Facts of Life

In my 23 years here on earth… I guess I have picked up several things… let me tell you what they are:

"You can't always get what you want"
So, when life throws you lemons..... slice 'em up and have tequila shots! Whooohooooo!!!!!!!!

Be good, and you will be lonely.

There's always a lot of hype involved in things. You're bound to get disappointed one way or another.

Double standards exist.

No matter how you wanted it and no matter how hard you try to have it, if it's not meant for you, it will never be yours...

Good things never last!

Isn’t it funny how remembering sad things of the past make us laugh?

Isn’t it sad how remembering happy moments gone by make us cry?

To hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of, you just have to face that fact that while some good things never last... some don't even start..

Once trust is broken, it can never be restored to the way it was before ... no matter how much you try to make amends

Life is not a walk in the park - it's a jungle out there.

One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead.

No matter how bad your heart is broken. the world doesn't stop for your grief..

Incoherent Ramblings

Disclaimer: all the things posted on this blog’s edition are purely speculation and is not really meant to be taken seriously. These are just random thoughts that the writer picked up from her cluttered mind.

The Guessing game continues…

Last on… Jeanne’s Mind:

The other day, I was thinking about how goofy I have been feeling… I thought I was in love. I was reading way too much in the situation that I am in. I guess I’m just excited at the thought that there’s this guy who was interested in me. Yeah… he was interested alright; he was interested in just being friends.

I mean how stupid can I BE?? Am I really that desperate? Or am I just deathly afraid of being lonely?? I talked to him a lil while ago. He didn’t say it outright, but reading between the lines I guess what he was trying to say is that he enjoys my company but he doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend. Nothing new there… been there, done that, and yes… I have the t-shirt to prove it.

Yesterday, after much ponderous thought processing which was facilitated by my friend Gian, I came to the realization that we (my ‘prospect’, the guy that I’ve been talking about these past few days) are really just destined to be friends.

Upon further evaluation, I believe that I have become a cumbersome load upon his entity. Even if he tells me that I am not a bother or even if he bears with my incessant chatter in the most nonchalant manner… I have this funny feeling that he is just humoring me… and is not really listening…

My parental units are even wondering why I have been pretty dim (not stupid... but in the sense that I wasn’t as bubbly as my norm dictates) lately. My mum even thought that I was having my period… (jeez…)

And Now…

Just got off a conversation with him. He was pretty polite. Once again, he seemed a little pre-occupied (busy with work I guess). I’m feeling kinda stupid coz I know I shouldn’t expect him to focus his undivided attention on me, but I wanted him to. I kept up the inane/incessant chatter just for him to get to focus those gorgeous eyes on me… to no avail. *sigh*

If Gian were here to see this, I bet he’d bop my brains out and feed it to the stupid drainage system.

Go figure…

Bathroom Epiphany

Yesterday, after much preoccupation with my feelings of being in love... I decided to talk to my friend Gian... I felt that I had a need for a dose of reality... he was the pragmatist between us... while I, I was the spectacularly idiotic, quixotic and romantic little twit. Prior to the conversation, I thought that our ideas on finding the perfect mate would clash... or so I thought...
Here are some snippets of our (not so pre-occupied, semi-intelligible) conversation:
Jeanne: (to Gian) how do you know if you like the girl?
Gian: me I would like a girl if I would completely know everything about her. then weigh-in every factor... but initially physical attraction must step in, although in the end its the entire package naman
Jeanne: define... everything...
Gian: her perspective in life, and how she would compliment my life in terms of my own goals and dreams and more importantly how she can be an inspiration to me in terms of self-confidence, again perspective in life..
Jeanne: wow... *blown away*
Gian: hahahaha
Jeanne: since you mentioned perspective in life... what is YOUR perspective in life?
Gian: wow, that's a question...I believe, its setting out what your destined to fulfill by God. That's a working progress though...I mean we each have a very unique purpose why we are given life.
At this point of the conversation... I felt pretty stupid and superficial. Gian may only be 3 years older than me, but he was light-years older than me in maturity and perspective. I felt like I was a little girl trying to act all mature in front of grownups.
Then... Mother Nature called. I decided to heed her call and visited the THRONEroom.
While seated upon the throne... I pondered upon what my friend just told me... I realized that no matter how hard he tells me that all the romanticism in his soul is dead, there still is a part of him that is yearning to once again feel that cornball feeling. I mean how poetic can you be? If his answers weren’t as romantic as I thought they were... I’d off myself right now.
Second, even though he keeps on telling me that he is now eternally jaded (and a tad bit cynical) and only another person as jaded as he is would be able to understand his off the cuff marks... I could sense that he was trying to make me understand that getting hurt pretty bad by another person gives one thoughts/feelings like what he has... BUT on the other hand... I could also sense that the reason why he still lets me pester him is because a room closed off for awhile gets stale... so he lets fresh air in...
Last but not the least:
I have found another person who has ideals like mine... sad to say, I believe that were just meant to be friends, no more... no less.
I do not really object to that thought, c’mon, look at me and howie, we’ve been best friends for like 5 years now... pero here it goes again... always the bridesmaid.. but never the bride (NO... I don’t want to get married (YET) but this is just an analogy)...
oh well... it’s like what they say...
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.

Cogito Ergo Sum

cogito ergo sum = i think therefore i am
does it follow that if i think im inlove... IAM in love?
i dont know... maybe im just living in the moment so much OR its just wishful thinking on my part.
i lost you there didnt i?
let me backtrack...
i got introduced to this extremely wonderful guy last week.. (or 2? im bad with dates) anyway, we got to talking... and i found him endearing (adorable is such an immature term) we showed each other our respective battle scars (yes.. if you must, we swapped stories about our miserable exes...) talked on the phone for hours, watched flicks and communicate through SMS in a very regular manner.
im really confused.. maybe nga it IS wishful thinking.. or im just reading too much into what is happening. oh well...
he is nice.
he has already established himself in his field.
we have the same vices...(dont ask ahahaha)
i like talking to him.. (talino nya grabe)
what else?
i dont know..
all i know is that i have a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime i see him (and no.. i dont need antacids.) and i have the perma-smile thing going on when he's around, making me look like im auditioning for a toothpaste commercial.
i wont expound on his physical characteristics coz he might be reading this blog and he might figure out that he's the one im talking about.
basta.. all i feel/know is that he is wonderful. he has this endearing way of looking soo preoccupied.. i just want to tousle his hair and give him a hug. his glasses are smudged and he doesnt seem to see it. his voice is baritone... hahahah
so there..

Balm to my Heart and Soul

"Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us"
"You can always tell a real friend; when you've made a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job."
.-=***=-..-=***=-.


Best friends do really know the right thing to say at the exact moment that you need it...
I love You for that Wie... i think you and I are one soul in Two bodies. thank you for being the balm to my battered heart and soul.
While we were at GIlligans... you told me the thing that i needed to hear at the exact moment that i needed to hear it. You were the answer to my prayer for wisdom and guidance. You seem to be there for me at the time that i need you the most... THANK YOU.
We are both survivors in this harsh world... Our hearts have been broken... Our minds have been messed with, yet at the point that we shatter... we both see the other picking the pieces of our broken selves. You to me.. and Me to You.
I love you Howie... without the complexities of a boy/girl/man/woman relationship.. for what we have is the best... an enduring Friendship.
Together, we have gone through the HIGHS and LOWS of life, most of the time, this is what breaks the strongest friendships... yet we remain...
Thank you... for seeing me at my worst and accepting me for who i am.
Thank You for the wonderful times that we've spent together.
Thank you for being me... in another body.
Thank you for being you... in me.
Thank you...
I love you Wie... (--,)

By the River Piedra I sat down and Wept.. An Excerpt

By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everthing that falls in the water of this river - leaves, insects, the feathers of birds - is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept.The winter air chills the tears on my cheeks, and my tears fall into the cold waters that course past me. . Somewhere this river joins another, then another, until - far from my heart and sight - all of them merge with the sea.May my tears run just as far that my love might never know that one day I cried for him. May my tears run just as far, that I might forget the river piedra, the monastary, the church in the Pyrenees, the mists, and the paths we walked together. I shall forget the roads, the mountains, and the field of dreams - the dreams that will never come true...

The sound of one heart breaking

Ever come across this zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books? You know, the one that asks what is the sound of one hand clapping. I don't know the answer to that one. But ask me what's the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer. Welcome to the dark side of love. What is the sound of one heart breaking? It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you. It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it's the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door. It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love. The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut. The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with. Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

Broken

Broken and battered. Lost souls scattered. Angels with broken wings. Lie half dead. Immortal entities sing. Of eteernal damnation. Of lost creation.
Love, lust. Life is unjust. Souls turn to Rubies. Singing, sighing, crying, dying. Screaming. Let me GO. Let me GO. Sighing, crying, dying. Voices thrown, dying in the wind.
Hoping to be met halfway. THere is no way.
Burning. YEarning. Hoping. ENding.
Gone.
Tears burning. Falling tears of Ice. Winter's sigh as white as light. Snow that burns the eyes. Searing the mind. Forever lost. Forever GOne.
Bound in eternity.
Lost in Time.

Envy

My friend Aladdin is at home with tonsilitis. Silly thing to have when youre in college. THis morning while doing the dishes, i had a moment of envy. for what? for Aladdin. not becuase he's at home sick, but because he is inlove.
I keep wondering why all my guy friends seem to be the perfect boyfriends, yet i do not have the "perfect" one myself. let me first define what i mean by perfect. caring, thoughtful, sweet, makes an effort, articulate, funny and touchy feely.
its also sad to be counted as "one of the guys" i envy those girls out there. being courted by guys, being flattered, feeling beautiful. i know that what im asking for is such a shallow thing.. yet like what is said: we always want something that we do not have.
call me shallow. i have my moments.

An Excerpt on an Essay on Fat Women...

an essay by Matthew Spong on Fat Women
Fat women! Gimme fat women! Gimme plenty fat women! Fat women are the best.
Fat women are my choice. Fat women are more for your money, economy size. Fat women are too much of a good thing. Fat women are nourishing, they are the tastiest of cheese! Fat women are the very essence of female, Fat women are the Venus of Wilendorf code inside your head that makes you chase after breasts and thighs and curvy hips and makes your dick go dong! when you see a centerfold, when your brain compares what you see in the girly mags with the Ideal Female, that Ideal is a fat woman.
Fat women are HORNY, they DESIRE, they WANT, they CONSUME, they follow their needs to their logical conclusion and then press on with the unstoppable inertia of a sherman tank. Fat women are strong, their soft rounded limbs conceal thick pulsing muscles that can contract with the slow crushing force of sleepy boa constrictors or the unspeakable speed of a slamming safe door! Fat women move fridges, they can push cars along with their bellies, I have seen with my own eyes fat women load bales of hay into flatbed trucks like thin waifs tossing diet cola into supermarket trolleys. Fat women have REAL breasts, their boobs have WEIGHT, they move around when they walk, no joggers tiny grapefruit could ever jiggle so enticingly as a fat womans DUGS do when she walks by. Fat women are SCARY, like women ought to be, which is why the mere thought of having sex with a fat women is enough to get any group of red blooded American males going "Euugh, gross!", which is their way of DENYING their FEAR of being SWALLOWED WHOLE by the all-encompassing salty folds of their flesh, because they know their puny weiners would never be up to the task of navigating the outer defenses to reach that ultimate goal that drives us on.
Fat women are the earth, they are sunlight on grassy hills, they are deep forested valleys, they are all that is bounteous and good about life, they are the plenitude and the harvest, the fruit of the vine, the continents and oceans, the moon on waves, sand dunes shifting under a breeze, trees shaking in strong wind. Our society is sick and perverse for turning away from fat women in preference for puny stick-like models and actresses. This is a symptom of our DEATH culture, for we romance the very symptoms of disease and famine, and groove on the marks of barren-ness that are exposed ribs and slender limbs and small hard breasts that could never nourish new life. Narcissism drives men to desire women whose profile is so much like their own, instead of the gloriously different and female fatness that is natural to them. This makes me angry, because it hurts fat women, and it also diminishes the number of them.
Fat women nowadays are shy, they agonize over their weight, they DIET, they fail to recognize the beauty of their own form and cannot enjoy their own bodies because they have been sucked in and hypnotized by the evil advertising dreck that surrounds them.
Yes, I have done the taste test, I have tried skinny ones and they cannot compare. They are weak, vain, mean, absorbed in their own "beauty" and the lie that, because they are thin, they are better. They are like evil princesses in legends who order suitors to bring them the moon on a platter or lose their heads. Yes, but then fat women ARE the moon itself that draws in the orbiting prince and then imprisons him in delight, never to leave again! But they can be moved to anger, and their anger is a mighty force that cannot be stopped. Dave, here come the Valkyries, and I'm riding the leader of the pack. Fear that.

the love letter

dear goat,
how does one fall in love? do you trip? do you stumble? lose your balance and drop to the sidewalk, graze your knee? graze your heart? do you crash to the stony ground? is there a precipice from which you float over the edge forever?
i know i am inlove when i see you. i know when i long to see you. not a muscle has moved, leaves hang unruffled by any breeze, the air is still. i have fallen in love without taking a step. when did this happen? i havent even blinked.
i am on fire, is that too banal for you? its not you know, you'll see. its what happens. its what matters. im on fire.
i no longer eat, i forget to eat, food looks silly to me, irrelevant. if i even notice it. but i notice nothing. my thoughts are full and raging, ahosue full of brothers, related by blood, fauding blood feuds.
"im in love"
"typically stupid choice"
"i am, though i am racked by love as if love were pain"
"go ahead f*uck up your llife, its all wrong and you know it. wake up. face it."
"there's only one face, its all i see, awake or asleep"
i threw the book out the window last night. i tried to forget. you are all wrong for me. i know it. but i no longer care for my thoughts unless thy're thoughtsof you. when im close to you, in your presence, i feel your hair brush my cheek whn it does not. i look away from you sometimes, then i look back.
when i tie my shoes,
when i peel an orange,
when i drive my car,
when i lie down each night without you,
i remain as ever,
ram

the art of letting go

why do we have to part while the love is still there? why do we have to cry when someone bids goodbye? why do beginnings have an end?
there are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed and promisis left unfulfilled.
in a relationship one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. it is as hard as breaking a crystal rose, becuase you never know when you will be able to pick up the broken pieces again.
at the beginning and at the end of the relationship, we are embarassed to find ourselves alone. unfair as it may seem, but thats the way love goes. everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how and without us knowing why. we must forget, not becuase we want to but becuase we have to.
it seems that everywhere you go, everything that you do, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eyes and every breath you take always remind you of him. just imagine, there are four billion people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other. i dont know if its worth calling an art, but letting go entails a special skill with a considrable space and time. time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part.
not all love stories end with "and they lived happily ever after" sometimes we have to part becuase of circumstances beyond our control. we have to suffer, if it would mean happiness to others. we have to cry temporarily to let go of pains, every beginning has its end, like every dawn has its dusk, its over, he's gone. but life has to go one. goodbye doesnt mean forever. there will always be a place in time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled.
somewhere,
somehow,
someday.

classy things to say when stressed

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you!!!"
"You say I’m a biatch like it’s a bad thing?" <>
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
"Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
"Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after."
"Do I look like a f*cking people person!"
"This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
"YOU!! Off my planet!!!"
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be…?"
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
"I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t gone to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You’re standing in my aura." <<>
"Don’t worry. I forgot your name too."
"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?" <<>
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality"
"Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done." <>
"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
"You look like shite. Is that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go home."
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth."
"You are depriving some village of an idiot."

Blog on Rewind 1

this was posted may 23 2005

another day of misery over...
jazzy, lammo i miss you. i was watching my sassy girl and windstruck the other day... i was crying so hard... why the **** did you have to leave!!! life is passion. you were passion personified... and maybe thats the reason for your leavetaking... yung manner that you left us... it can be described as a crime of passion. we love you jazzy, and we continue to love you. i just cant imagine going to a theater production without remembering you... i cant watch jim carey without remembering you... remember MONA LISA SMILE? the DETROIT PISTONS? how about ETERNAL SUNSHINE FOR THE SPOTLESS MIND? i wish you just did that... fought for love. it might have made you miserable, but were there for you. cant blame you for being selfish... maybe you just couldnt take it anymore, pero hindi ba't a relationship entails being together through thick and thin? for better or for worse? in the end... death did part us.
you said you felt safe with us, but i guess you didnt trust us enough to share your burdens with us. we couldve carried it with you.
i guess no matter how hard we rant and rave, nothings gonna change what happened... i just hope that on your new journey you could still feel and know that we love you... it transcends everything Jazzy... even death.
take care bro... see ya on the flipside...