An Exorcism...

She woke up to the beeping of her mobile phone. The sweet soothing sound of a saxophone introduction of the song Tiger in the Rain slowly cut the strands that connect her to her dream. She pulls frantically at the gossamer images that were quickly losing their definition, but in a matter of seconds, they were gone. She rolls over in bed trying to reclaim the blissful state of in-between sleep and waking up, to no avail.

Resigned, she sits up in bed and picks her phone from her bedside bureau and checks the messages she incurred overnight. The usual forwarded quotes. She deletes them from her phone and then picks up her new Sony Vaio and logs into cyberspace. She checks her emails and updates her blog, multiply and friendster account. After doing so, she opens her email once more, clicks the compose button and then stares at it for a long time. Her mind is blank.

The past few days have been taxing for her. She accompanied a friend because he was feeling a little sad due to a series of misfortunate events; even if she wasn't feeling well herself. Not that she was complaining, but it did take a lot out of her. From her point of view, when you call yourself a friend, when you help them out, its either all or nothing, no half baked attempts or efforts. Most people say that she has a Messiah complex, but to her, that was her definition of being a friend.

She had to smile, the song that was coming through the speakers was "Tag Ulan" by After Image, how apt.

Kapag umuulan bumubuhos ang langit
Sa `yong mga mata
Kapag mayroong unos ay aagos ang luha
Ngunit di ka mag iisa kaibigan

Her fingers were stationary over the keyboard. Pianist fingers. That's what her father would call them. She looks at them as if they were alien to her.

Its now or never. Suck it up and get it over and done with dummy.

Then they started to move, as if they had a mind of their own.

Hello;

I'm sending you this email because I want to get on to the business of making you my friend instead of hoping that we'd be more than that. so I hope you read this email to the end. I wouldn't mind if you don't reply to this. its just that I need to exorcise this from my system or else id forever be infatuated with you.

where was i?

oh. i remember.

I think I started to fall for you when we were doing the Il Postino "poetry reading." It was too bad that I had to run an errand and we had to end it. I keep on remembering the last thing that you typed before i logged off "i hate to end this but i wouldn't want your mom to get mad at you for not running that errand " we talked for 6 hours that day. even though you were cleaning your room, you really took the time to talk to me. it made me... smile.

Then we met and you were exactly my type. I love your eyes, those long lush lashes and when you smiled, you looked like a mischievous child. They really went well with your mind, that rapier sharp wit, the absurd humor that I understand and the love for obscure music. From then on I got solidly hooked.

I always went out of my way to help you and talk to you and i think you did too because we'd talk everyday. We'd call each other. I asked our other friends... they said you rarely did that for them. I felt special.

I asked you about this. you said you were naturally built that way - sweet. Implicitly, you said that I shouldn't make a big deal about it. I tried not to, but evidences kept popping up that you treat me differently from our other friends.

So I hoped and waited. One day you told me you missed me. Cheese overload I know, but I really felt as if you were reaching out. Akala ko me gusto ka rin sakin. But according to a friend, as long as there are no formal annoucements or outright declarations of "love" wag ka nang umasa.

I never listened to them. Dumb really.

There was this one episode where I wanted to confront you, for me to know... to quote my friend MotherHen... I'm calling your shit out. Do you feel something for me? like a friend, more than a friend... whatever. I badly wanted to know. How do you feel about me?

Now, after spending more time with you, I don't think I need to know anymore because from the way you carry yourself I know that you are still not over her. From the nonchalant way you talk about her and your bestfriend, I know they hurt you, but you just take it in "stride"

Wow, this is such a long email. I apologize for that, but if you are still reading this, Thank you for making time for this.

I like you a lot... I still do. I don't know why I am so fascinated with you. Maybe its because I couldn't figure you out. I don't know.

What I do know is that things might change after this, but I'm doing this for myself. Purging myself of this unrequited love so that I can move on.

So there...

Her fingers stopped moving. She didn't know how to end it so she kept it at that. Her index finger glided over the pad area to direct the arrow key to the send button. Pale and trembling, her finger hovered over the pad. All she needed was to tap her finger and that email would be sent off to the ether, speedily directing itself to the inbox of man she had no guts to tell her feelings to, even if they were together the past few days.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and told herself: hon, this is like bungee. The hardest part is letting go and jumping off your safe place. Once you've let go, all you have is that sense of freedom that feels perfect. Just do it. She then opened her eyes and with a steady hand clicked the send button.

As she looked at the clock; it was already one in the afternoon.

She closes her laptop and starts her day.