
You.
Notes from your guitar solo—stringed to become a lullaby in yellow.
Where do you want me to go?
Perhaps to the Urals between?
Tell me and I shall follow.
See the senseless series?
I say what is inside me
Then came the screeching tires.
Damn distractions.
There you are.
Standing still.
Gone before you came.
You and I.
You.
Like a child.
Playing.
Knowing yet not.
Pretending, maybe.
Or simply, oblivious.
I.
Like the rain.
Weeping.
In grief yet smiling.
Insane, maybe.
Or simply, oblivious.
Silence.
Utter goodbye.
Goodnight.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

poem for my bes...

tulog na
habang bukas pa ang iyong isipan
sa pagdating ng umaga

tulog na
habang maluwag pa ang iyong paghinga
patungo sa daloy ng panaginip

tulog na
habang ako'y gising pa
dahil sa bangungot ng hinagpis

tulog na
habang mababantayan pa kita
laban sa kahapong mapang-api...

darating ang umaga
sana'y pareho tayong malaya na.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A day's correspondence...

Dear Carlo,

You liked me because I was kind, gentle, thoughtful and loving. You liked me because I always had a ready smile on my face, a sweet gesture for everyone, an ear to listen to your ramblings and thoughts. I was liked by many, scorned by some.

Like moth to a flame, you were attracted to me because you saw the sadness I try so much to hide. You felt proud that you knew something about me that no one else knew. A weakness, if I may call it that.

But you failed to see that beneath the pain, I am hiding something much more sinister. Something that could consume me, if I let it.

And I saw your capacity for kindness, your sensitivity to other people’s pain. I saw in you your capability to love wholeheartedly.

And you did. You fell in love with me. You offered yourself to me, your whole life, and your soul. I never asked for it.

You didn’t understand the source of the sadness and pain you saw in my eyes. You thought you knew, but in that, you were wrong. You saw everything good in me. The love and affection I could give, but you failed to realize that I am cold, cruel and ruthless.

My coldness feeds on the warmth of your love. Taking in me every drop you could give. All the love you have to offer. And more. Until you have nothing left. Until you see only ashes in that place that once contained your heart. Until you are unable to love again without the thought of being betrayed enters your mind. Until your life is ruined, your relationships destroyed.

Now you see not just the pain I’ve endured and the love I could give, you also see the cruelty in my heart.

Now that I’ve shown you the best and the worst in me, would you still dare to love me? Could you still accept me? Are you still willing to offer yourself to me?

I dare you.

oOo

his reply:

I like you because you are cheerful, intelligent and sweet in some ways. Your smile has often kept me without words to say. I could spend the whole time looking at you do your expressions and still wouldn't get bored. I wouldn't mind doing nothing as long as I'm with you.

I am attracted to you not because I see a damsel in despair, that I may exploit your weaknesses and the things I know about you. Like fish in water, I am comfortable when I'm with you.

You let me see a portion of your character, the other part you prefer to be a mystery. You are sweet and in some ways insensitive. Yet I saw in you the capability to love.

I did fall in love with you not because you asked for it but it was a choice my heart made.

I need not understand the sadness and pain you have inside. I rather give you love and affection, carry you through those moments of agony and despair. Your coldness and cruelty have succeded in shutting me out of your heart, your ruthlessness pushed me away when I came close.

My love I gave to warm the coldness in your heart. Giving you everything through patience and understanding. Everything my heart can offer including my soul. That I know nothing is left in me after this and I shall forever wander in darkness.

Now you see not only my devotion and sincerity, but also the pain I endured because of your cruelty.

would you love the kind of person I am?

oOo

a follow-up on his 1st email...

True, I liked the person you showed the world, but when I found the person you were trying to hide, that was when I first loved you.

No, I was not a moth, unwilling victim to a flame. Nor did I fancy myself the knight, off to rescue the fair lady in the tower. It was not your vulnerability that led me to you, it was the strength I saw, that made me come to you. Not the tears behind the smile, but the smile behind those tears.

I know you never asked for it, but offer I nonetheless did. You do not always need to ask for the things you need, sometimes its offered freely.

I read in a book somewhere, ‘what evil good can do’. And I have not only read it, I lived it, all these times I was with you. But then, I did not only love the good, but all the bad times too.

How long before you realize, that the heart is a lot more resilient. Burn it, freeze it, drain it dry. But still it will emerge. It will be scarred and wounded, yes, but, no it shall not die. Turn the volume down and listen, for the steady beat you’ll hear, is my heart emerging once again, offering the promise to love you.

Yes I dare. Yes, I do. And yes, I am.

Now I dare YOU… Let me.

oOo

how can you not fall for that huh?

Monday, August 07, 2006

Knight of my Heart


thanks for being here. thank you for the song. thank you for James Blundt. thank you for listening. thank you for being you.

thank you for being a simple hero.

the castle seems to be a less dreary place now that you're here to guard it.

*one day at a time*


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

-disconnect-

When do stars fade their light?
Does the moon and the sun make it right
For you the world maybe
Like an endless storm chasing a mystery
Is there hate in your heart?

Does your body drop and tell you to stop
Loving you or loving me
When it all falls down you just sing with me
Coz there’s a blue sky waiting tomorrow

Waiting tomorrow shining and shimmering
A blue sky waiting tomorrow
Waiting tomorrow
Maybe it’s all we need
Oh don’t you wash away that smile

You just look out the window and see the light
It’s beautiful to be alive
It’s wonderful to live a life
The sun is sure to shine

For you and me for everyone
So don’t be sad it’s just the start
Of a new beginning in your life
Rain will keep on pouring

Some things you can’t control
And while the sun seems far and hard to hold
It will unfold
There will always be a blue sky

A blue sky waiting tomorrow


oOo

ever want to shut out the world?

i do.

so im pulling up the drawbridge...

oOo

due to unforseen and unfortunate circumstances... the Goddess will be on Hiatus...

for how long? well that is yet to be determined.

thanks for reading.

Walking in faith...

*this is the Goddess temporarily signing off*

oOo

all i asked for was you to be here. for me. please do so. wag ka pong mawawala...

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Irate.Agent.On.Queue

“Thank you for calling XBOX Live this is Jenn speaking may I have your first and last name please?”

“May I call you by your first name?”

“Thank you ______, now may I please have the phone number associated with the XBOX account please, starting with the area code.”


"Thank you for that information and I’m pulling up your account as we speak. Now while my system is loading up your account, may I please have a brief overview of the reason why you’re calling XBOX Live today?”

“So basically you’re calling in because _______.”

“Ok, *insert apology/empathy statement here*, lets try to get this issue resolved for you today.”

“Before we could proceed further with this call, I would need to verify several more information, would that be alright with you?”

“Ok, thank you. Are you the credit card holder for this account?”


"May I please have your billing address?”

"The email address that is associated with this XBOX account?”

“May I please have your gamertag?”

“My last question would be, may I please have the last four digits of the credit card that is associated with this account please…?”

“Is there anything else I can help you with regarding billing issues for this account?”

“Ok, thank you so much for calling XBOX Live, we appreciate your business with us, and have a great day.”

I have said these lines over 30 times today. 37 to be exact.

My throat is sore from all that talking and coughing, I just want to go to bed and sleep till next year.

I will be having my prelims for taxation later. Sheesh… I haven’t even prepared for that exam. I’m just gonna wing it… bahala na si Batman at ang mga diyos ng mga Intsik

oOo

I bumped into Ilou earlier and we got to talk. According to her, she was fixing my file and she was wondering why according to my résumé I’m still an undergraduate of Mass Communication, where in I’m already a junior law student.

I explained to her the reason why my résumé was created in that way. One time, when Howie and I applied to People Support, on our résumés we put that we were law students. We passed the initial screening and on the final interview, they (meaning the HR people) told us that usually they don’t accept law students in their company because not only do they cause a lot of trouble, (questioning the policies, I believe) law students also have this habit of quitting without notice, or they have attendance issues. If they accept us, they would only be allowing us to take half our usual loads. Wie and I were like… WTF. Nevermind.

So there.

Actually my brothers also told me that same thing. So I just “retouched” my résumé and made it look like I spent 7(?) years in college… wahahaha I don’t even remember what I put down in that résumé. Is this is a thing with call centers? Are they practicing discrimination against us law students?
Ay ewan…

oOo

I miss my friends. I miss the conversations that we share… ranging from politics, sex, our broken families, etc… basically everything under the sun.

I miss practicing my craft. I miss performing on stage. I love acting. The last role that I got to play was the grandmother in Anastasia. This play was the last one I got to participate in when I was still active in FEU’s theater guild. *sigh*

I miss my bed.

I miss kissing. ^_^ and no.. I don’t mean that in the horny way. Kissing another person is one of the best things in life. ^_^ compared to having sex… (sex is overrated by the way…) I’d rather be kissing another person for hours and hours… hahaha… in my opinion, kissing creates a better connection with another person. Maybe its because the proximity of the faces… its like you’re breathing in another person. Imbibing their presence… bringing them into you. Two halves of a whole… something to that sort.

oOo

I found a new love. ^_^ I have fallen in love with Ritz. They’re like a sosyal version of FITA. Hahahaha… and its like a way cheaper version of Combos. I love the cheese crackers of Ritz… *sigh*

I’m like adding that to my grocery list come payday. Yummy!

oOo

Hehehehehe… Lately, I’ve been trippin on mismatched socks. Today I came to work wearing one neon green sock and one hot pink sock. Nobody sees them anyway… anyway, while taking calls, I removed my sneakers and folded my leg under me. Then after the call, Boss Walter wanted to monitor me. So I stood up and meshed his wire jack onto my headset. Isa lang nasabi ni Boss Walter when he saw my socks... “Ibang klase ka talaga Jenn…” then he shook his head.

Teehee…

La lang…

(--;)

 
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