Mea Culpa

SHOUTOUT: I would like to greet Gel, Dodie, Roy and Jaja a HAPPY MONTHSARY! Gosh… its been a month already? *teehee* Time does fly when you’re having fun. I am blessed to have you guys in my life.

DISCLAIMER: my muse eludes me, so the disorganized product that you MIGHT be reading here shouldn’t be subject to criticism.

Im still on the tangent of quitting someone… DUH im such a hypocrite. I absolutely detest quitters yet here I am trying to convince myself that I need to quit someone… double duh.

So how do you go on quitting somebody?

Do you suddenly disappear?
Do you say goodbye?
Do you send a thank you card? A gift basket?

Who do you blame?
Yourself?
The other person?

Yourself mostly… I guess…

I mean, I could’ve prevented this whole fiasco in the first place…

But did i?

NO!

I could’ve chose not to _______________.

But I did.

How stupid is that?

So again…

Who do you blame?

Keeping promises.

I said I would stay.

And that’s what I should do.

They need me.

Always?

Maybe.

Quitting and saying goodbye are two different things.

It’s a hard lesson.

One that I do not care nor wish to repeat.

Falling down is hard on the knees.

How stupid can I be???

Im only human.

Sorry for being weak.

oOo

this has been a long day… and its just going to be a little longer.

On my way home from work I almost got run over by a bus. Yep… I was so dazed I didn’t even notice the bus rushing towards me. HAHAHAHA… the bus driver shouted at me… “Putangina… Wag ka ngang tatanga-tanga sa kalye.”

A wake up call?

Maybe death IS an option.

But I digress…

I don’t know where I am right now. I don’t know whether im coming or going.

I repeat.

Im such a hypocrite.

Like Ive said, I hate quitters, maybe its because I see that in me, maybe that’s the reason why there are a lot of people who are disappointed in me.

According to my bes, it seems that I am a magnet for lost souls. Its true, coz it takes one to know one.

It hurts when people say that iam TOO nice. Can somebody be TOO nice? Coz for me I just think that its my duty as a Christian to help my fellow brothers and sisters.

Christians as defined by pop culture are the goody two shoes of the world. Makes me rethink my status as a Christian. I smoke, I drink, I cuss and I engage(d) in pre marital sex.

Hypocrite.

I think the reason why I love helping other people out is because I love the feeling of being appreciated. According to my mom, it’s the other way around. I tend to help people out because I love the feeling of being needed. I don’t get that. Can someone please explain this to me? Maybe it IS true. Im just too dense or stupid to get it.

I help people out coz it makes me forget my own problems. Their problems make mine look wishy washy. No im not on the my life is suckier than your life jag… its simply how I feel.

Now im running away from someone who truly needs my help. My Bes.

I SMSed him that I felt like reneging on my promise. He got mad.

Now my bes is a guy that really has A problem. Not those teenybopper-bubblegum-drama queen/king boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios.

And it hit me… What right do I have to give advice or help this person out when I myself am PRETTY FUCKIN MESSED UP!

So I cried in class.

Pathetic.

I SMSed Gel and told her that I need to get away from the friendship for the moment. She cried too.

Makes me think and it scared me…

These people THINK/BELIEVE that I make a difference in their lives…

How can they say that… MY life is super messed up. My heart aches coz I cant even keep my family together.

Which brings me again to the point…

What RIGHT do I have to help other people clean their backyard, when I cant even keep mine clean?

HYPOCRISY.

So I run away.

And once again… I have disappointed someone.

Sorry Bes. I hope you can understand. Im just soo not used to talking to people about my problems. Im supposed to be the STRONG one. Its hard for me to let my guard down.

I am sad coz I call several people my bestfriends… but they “diss” me… not in a bad way… basta its hard to explain… and the only person who calls me that… ive let down…

The prospect of death or my impending doom doesn’t seem so cheesy after all.

Mea Culpa.