waxing poetics

I love you.

And not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. And it’s not because you’re unattainable.

I love you.

Very simple, very truly. You’re the epitome of every attribute and quality I’ve ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I can’t do this any longer. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended – but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it.

And if bringing it to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn’t allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I’ll accept that but I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who’s ever made me the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it’s there between you and me.

You can’t deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of you and what you’ve meant to me...

oOo

Christmas really sucks. Call me Ebeneezer Scrooge.. Bah Humbug

butterfly

this is John... my sweetie, he's so cute... aint he?

oOo

Have you ever tried chasing after butterflies? It's tough...if not virtually impossible.

Won't do anyone good to chase after something so elusive much less have a relationship with one. That reality has been constantly being rammed into my thick skull for the longest time. But alas there is something so very mesmerizing about butterflies so very intriguing yet so deadly.

It may be a magical experience but only for a limited time because butterflies tend to fly away without hesitation to their next destination. Hanging on to them is futile because you are just a stop over after all. The hurtful part of the experience is that you get left behind without a warning. One day you're up in the clouds the next day you're down on the ground and you never knew it coming.

I heard someone say that when you're heart takes a big blow and it gets torn into a million pieces, your heart grows back bigger than it was the first time. Maybe that's why I could feel no anger just a quiet acceptance and deeper understanding. Sure the tears are there but my feet is still firmly on the ground this time and i have a stronger resolve not to chase after butterflies...i keep my palm open this time. So go on and fly...you're free to fly...my butterfly.

I firmly believe that I am worth coming home to and build a home with...since you choose to fly away...then i guess you're not the one for me. Somewhere, someone, sometime i'll be found and i'll find the one for me. And that would be the happiest day of my life...no more chasing after butterflies.

oOo

i'm missing you already. even if youre still here. it really isnt meant to be. fly and be free butterfly...

schnu schnu

isnt she pretty? thats Share Bear from Care Bears. this pretty little thing is a gift from my wonderful wonderful bessy. She lifts my spirit up when im feeling down or feeling irate. She also smells like my Bessy so its kinda funny that i dont miss him even if i dont see him, coz its like he's with me anyway. I love her so much... she's purple! my fave color...

oOo

im kinda been in a mild state of bliss lately (even when im stressed) my friend john and i have been playing a little nookie. hahaha... i look forward to the end of each day coz he just drops by the apartment. haha. last night he was there, i had to cook dinner. made pasta for him. ^_^

he's dropping by later... wonder what we'll be doing *snicker*

gotta go.. more updates soon

you suck

click on the pic to see it better. `nuff said

A Loser: Major in D

"We have to meet other people to see what it's like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. if you come back to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely"

- SMS from ... Bie 11/07/06

oOo

you're thinking too damn much again.

don't think too much.

this is a process you have to go through. unfortunately, alone.

a song is playing, pero labas lang agad sa kabilang tenga. diyan ka naman magaling di ba? ang palampasin ang mga pagkakataon na sana'y magiging masaya ka.

that's okay.

move on.

need to keep going.

get busy.

nalalapit na ang araw na iyon, don't do anything stupid. anything na alam mo namang pagsisisihan mo from then on.

just to be on the safer side of things, do nothing at all. that is a big part of the moving on process.

just like this letter slash reminder slash whatever you call it. it's hard to move on i know pero kelangan. para na rin sa iyo. wag ka iiyak. you're strong di ba? thus, deep inside, you've got to be tough too.

don't feel bad for being the way you are. no more contradictions. masyado nang komplikado ang mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari sa utak mo. masisiraan ka lang ng ulo.

no more.

no more.

ayoko na... :'(

oOo

I

am

a

LOSER.

big time...

to my best

bessie ko,

salamat sa usap natin last saturday... grabe! pang MMK na naman ang mga eksena

i'm happy ayos na ang lahat sa atin dalawa.

eto na nga siguro yung closure na hinihintay natin pareho.

thank you kase naintindihan mo ko...thank you kase i know you'll be happy if i'm happy. thank you kase friends pa rin tayo after everything that has happened. dito lang ako...friends pa rin tayo. magkaiba man tayo ng mga pananaw sa buhay...dito pa rin ako para intindihin ka. charge to experience na lang lahat ng nangyare sa aten...lahat naman ng tao nagkakamali...ang importante, matuto sa pagkakamali at wag na ulitin pa.

kaya ikaw, sana natuto ka na. wag na magpaiyak pa ng iba ha...kung hinde... hehehe alam ko di madaling magbago, alam ko mahirap din i-convince ang mga tao na gusto mo na magbago...pero ganyan talaga...you have to suffer the consequences. kaya ang pinakamabuti sa lahat...wag ka na lang magsalita. ipakita mo na lang ang bagong ikaw. ok? basta dito lang ako...kalimutan na natin lahat ng nangyare...wala naman mabuti maidudulot kung magkikimkim tayo ng galet. magmove on na lang tayo at magstart ng bagong buhay. ingat ka lage...dito lang ako.

love,
bessy

hay naku

itinapon mo lahat para lang maisalba ang sarili mo. yan ba ang pagkakaibigan?

sana inisip mo ng maigi yung dahilan bat naging mas malapit siya sa amin kesa sa iyo. sana tiningnan mo ang sarili mo, mga pananaw mo sa buhay, mga ikinilos mo. alam mo yun, sana sinuri mo yung sitwasyon. di ka lang sana tumingin sa kung ano lang ang nasa harap mo.

at wag mong sabihin na hindi ka namin inintindi. ikaw mismo ang witness sa todo-todong tiwala't suporta na ibinigay namin sa iyo mula pa nung simula. kung nasasaktan, mas masakit sa amin. bakit? kasi ilang beses ka na naming binigyan ng chance para maayos ang lahat. hindi naman kami ang gumawa ng mga bagay-bagay na "ikinasira" mo.

IKAW mismo.

at wag mong idahilan na hindi mo alam kung ano ang nagawa mo. na hindi mo alam na nakakasakit ka na pala. na hindi mo alam kung anong posibleng maging epekto ng mga actions mo sa mga taong nakapaligid sa iyo. bakit? possessed ka ba nung mga panahong ginagawa mo yung mga bagay na yun? na after mong magawa't lahat sasabihin mo "hindi ko alam na ganun yung nagawa ko".

sa lahat ng bagay ba ang iniisip mo hanggat malulusutan ko eh gagawa't gagawa ako ng mga dahilan para pagkatakpan ang sarili at madiin ang ibang tao? nagkataon pa nung yung mga taong yun eh yung nag-cacare sa iyo, na kung ituring ka na eh parang tunay na kapatid. sana nga natuto ka na. sana nga alam mo ng pahalagahan kugn anong meron ka. sana nga makapagsimula ka na ulit at tuluyan mo ng maayos ang lahat.

dahil yung mga itinapon mo na, di na yun babalik pa sa iyo.

kahit gaano pa kasakit ang ginawa mo, hangad ko pa din na maging masaya ka.

pero hanggang dun na lang yun. wala ka ng aasahan pa mula sa akin. tapos na.

matututo din akong maging manhid...

Let Me

Let me cry,

allow the tears to cascade slowly down my cheeks,
as i shout my rage and pound my fists,
and grant me empty whispers and quiet tirade.
but please dont watch me, i am so ashamed...

Let my weep,

allow my sobs to echo noisily within this barren room,
grant me to seek refuge in my own sorrow.
sanctuary which i could never find in you.
give me the chance to savor each tear like vintage wine.

now Let me rest,

let me dry these tears with the cold night air,
allow me to lay my head upon the earthen floor,
to let me rest
a minute more
never to wake...

let me go,
in peace...

oOo

*sigh*

i just had a dream... one that felt so real... but when i woke up and realized that it was just a dream, i felt such a deep loss.

when i woke up i wanted that dream to be so real. i felt this ache in me that desperately wanted it to be true.

i cried after that dream... coz i know, it is one of the deepest most desperate desire of my heart... my life... one that i know will never come true.

dreams really are the manifestation of one's suppressed thoughts and feelings...

oOo

onto happier thoughts, i had nothing better to do in the office the past few days so i took some pictures of my new cutie. he remains unnamed... so temporarily he is known as Cutie. ^_^

Cutie is the new mascot for XBOX. *snicker* thats him taking in calls... isnt he just adorable?

this is the funny part, Cutie was caught surfing sites unrelated to XBOX so he was given a C.A. by our TM Walter... *snicke* (see picture below)

in the same day, Cutie was also given a commendation by one of the clients because of his great customer service and adorable voice. thats the reason why he has that XBOX 360 football stress reliever... awwww... ^_^ isnt he Cute?

till next time... watch out for Cutie's misadventures at NCO-RMH...

oOo

let me disappear into oblivion,
wher i can be at rest.

let me escape this world,
where i have never been a part.

i ahve never belonged anywhere,
though i have pretended to be for awhile.

but my mark is soon fading fast,
and i cannot anymore stand my ground.

nothing makes sense anymore
and nothing seems worthwhile.

so please let me close my eyes,
let me embrace this fading light.

soon things will be alright,
and at last, peace will be mine.

Search for my Happy Place (Day 3)

Funny how most people keep on saying that when theyre looking to something they always find it at the last place they look in.

well duh!

basically if you are looking for something and then you find it, do you still go look for it somewhere else?

i dont think so.

so whats my point here?

all im trying to sy is that i found my happy place and that happy place is me being with my friends.

while taking a bath earlier i had an epiphany... i am a happy person because i love interacting with people. specifically friends. im sad because i love my friends. but the bottomline here is that i cannot live without my friends because they make my life miserable yet happy at the same time.

i finally found my happy place.

my friends are MY happy place.

i realized that i was not happy because i worry about their problems and i really shouldnt.

i also realized that i am the one causing my misery. not them.

duh!

*snicker* im stupid that way...

anyway... yesterday i just won 2 tickets to the premiere of the movie "The Prestige." i sure hope that this movie is good.

i wonder who am going to take along to watch that movie...

Looking for my Happy Place (Day 1)

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happines in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." - Og Mandino

i am embarking on a journey to find my happy place and pick up the pieces of my fragmented self.

this past few weeks have been taking its toll on me. i have been spreading myself too thin and now im hanging on to my sanity by the tips of my fingernails. ive often wondered why whenever my friends would confide in me about their problems i would often end up being bothered about their problems as well.

im trying to find a coping mechanism for this weird glitch in my system. but since i havent found that yet, am suffering in silence.

whenever im depressed and bothered i would just go sleep it off. but lately i have been losing sleep and i havent been my usual effusive self. i also tried to go to my happy place, but it has been elusive to me as well.

i kinda figured out that the reason why im pretty depressed and disappointed is because i dont have time for myself anymore. i devote most of my time lately trying to resolve other people's issues (may it be my friends or clients)

so this is the solution that i came up with.

im eschewing all my friends for the moment and go find my happy place. i dont even want to think of which ball i need to drop, so im dropping all the balls that im juggling altogether.

now the main problem here is that i dont know how to go to my happy place. coffee and ciggies arent as effective as they used to be...

well day one for the search for my happy place has been going relatively well. im kinda happy that i was able to talk to my wonderful wonderful wonderful best friend Dodie. but im eschewing him as well for this soul search.

i miss myself. i miss smiling. i miss laughing. i miss my happy place.

End of Day Happy Place Search Result: one step closer to my happy place. Thanks Dodie. Love you so much Bes.

oOo

"Zen is the practice of moment by moment awareness... The past is done, the future is not yet here, neither of those two are real. Only the present matters" - Zen

down the drain

i feel pretty down.

im astounded why im affected but well... let me just wonder for awhile...

im disappointed as well.

i hate this feeling.

why the hell am i so affected about what other people do?

these are the times that i hate being an empath and i hate having friends.

this always happen.

whenever any of my friends would do something stupid/bad i feel bad as well. its like I was the one that did the deed.

bwakananginangshetpakurleche.

i really need a world class SWEAR WORD for this type of letdown. so that i can vent out...

i feel so let down.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

bite me

my drama queen persona has once again been trying to push herself up to the surface. as much as possible i try to keep her under the radar because I become this girly girl that keeps on ranting about everything that doesn't go MY way.

today Robbie called me up. I told him that P.B and I were going to hang out on Saturday night. I also told him that I might bring P.B as well to my Bessy's birthday shindig at this bar somewhere down South.

Robbie goes.. "okay. I won't 'not' allow you to go to the party and hang out with P.B. you're old enough to know what is right or wrong."

so I'm like.. "what the... what do you mean by "you're old enough to know what is right or wrong" ?'

Robbie: "you know what I mean by that."

Me: "Spell it out for me."

Robbie: "I find it inappropriate for a girl to spend time alone with another guy overnight. be it a boyfriend or a boy-friend."

Me: "...and I thought you knew ME..."

Robbie: "...and I thought YOU knew me..."

Me: "I do. I just don't appreciate the way that you delivered that line."

Robbie: "Kilala natin pareho si P.B. You both had a thing for each other when you were with Nathan and he was with Cheyenne. I'm not comfortable knowing that you're spending the night with him."

Me: : "I stay overnight at Howie's but you don't mind that. Double standards eh?"

Robbie: "You frustrate me so much. Howie and P.B are two different people. I don't need to explain further. YOU KNOW what I'm trying to point out here."

Me: "whatever..."

Robbie: "I hate it when you do that! I'm your bestfriend.. your BOYRFIEND... don't treat me like your little friends or your "kids". You frustrate me so much! You know what, I'm not sorry that you agreed to take our friendship to the next step, but I'm sorry that I've been expecting more from you now that you're my girlfriend. Maybe it was really wrong of me to push you into entering this relationship. Let's rethink this ok. So would you be ok if we sorta cooled things off?"

Me: "oh... sure."

oOo

The transcription above isn't verbatim but that's what I remembered from the conversation.

I didn't exactly think that Robbie breaking up with me would hurt, but it does! *sigh* why the hell do I do stupid things anyway... :'(

nothing really.

last sunday was my maternal grandfather's 30th death anniversary. so after church my mum and i went to visit. call me strange but i do enjoy visiting my gwakong's mausoleum because its very peaceful there.

on our way to the semetery, my mum was pretty worried because she didnt know if the mausoleum got hit bad. turns out, it came out unscathed. watermarks were the worst damages that appeared.

thats my gwakong, isnt he handsome? the lady on the left was his 2nd wife, while the lady on the right was his 1st wife. my gwama (maternal grandmother) was his third wife.

the blue background actually symbolizes the sky. you cant actually see the small chips of mirrors that are embedded in the wall, but they're there. its so pretty when you actually see it in person. its like the night sky with stars twinkling.

oOo

im uberly happy today because my friend Shelley gave me a new set of dishes... it actually came at the right time because i just bought myself a new set of cookware. arent the dishes that she gave me very pretty? the serving bowls, the dishes and the soup bowls are all in white... a pretty pretty matched set.

these are my new pots and pans... thats my bonsai cactus.. *snicker* looks sad doesn't it? im so excited to cook on my new cookware. i actually bought wooden spoons so that i wouldn't scratch off the TEFLON coating on the pans.

my new dishes!!!

oOo

just got back from the rec room, watched Matrix (Reloaded) with Bessy. while watching the movie, he was eating the salad that i bought for him. ^_^ he was insulted at every comment that i threw at the movie since according to him, Matrix is one of his all time favorites.. *snicker*

tres lame! kidding...

anyhoo, `nuff said... gotta log-in in 10 minutes. ^_^

EL.OW.ES.EEE.AR!!!

hope is such a cruel bitch...

I never did stand a chance did I?

I don't know how and why I got that idea anyway.

was it the way you looked at me? .. nah... I don't think so. I never did see myself in those damn beautiful eyes.

was it the way you treated me? ... I don't think so. you treated me in the same way you treat our friends. so no dice there slick.

was it the way you lit up when we meet each other? ...nah...not even... *insert derisive laugh here*

I tried my damndest to make you feel what I was feeling for you... manhid ka lang siguro talaga.

was it your smile? I love that goofy smile, with your funky teeth... reminds me of Stitch. but nah... you smile at everybody anyway...

*sigh*

I swear. you're like a bad habit. I'm going to quit you. starting NOW.

oOo

I never felt comfortable sharing my life with other people, its not because I don't trust them, Its just that its like airing you dirty linen in public...

but something changed today... maybe its because I was really really sick of the shiite that I'm going through, or maybe its just because I trust the person that I was talking to... for the second time in my life, I cried in public. (the first time was when Jazzy passed away)

my bessy and I went to the small park that is located at the side of the office. I talked my heart out and ended up crying. I didn't want to cry in the first place because it would actually smudge my make up... I still ended up crying anyway coz my bessy was hugging me and for the first time in a long time I felt safe and sincerely felt that I could lean on somebody and that they really cared about what I was saying.

after that brief crying jag, I felt super embarrassed. but I couldn't do anything about it coz I already bawled my brains out.

I swear... I'm not planning to do something like that again anytime soon. my embarrassment knew no bounds when I was crying last night.

whatever.

this sucks.

big time.

almost over you

i am reminded of you everytime it rains... i dont know why, but it does.

ever since you came into my life, i felt like im riding a rollercoaster. the ups and downs, the twists and turns...

today i kinda realized that im almost over you.

ive been thinking about what has been happening whenever we see each other.

i know, there are no spoken declarations that you like me as well. i guess i assumed too much. hahaha.. made an ass out of myself too.

so how did i come to the realization that im nearly over you...

im slowly but surely learning to accept that she might be the woman in your life... i hope she will be for keeps coz it actually saddens me to see when youre troubled. im just praying that she understands how special you are.

i would actually give my right arm and leg to have you in my life till we grow old and decrepit. but i have to be contented with the fact that yes, we might be together, but it will be as friends.
im slowly accepting this fact...

i love your brown eyes. maybe someday, id see myself in them again.

my take on love

Love is that fragile flower of most uncommon beauty. One which can never be found by purpose alone while wandering through life's gardens. But one whose color and fragrance is most pure and meaningful when discovered by accident while tending to the more mundane duties of the common man. A diamond (in the rough) found lying quietly amongst the broken glass of childhood's shattered windows.

To love another is the supreme sacrifice of self. For we must give freely and completely of ourselves to another, without reservation or condition. To give less serves only to hinder the growth of our evolution from self sustaining isolation to a greater joining of universal awareness. As children we love by instinct but it is a selfish love. One which results out of necessity, born of helpless reliance on others for survival. It is an innocent love, free of complicated psychosocial encumbrances or expectations. But it is a hungry love which takes much more than it gives in the beginning.

Initially a baby will smile out of some inner pleasure that is imperceptible to others. But very soon, it learns from our reactions to that smile that it possesses a power to influence its surroundings. By repetition and association the child discovers he can gain pleasurable sensations from external sources by the simple act of a smile. ^_^ The first seed of love is planted when we acknowledge the child's smile with our own outward expression of pleasure.

From that first moment of conscious realization the child understands that to be a recipient of these enticing pleasures he must give of himself. However, growing in close proximity to this freshly planted seed lies another, less tender sprout. A subtle, yet powerful comprehension of the inherent capacity for manipulation. Without being fully aware of it, the child can sense that his own selfish needs can be fulfilled wholly with only a tiny investment on his part. It is almost too easy. And the easiest lessons of life, though not without merit, demand so little of us that we are sometimes blind to the simple fact that we remain responsible for our actions towards other human beings.

So the child grows. As his needs and desires gain in both intensity and sophistication, he is dependent on his sparse inventory of experience to propel him safely through the deep and hazardous waters of interpersonal relationships. The lessons get harder and the price gets much higher to pay. A smile is no longer enough. A cute gesture is only that and nothing more. Love and acceptance by others is no less a necessity now than ever, but it is not so easily obtained. The obligatory and anticipated rewards for adorable behavior given us by our parents are not so readily found in those who have no genetic predisposition to love us. Familial love is but a pale precursor of the romantic love we seek in later years. But still we hunger for that warm contentment of shared compassion and longing for physical contact which can only be encountered when we are held tightly in the heart and soul of an object of our desires.

We set forth on our journey to love's gratification with only those sadly ineffectual tools we developed as children. Their purpose, long served, has outlived its usefulness. We search for nirvana unclothed and without protection from the harshness of the world in which it may or may not exist at all. By trial and many errors, we ruefully discern that the truest and most satisfying of emotional forces, that which we call love, often appears to be no more than a taunting mirage. An apparition of beauty which lies just beyond our seemingly limited reach. We strive and toil endlessly, enchanted by love's simple promise of a more complete and meaningful existence. A communal reality of two souls enjoined by identical and mutually fulfilling sentiment. Ahhh, such is the essence of wakeful dreams and conscious imaginings.

Love defies generalizations. Poets, philosophers, theologians, and countless others have ascribed their own theories and interpretations but often they still fall short of the goal of capturing the true nature of this unfathomable entity. The strength of love lies in its diversity. It possesses the unique ability to evolve, change, and permutate over the course of our lives. Just as we grow outwardly we must also grow inwardly. Our thoughts, realizations, and perceptions are given credence by our individual experiences on the separate paths we follow in our quest for love. And as love is an integral part of our inner selves, so it must grow and mature as well. It possesses the ability to adapt to its internal as well as its external environment. It not only changes as we change but it also ebbs and flows outwardly dependent on the receptivity of those to whom it is directed.

During certain periods of our lives love may seem to fade or even disappear entirely from our emotional palette. But once conceived it never truly ceases to exist. Love is the ultimate survivor. It has a will to live as strong as the will of its human container. If necessary, it may hibernate, withdraw like a turtle into its shell. When it is rebuffed or rejected by the harshness and cold complacency which can be so common in others, it folds in on itself until which time it again feels safe to venture out into a more nurturing environment. But it does not die.

We say we fall in love but it is a misnomer. We do not fall anywhere. We simply open our hearts and allow the love inside to project its energy towards the heart of another. If it is well received and properly tended, it creates a spiritual bond between the two hearts. However, love is an individualized emotion. It is a part of who we are and just as no two people share the exact same emotional make-up, neither can they share totally identical expressions of their love for one another. The beauty of a strong and viable relationship is seen when two souls meet and the colors of their love complement each other.

We are in love when we can find that fragile state of being where our individual love demands no more than the other person can give and when we can provide the necessary energies to allow them to be fulfilled as well. Love cares nothing for equality but it insists on balance. That balance is possible only when both people are satisfied that their own expectations and needs in a relationship are being adequately provided for.

The first step towards a failed love affair is taken when we begin to feel we are giving more of ourselves than is being rejuvenated by the influx of love from our partner *sigh*. That however, is not the fault of love but a sign that, in our own perception, we are not being compensated for our efforts. The next, and often fatal, step is when we decide to fall back on that old learned behavior of using the expression of our love as a manipulative tool to gain that which we most strongly desire. Love seeks only love, but egotistical aspects of our self image may interfere with our ability to recognize the quality and quantity of love being given to us.

It is our duty to our mate and our responsibility to ourselves to make clear the window to our souls. Love thrives on communication and tolerance. That which we desire and that which we can accept as a reasonable equivalent must be verbalized or otherwise made unmistakably apparent to our lover. Understanding and compromise are the banquets on which love feasts. And conversely, assumption and an unyielding insistence on prerequisites for our love are the sabers which will inevitably sever the emotional bond that love provides.

We are merely passengers on our ship of destiny and love is the compass that guides our journey through life. Whether it is love for another human being, a cherished goal, or a desire to find completeness and meaning to our lives bears little consequence on the necessity for following the course that love charts. Love cannot live comfortably in a vacuum. It must be allowed free reign and be given the opportunity to explore beyond the confining walls of self-protection which we construct as barriers to the ravages of life. It is the flagship of our soul and the purveyor of our most cherished dreams of a purposeful existence. Love we hide or hold back from others out of fear is love wasted. It is of no value to us when held inside but can increase in value a hundredfold when shared with another like minded individual or when directed towards a greater aspiration beyond our own selfish needs.

It has been often said, when attempting to offer explanation towards an otherwise unlikely pairing, that love is blind. In this context it is insinuated that love is lacking in one of the physical senses and is unable to discern the otherwise obvious imperfections which may be evident to those who proclaim to have a clearer view of reality. While this may bear some truth as to the tendency for love to ignore certain unseemly attributes which may be present in another, it does little to give credit to the truer vision of love itself. Love possesses no physical senses whatsoever. More so, it is an extension of the physical senses we are burdened with as human beings. Our distinct but individual views of reality are based on the input we receive from those physical senses. And those senses are often influenced by factors which lie beyond the reach of the senses themselves. A motion picture fools us into believing that we are seeing a seamless replay of events when in actuality we are seeing nothing more than a rapid series of frozen moments in time captured by the eye of the camera.

When we gaze at a beautiful red rose we see only the narrow spectrum of color which is reflected back at us but the entire spectrum of all the other colors are absorbed by and contained within that same rose. Invisible but still present. Ask a man, blind from birth, to describe a rainbow or a deaf person to sing along to a song on the radio. It is of course impossible for them to do so. However, ask those same people to speak to you of their perceptions of love and you may be amazed at how closely they coincide with your own. We, as human beings, can never fully comprehend the reality perceived by another individual. Therefore we must be careful in our judgments and in the conclusions we draw based on our own perceptions of reality.

Love's reality, like beauty, is held solely in the eyes of the beholder. And love's vision, if we must transpose a physical sense upon a non-physical entity, is crystal clear. It seeks that which coincides appropriately with its own desires. It is not foolproof, nor is it always accurate in striking close to the heart of its target. Nevertheless, it is an essential component of our soul's repertoire and must be given the autonomy it requires to seek out that which holds promise to provide the needed sustenance for its own growth.

Love never grows up, it only grows outward. It is the Peter Pan of emotional energies. While this may sound contradictory to the earlier statements, it is in fact, completely harmonious. Our own emotional needs and requirements may change and grow but love simply adapts to the new environment. Love learns from our experiences but its essential characteristics remain unchanged. Love retains its childlike innocence and hopeful faith throughout our lives. It is the driving force of our dreams and our soul's unending search for contentment and serenity within the framework of our singular reality.

There is no force or presence on earth so sublime as that which is derived from the uninhibited expression of love for another human being. When that love is returned in kind, when two souls join hands in the complete and undeniable bond of mutual compassion and reverence, then and only then can we humans ever expect to sample the fruits of nirvana. No truer ideals can exist for mankind beyond this seemingly unattainable connection of love unbound. But it is within our nature to achieve the impossible and it is not beyond the limits of love's desire to seek the solace of total immersion within the heart of those we believe to be capable of such ecstatic heights of emotion.

We are more often left wanting, unfulfilled and incomplete, in our usual interactions with the vast majority of those we meet in our lives. But that takes nothing away from love's dream of compassionate surrender to the possibilities for the future. And therein lies the instinct for love's survival, and perhaps our own. It presents itself as a determination to force us through the frailties and foibles of mortal existence. Obligating us to maintain an uncompromising optimism towards the realization of spiritual completeness that may lie dormant but aware in the souls of others we encounter along the way.

And if perchance, like emotional radar, our love detects that long sought coherence in the countenance of another heart's desire, our will becomes nothing more than a candle in the wind of destiny's storm. Love, enraptured by the covenant of its own reality, bursts forth with renewed direction and purpose. Senses overwhelmed, our mortal lives become nothing more than a superficial shell of awareness as love has its way with our heart. To deny the event is folly. To question the source is pointless. To attempt to contain the emotion is senseless. It is we who are blind, love sees clearly and must follow its course to the end. For there can be no greater achievement in our lives than to allow the essence of our heart to find meaning and purpose in the heart of another.

oOo

*sigh* long winded post huh? we didnt have much to do anyway... *sigh*

i feel like a dork while posting this...

old home week...

its 2am and im still up. am actually doing my laundry. the neighbors think im doing drugs... but i dont give a flying fluff about it. *snicker* (i mean... i understand where they're actually coming from since it IS 2am and somebody on this floor is doing their laundry.. its weird right... the buzzing sound from the washing machine MAY be disturbingly loud in the silence of the early morning... but who cares...)

oh well, the main reason why im still up at this ungodly hour is because it is my rest day and im chock full of caffeine right now. im supposed to be at work right now.. but i just CAME from work and my rest day schedule changed without prior notice.. so there you go... i went to the office on my day off... so i had to go back home. *sheesh*

well i was going to the office anyway since i wanted to meet up with my bessy. ^_^ who by the way is still cute... (see picture below) *snicker*



by the way, today, i actually found out that i do not know how to cook pancakes... hahahahah...

coz yesterday, i went to the grocery and while shopping, i saw this pillsbury easy cook pancake batter... (chocolate pancakes, fyi) so i decided to try it out.

kanina, since i was so lazy to cook a proper dinner i decided to cook the choco pancakes to see how they would taste like.

hehehehe... cooking those pancakes was a major DISASTER... they tasted fine.. (i mean i liked it... bessy liked it DAW *snicker* *snicker* *snicker*) but it looked liked dogfood! hahahah there is no presentation value whatsoever! it looked like burnt scrambled eggs (chunky scrambled eggs for that matter)

i know that im a good cook coz i cook pasta just fine... bragging aside, whenever i would cook pasta for my friends... i never heard a single complaint about taste and presentation. but gawd... i thought cooking pancakes would be easy. boy... was i ever wrong...

sabagay, i never could fry anything worth a damn. i actually ruined a teflon pan once. imagine... a TEFLON pan... coz i tried to cook spam for breakfast once... i never did it again... hahahahha... whatever... i guess the self given CCA approval must be revoked...

oOo

this past two weeks have been a little weird for me. last weekend i got to spend time with Robbie, and this weekend, (surprise! surprise!) Ran was here. well he was actually here on a business trip... but he went to Church earlier and we got to have lunch (ok.. business lunch/meeting)

Ran was proposing that we meet up with people from MIMOSA to do a joint project regarding a golf course... (details on this cannot be posted.. hehehe for security purposes and i might jinx it.. i'll just post it IF the project gets approved)

meeting up with old "friends" made think... is this old home week or what? *snciker* is somebody up there playing with me? im just actually waiting for the other shoe to drop. (offtopic: i love the way my keyboard sounds when i type on it... dunno.. its really addicting. i type so fast when im using this keyboard... maybe im getting high on the katol thats under my pc table... *snicker*)

oOo

how do you think? if you ask me... i think in English.. i dunno, is it weird? i havent posed this question yet to my friends... but me whenever im alone or daydreaming... or even having a conversation/argument in my head.. it actually runs in English... (does that make me conyo?)

oOo

you may now be thinking... how does one have an argument/conversation inside their own head... must a person have multiple personalities inside them? or are they just plain nucking futz?

i live alone so most of the time i dont have people to talk to.. so i talk to myself in my head. when im in a jeep, and i see something/someone weird/strange i think about it in english...

i find it normal having an argument/conversation inside my head... i mean, when i dont get to talk to my bessy about certain things... i try to think the way he thinks and debate on my issue. then when i see him, i tell him about my problem and see what he says... and if it matches the one that i had in my head... *snicker* weird right?

sometimes i also have these conversations in my head to express the things that i want to say but tend to forget when that person is around... (which between me and Dodie... we tend to forget a lot of things... wehehehehe...)

take for example... this is one of the conversations that i was having in my head last Friday...

Me: have i ever told you how much i appreciate having you as a friend...
Bessy: yep...

Me: thats cool... anyways, just in case i forget to tell you... remind me...
Bessy: *insert funny grin here*

Bessy: well have i ever told you how much i appreciate having you as a friend?
Me: yep, everytime you smile bessy... every time you smile.. ^_^

oOo

it actually makes sense in my head. i tend to forget things... mostly showing people how much i appreciate them or saying thank you.. or just plain forgetting about details...

but having these conversations in my ehad with my friends make me feel better because even in this small (weird...) way, i get to express how much i value the people i have in my life.

i actually BELIEVE that it is a privilege that they are inside my head coz i feel that if they are in my head, i understand them well enough to know how they feel/think about me.. so i know how the flow of the conversation would run... ( yeahyeahyeah.. i KNOW its weird.)

oOo

since we're on that tangent anyway... i actually find it odd that i write ALMOST everything that happens to me in my journal.. (my blog is an edited version of my journal) but there are still several things that i cant write down or even dont try to think about.

is it because im too scared that if i actually write it down or type it, it concretizes it? i dunno.. maybe. im trying to avoid the issue here.. hehehehe... but more often than not i actually think that im scared.

am i making sense?

does this mean i havent shown people who i really am?

or does this mean that im scared that people would actually reject me if they find out how i really think about them?

or does this just simply mean that i think too much?

it reminds me of what hornyboy Engr. Pogi Paulo told me once... "the more you analyze things, the farther you get from the truth..." maybe he is right...

i need to ponder about this..

what say you?

oOo

btw, just want to rant about this. im not emulating TIN to get you. gawd. how self centered can you be?!

i know i said i feel something for you... pero with what you said... yuck. yeah. i still have feelings for you ... pero NEVER compare me to that person. NEVER. else it ends here. GAWD!!!

de.stressed?

Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone

Lost out in the desert
you are lost out in the desert

But to stand with you in a ring of fire
I'll forget the days gone by
I'll protect your body and guard your soul
From mirages in your sight

Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes,
I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara

If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up and be your way out
And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders
With veils of silk and gold
When the shadows come and darken your heart
Leaving you with regrets so cold

Lost out in the desert
If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes,
I'll pray the skies abovefor snow to fall on the Sahara

If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up and be your way out
And if we burn away,
I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara

oOo

i am so tired right now. last saturday, i felt lonely... i didnt know why... (i still dont know why) so what i did was, i kidnapped some of my friends and took them to my granmum's rest house. The first stop was Caca & Charice... then after picking them up, we went over to Joma's place. We waited for some of the people that wanted to join.

A lovely lovely surprise was given to me. Eukli arrived with Robbie! i was sooooo happy.. when Eukli came in he was like... "Jenn, i have a surprise for you.." i was actually upstairs in Joma's room when Eukli arrived.

When i went to the foyer, i saw Jezreel putting down her bag... then Robbie comes in with this huuggeee smile... I wasnt able to stop myself from screaming! *snicker* It was a wonderful shock.. then came Monric...

since it seemed like everybody was all accounted for, off we went.

when we arrived, everybody was so happy because the weather was perfect. sunny but not that hot. it was just right for getting a tan.

after eating lunch, everybody changed into their swim wear and played in the pool. i on the other hand went over to the kubo that was near the end of the lot... did my muni-muni moment...

that night, they played gay lotto. it was actually super funny... but my head started to hurt, so i went down to the girls quarters and slept.

i believe that they all went to sleep at 3am...

i woke up at 8am and wandered around the premises, had my 1st stick and morning coffee...

they woke up at around 2pm and had a late lunch and then after everything else, we packed our bags and off we went back to Manila.

Bie and me... he's soooo cute aint he?

Bie again...

Charice and me...

Charice, Nissi and me.

The pretties... (L-R)

Caca, Charice, me and Jezreel

Monric and me...

Joma Baby and Angel Eukli

Monric habang kinakarir ang Magic Sing...

Joma Baby...

Familia Zaragosa *snicker* (this is the kubo)

Good morning!

Thats me, Bie, and Jezreel... just woke up...

In my granmum's Chapel

Pool area...

oh happy day

its actually funny... today we basically didnt have much to do because we were experienceing tool issues. CAP went down at around 12mn. so when my shift started, we just had to deliver the downtime spiels and yes.. delivering that spiel takes no effort whatsoever.

since we had nothing much to do (again) i logged in to meebo and signed in to my token msn account.

lo and behold.. E was also logged in.

as i was about to click on him, a call came in.

in the middle of the call a toast popped up... (FYI: a toast is the square thingie that pops up whenever a friend would go online or send you a message) it was E!!

i basically finished the call in 3 minutes.. so i was able to talk to E..

we spent the entire shift talking to each other, only stopping when we had to take in calls.. *snicker*

E is hella nice.. its also kinda cool that we belong to the same company.. actually we belong to the same account. ^_^

*sigh*

so near yet so far.

i kinda miss his voice you know... we werent doing any transfers to Tier 2 today coz of the downtime... but its still ok... we got to talk on meebo for almost 7 hours..

^_^

so there...

oOo

e.sakara

*sigh*

e. sakara

*sigh*

thanks for inspiring me to go to work everyday.

*sigh*

i swear.. you make my day bright. talk to you soon...

Lovely Weekend

i am sooooo happy right now. i had a lovely lovely weekend.

last friday, i slept at 9pm and woke up at 9am saturday. ^_^ i had the most wonderful sleep... when i woke up i felt so refreshed.

this is my bed... with all its accoutrements... the bear is 19 yrs old. ive had that bear since i was a kid... thats the reason why Bubba bear has only one eye left... he's getting old. *snicker* the baby in red is Tesa ^_^ she was a gift from my dad... according to him, i look like that doll daw. so he bought it for me... its kinda funny actually coz ive been trying to look for another baby like her..but i cant seem to find one. the little boy's name is Chuckie. coz he looks like the Child's Play doll Chuckie... ^_^

i have a LOT of pillows... and the funny thing here is that when i wake up all my pillows would be on the floor... ^_^

this is what i looked like when i woke up last Saturday... i look so happy dont i? ^_^ i havent brushed my teeth yet...

nway, i had to wake up a little early because i went to Galleria to look for a gureat gift for my bessy... i was debating on whether to get him a Kobe Bryant jersey or a basketball. i am absolutely clueless about them sports gear... ^_^

its kinda funny actually, coz i went to Galleria to find a gift for my bessy and to meet up with some friends at EDSA Shrine... and in the middle of the day, my bessy sends me a message if i would like to accompany him to his aunts house in Cainta...

i wasnt doing anything productive anyway so i agreed to accompany him. its cool that i got to meet some of his family. (oh yeah btw, im happy that i FINALLY met Ian in person)

after the visit to his aunt, bessy and me went back to Galleria to have dinner...

thats my bessy playing this game at the arcade last Saturday. isnt he cute? ^_^ my bogchito bessy looks like a big kid doesnt he?

another reason why i had a lovely lovely weekend is because i was able to spend QUALITY time with my bessy. im sorta relieved now coz he understands my quirks about food. lets just say that i have a delicate constitution... and its not that i dont trust the food that i dont cook, i just dont want to chance it (specially when am not home) coz i dont want to have a STATE OF THE NATION EMERGENCY... *snicker*

oh well... when bessy went home, i went back to EDSA Shrine and met up with Charice, Caca and Mahaze. After the concert at EDSA Shrine, we went to Gloria Jeans to have coffee and talk.

i got home at around 2am since there was so much rain and Espana was flooded.

*sigh*

oOo

im feeling a little sad right now coz i had coffee with Carlo earlier and we had THE TALK.

According to him, one of the reason why he BELIEVES he cant commit to me because i am too much of a drama queen for him. he never did understand why i loved the highs and lows of my life. i love the passion and drama that i experience and encounter in my daily life.

he says he couldnt understand why i loved making a big deal out of everything. why i laugh so loud and cry so hard.

he also said that i tire him out. he says that i talk a lot. he says that im such a weird puzzle that he tried to solve. its like there are days that i am so grounded, but according to him most of the time im so way up there in the clouds... *sigh*

i actually dont understand what he is talking about. he describes me like im a fluffy airhead...

but im not.

i know im not...

what say you?

Lifted

Due to my very very LIGHT work load, i have done nothing but read other people's blog. Yesterday, i was able to find the blog of one of my favorite writer/cartoonist... Scott Adams... here are some of his posts that i found absolutely HILARIOUS... im sharing this to you guys... ^_^

oh before you read on, i just want to post about me first...

anyway, a funny thing happened yesterday on my way home. i didnt know that the jeep that i was riding also moonlighted as a fumigation truck.. hahahaha...

we were stuck in traffic at Quezon Avenue (duh.. as if nawala yung traffic dun) when the jeepney driver started to rev his engine up. the jeep's engine being a relic from the past it started spewing out thick black smoke and since we (the jeeps location) was downwind, the exhaust fume that the jeep's tailpipe was producing went into the jeep.

like mosquitoes, some of the passengers of the jeep started to convulse and pass out. (ok so i exaggerate! hehehehe...) but it seemed like it was like that coz everyone was coughing in the jeep... including me. and i SMOKE... :lol:

when i got home my mum and uncle gus were there... so basically i wasnt able to catch enough zzz's... im a little groggy now.

so there...

btw, here are Scott Adam's posts...

oOo

Olympic Swearing

I realize I’m supposed to be watching the Olympics and thinking about the wonderful achievements of those hard-working athletes. I should be enjoying their glorious victories. But I’m not. Apparently I am defective.

All I see are the losers – because there are so many – who spent their entire lives preparing for this moment, only to fall on their asses in front of a billion people. I think if I spent my entire life preparing for the Olympics, at the expense of developing any marketable job skills, and then because of a shoelace failure I took a digger on live TV and came in last, no curse words would be sufficient. “Dang it” doesn’t seem to cover that situation. Nor does geez, shoot, crud, or h-e-double-toothpicks.

That’s why I think cursing should be an Olympic sport. We need world-class swear words that are up to the challenge of world-class defeat. We need entirely new swear words that have never before been uttered. I suggest phujackshiksukitalltohell. It would be reserved exclusively for Olympic losers. And it would sound nasty with almost every accent except Norwegian. (If you don’t believe me, try describing any tragic event with a Norwegian accent and see if it doesn’t make you laugh.)

oOo

Silent H

If you want to see a lot of people go nuts, try moving the silent h in the word Gandhi when you post in your blog. I’ve done it twice now by spelling Gandhi as Ghandi.

So while I was literally trying to end all war and terrorism on Earth, dozens of readers went nuts because I put a silent h in the wrong place. I deleted most of those comments but you know who you are.

Apparently many of you are not aware of the rule of the silent h. A silent h can be put anywhere you want, precisely because it is silent. So for example, it is equally proper to spell it Gandih, Gahndi, hGandi and even Gandhhhhhhhi.

The silent h is very flexible. When I’m talking, I’ll toss in a silent h every third syllable, and no one seems to mind. I’m not trying to show off by doing it. I just like the way it doesn’t sound. Little known fact: The original name for the stealth bomber was Hhhhhhh, where every h but the fourth one is silent.

Perhaps you haven’t heard the story of how h came to be silent. In Viking days, not only was the h totally noisy, but the Norsemen used them in practically every word. This caused a lot of confusion. The most common phrase in Viking became “Whhaht? I cahn’t hunhderstand! Get the h out!”

But it all came to a head one day when Eric the Artistic carved a wooden chair out of a tree stump and was showing it off to friends. That’s when Allen the Insensitive said, “Nice Chairh, hEric. I thinkh I’ll shit on it.”

Well, the next thing you know, swords are drawn and limbs are flying. And that was the day that the Vikings decided to stop talking in English and go discover the United States, which they called America.

oOo

There have been a lot of funny comments to my posts. My favorite so far is from Guy, in response to my question of whether Santa or Jesus would win in a fight:

"And as for Santa and Jesus, the answer is Jesus. Because he can walk on water he could drag Santa to the middle of a lake and hold him under while he stayed pleasantly dry. Now if you were to include the nine reindeer and twelve apostles then the fight might get more interesting."

oOo

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