reveries of nothing

She stood by the window, a cup of coffee warming her chilled hands. She once again woke with a sob trapped in her throat. Her caramel colored eyes looked but never saw, they looked big and bruised on her pale skinned face.

A tear slowly slid down one cheek.

Her mother was pushing her back to being nothing. Her dreams that she worked hard to achieve taunted her.

People perceived her as a strong independent lady, little did they know that the reason why she did all of those things was because she was deathly afraid of being nothing to no one. A hard lesson learned from childhood.

She remembered. Scenes from the past flashed in her mind like a montage.

“You are just like your father; wanderlust so deep that you can’t seem to hold on to anything. You start something but you never know how to finish it. Always looking for the sunrise you haven’t seen. Always wanting more. Always looking for the next adventure. Never content with what is already there...”

“But I chose you over Dad.”

“The reason why you chose me is because we both know that you are selfish and jealous. Your father rarely takes his eyes off that woman. If you stayed with me, he would focus on you and only you in this godforsaken family. Your brothers never loved your father. Only you and I did, but this is what we get in return. You and I both know that. You will never amount to anything. You are never good enough… will NEVER be good enough. You are your father’s daughter. ”

Her reverie was broken when she heard her mobile phone chirping. She wiped at the lone tear that left a trail down her cheek and picked up her mobile phone.

It was Finn.

Tagal mo naman gumising.

A smile teased the corners of her mouth. She shot him back an SMS.

Kanina pa po ako gising. Nagkakape lang. Breakfast ka na po?

While waiting for Finn to respond, she sits on her bed and turns on her laptop. As soon as she logged on to the internet her MSN Messenger pops up with a message from Finn.

Oi.

She replies back.

Weh.

She laughs for the first time that day. They would always start the conversation in that way. He reminded her of the man from her yesterday. They were both kind and smart men. They made her laugh. They made her day. The only difference was that she and Finn were friends. Good friends.

Oi. Biarbi. Meeting daw kami. Ttyl.

Left alone in cyberspace, she decided to browse through her picture files. Savoring memories of days passed.

Rifling through her files, she saw a picture of them together. Laughing. Teasing. Individual pictures. Pictures with their friends. A picture of him and his bestfriend. Remembered the last conversation that they had before he went back abroad and disappeared from her life again.

They were in Starbucks. The one in Malate.

He just finished taking a drag from his lit cigarette. “I do that – spoil things. I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t like hurting you on purpose. I don’t have the words like you do. I don’t have them, the kind you say to me – or even think, and I see you thinking them and it – my heart just stops. Most of our friends think I’m a selfish, self centered bastard.”

“Do you think loving you to excess is easy for me? I love you but we’re just supposed to be friends. I’m dealing with it. It’s my problem. I’m not forcing you into a relationship…” she says a little too quietly.

“No you aren’t. I think it should be impossible, don’t get mad... Not yet. Let me finish.”

“Then make it good. Because I am so damn sick of having to justify my feelings to the person who owns them.” She says irritably.

“I can’t keep my balance. I get it and I cruise along for awhile, realizing this is who I am now, who we are now. And then sometimes, I just look at you and stumble. And I can’t get my breath because all these feelings just rear up and grab me by the throat. I don’t know what to do about it. How to handle it. I think: “I’ve known her for less than a year. Been friends with her for less than a year and there are times that she walks into the room and stops my heart.”

He took a breath and mashes his face wearily on his palms.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. In my life. You’re what matters most. But right now I am scared of ruining this for you. For us. I’m not ready for a commitment yet. Please try to understand.”

Bittersweet. She wanted to be a cynic. She wanted to be jaded. She wanted to think “yeah right… you just like me because I buy you things. Because I lavish attention on you…” but she couldn’t. She wasn’t built that way.

She loved and lived with passion because she knew that life is too short for niceties. When you fly high, you hit the ground harder than most. She took risks that “normal” people wouldn’t take because she didn’t want to live her life with regrets and what-ifs. Something that her mother or family and some friends couldn’t understand. They think her stupid for that.

They never understood her.

She wasn’t NOTHING.