Kickass Goddess

silent screams

2009-08-11T02:28:00.001+08:00

I can never understand how one homo sapien can kill its own kind. I dare not call a murderer as a human being.

Today i found out that a dear friend of mine was murdered. Cause of death: multiple stab wounds to the neck and head. Not only does the perpetrator have no respect for the human condition, this entity even had the balls to wrap my friend's face in plastic and stuff him in the trunk of his own car.

When this information was relayed to me, only one thought had gone through my mind... I hope Teej didnt feel anything beyond that first slash of the knife to the neck.

Tiny shudders of pain were racing up and down my body as i fought to keep my emotions buried. I still had a class to facilitate and breaking down was unacceptable. My body was going through the motions of teaching but my heart was screaming at me. I guess no words can define how painful my heart was constricting. I can only imagine the fear that Teej might have gone through during that time. I can only assume that this travesty occurred while i was soundly and dreamlessly sleeping safely in my bed.

I have yet to understand the depth of the loss my "cousin" Teej has brought to my life. All i know right now is that I wont see his smiling face in the office anymore. His amazing singing will now be silenced forever. His absolutely corny jokes that made you laugh because they were so corny will now be relegated to phone memories as text messages, never to be delivered in his oddly funny speaking voice.

Right now, i mourn the loss of my cousin Teej. I am angered at the being that committed this brutal act upon this trusting, happy and content soul. I will not throw any ill will your way because i know that one day, you will get what you deserve.

All i ask now is a favor from all my friends... Please help me pray for Teej's soul. for peace and acceptance for the friends and family who had been left to celebrate his life. For the police to be wise and swift in finding the heinous being that have committed this act. For the justice system to mete out the appropriate punishment. Last but not the least, strength for all friends and family to overcome this obstacle.

I will miss you so much Cousin. Sobra. *sob*

the dark man cometh

2009-07-06T01:32:00.001+08:00

On a dark cherry wood desk lay an ashtray with a smoldering cigarette. The fragrant tobacco smoke was tinged with a slight bitterness. He was immersed deep in his thoughts, his eyes cast unseeing towards the twinkling city lights beneath him. A tiny spark of light lit his eyes has his ears heard the whisper soft strains of Yiruma's song Love Me wafted through the air; the spark died as quickly as it came.

His thoughts turned back to her. They havent talked nor seen each other for 8 months now. He stood from his desk and walked to the floor to ceiling window that graced his office. He lay his hand against the glass pane that separated him from a 50 storey plunge. The cool glass reminded him that he still had warmth in him.; that he was still remotely human. Minutes passed unknowingly, as he stood there gazing down at the city that was filled with a vast sea of faces that made him feel his loneliness further.

As he walked back to his desk he saw something glitter in the dark corner underneath his desk. He stooped down to pick it up and saw that it was the letter opener that she gave to him from their last trip to Singapore. The blade on the letter opener was sharp enough to leave a shallow slice on his forefinger when he ran his finger lightly on its cutting edge. His right hand gripped the handle as he turned his left arm over...

.-=*v*=-.

She was sitting on the shore, watching the sunset on another day. Her bright brown eyes drank in the slow transition from a Rembrandt sky to the bold colors of sunset. The cool ocean breeze made a rat's nest of her long hair; but she didnt mind. She rarely had the pleasure of taking in peace for herself. In her life, it was always about work, her family, and as of late, her friends. She was their towerblock. It wasnt that she minded being someone people leaned on, but lately, it had been more of a task borne out of obligation, instead of pleasure brought by love.

The sand between her toes reminded her of him.

Of the odd conversations that they had which made sense only to them.

"If you were a super hero, and you had to choose between the ability to fly but can only be two feet off the ground OR the ability to become invisible, but when youre invisible youre going to be blind as a bat, what would you choose?"

"If Hitler didnt have his moustache, would he be less popular?"

"If you only had three pieces of hair on your head, would they be clumped together? or in three separate places?"

"Who do you think is more of a sidekick amterial, Aquaman or Robin?"

The snippets of these past conversations ran through her mind, briging a ghost of a smile to her eyes.

Then her mobile phone rang.

She reached out to the pouch beside her and answered the call. Seconds after she aswered her mobile phone, all the color from her face was drained; her hand shook as she ended the call, she stood up from the blanket and ran to her car.

'-=. . .=-'

He's dead.

Those two words kept echoing in her head as she hurtled down the highway, uncaring if the speed limit was 60. She drove as if Hell's very own hounds were chasing her. She needed to see for herself that he was really gone.

When she reached the hospital parking lot, she parked haphazardly near the ER entrance and ran to the nearest nursing station. As she ran through the cool halls of the hospital, the antiseptic smell reminded her that this is where people lived and died. She reached the waiting room and saw all their friends; their faces reflecting varying states of shock and grief. She felt as if time suddenly became as molasses being sucked up a soda straw. Each step that she took felt like eternity.

She sat beside one of their friends and buried her face in her hands. How many minutes passed, she didnt know, but when she felt a warm weight settle gently on her shoulder, she raised her head and saw him. Her knees trembled like the last leaves on an autumn tree, as she stood up.

.-=***=-.

He saw various emotions flash through her eyes when she saw him. The same emotions that ran through her when they last spoke. A fine trembling was running through his body as they stood there and hugged each other.

"I can believe Charles is gone" she whispered.

"His mom says he died in his sleep. Days after we last spoke, his mom called me up and told me that the hospital was sending him home because his cancer was already terminal and they couldnt do anything about it anymore." he said as he laid his forehead gently on her forehead.

"Why didnt you tell me?" she asked.

"Im sorry, but it wasnt for me to say. His mom didnt want anyone to know, but she told me because i was his bestfriend. I also didnt think that you would talk to me after what happened to us 8 months ago." He then sat down on one of the couches in the waiting room. His arms around her, her arms around his; sharing the burden of grief that have been given to them.

Val's Birthday

2009-02-15T22:16:00.000+08:00

As the cool night wind blew softly, he stood on his hotel room terrace, his eyes unseeing as they were cast towards the city lights that winked liked stars below him. It had been months since he last saw her. Its funny that he remembered her on a Friday the 13th. A day that superstitious lots feared and anticipated yet ironically a day before the world fell under the commercialism of love.

A ghost of a smile touched his lips as he thought of her. He could see the sneer on her face the last time that they spent February 14 together. He gave her flowers and she gave him that look that made a lesser man cringe but amused him.

"What am i supposed to do with this monstrosity?" she asks as he gives her a pailful of yellow roses.

"I think you're supposed to smush your face in the bouquet and then give me the dewy eyed look that girls usually do when they receive flowers." he answers while he opens the door to the front passenger of her car.

"And when i smush my face in the bouquet, am i supposed to eat the flowers?" she asks a little scathingly.

"We'll you eat the weirdest things, so i dont suppose eating flowers would be any different" he says as he slowly exited the parking lot.

In answer to his statement, she snorted inelegantly at him.

He couldnt help but laugh. "Why cant you just say thank you?" he laughingly asks.

"Why should i? I didnt ask you to buy me flowers. You do this every year and it just always ends up in Val's house." she answered.

"Well, its like hitting two birds with one stone. I irritate you and since you dump those flowers annually to Val, then it also acts as a birthday gift for Val. Its one of the few things i live for. hahahahaha"

His reverie was broken when he heard his mobile phone ringing. He headed back to his room to get his phone.

.-=***=-...-=***=-.

She opened her eyes after wishing on the first night's star. Her whiskey colored eyes held a tinge of sadness. She lit a cigarette to give her hands something to do as she dispelled the thoughts in her head.

It had been months since she last saw him. Until now, she could feel that jab to the solar plexus, just thinking about him; about him telling her that he loved her more than she could give. A part of her died when he told her that he wanted them to be together. She knew that she loved him, but not in the way that he wanted it to be. She knew that she wasnt the best person to be his life partner. She took a drag from her cigarette as she remembered one of her conversations with Amie.

" Just like what i read in a book...'First guy to walk out of my life, definetly not the last. Funny things, you and me. You always stayin' away from love, me always chasin' after it.' Same deal with us girl-o. You're just a plain coward. You say you're smart, but i say youre not. Letting go of a guy who would go over the moon for you. I call it as i see it. You're a freaking coward..."

She walked away from Amie even before she had the time to finish her statement. Each word that came out of Amie's mouth was like a dart.

This was going to be the first time in 12 years that she would be going to Val's birthday without him. She took another deep drag from her cigarette and then walked determinedly to Val's house to face his family and their friends for the first time without Japeth by her side.

the aftermath

2008-11-29T01:58:00.000+08:00

It was shaping up to be a really bad day for her. As she was walking back to her office after a horrendous meeting, she heard a song playing in the operations area...

"I'll be there for you when the sky falls down
I'll be there for you when no one's around
I'll be there for you when there's no way out and you're down
and you frown

I know life won't go your way
and you never know what to say
when you have nothing left
I'll still love you more

I'll be there for you through your deepest fears
I'll be there for you 'till the smoke clears
I'll be there for you when you see no end and your friends
are all gone

I know life won't go your way
and you never know what to say
when you have nothing left
I'll still love you more

You could turn your back or run a thousand miles away
I'll be waiting for you with nothing left to say but

I'll be there for you when nothing can go wrong
I'll be there for you when you sing a joyful song
I'll be there for you when your smile lights the room
and your gloom is all gone

I know life won't go your way
and you never know what to say
when you have nothing left
I'll still love you more "

Then it her like a fist, they weren't friends anymore. Her ears started heating up and she knew that she was about to cry. She always presented a strong front but whenever emotions like these hit her at unexpected times she had to cry it out to cope. The washroom seemed like a football field away so she hid in the next best thing: the storage closet.

As soon as the door closed, she slumped to the floor and started to gasp and sob. Tears streamed down her cheeks like a warm cleansing shower. Halfway through her crying jag she heard the storeroom door open...

" Okay lang po kayo ma'am?"

She looks up and sees Arnold, the Janitor. Still hiccuping and sobbing she stammered: "Okay lang po ako kuya..."

"Ma'am wag po kayo mag alala... Maaayos din po yan. Lahat naman po ng problema me solusyon. Kung hindi nyo naman po kaya na, hindi naman po mahirap humingi ng tulong sa iba para damayan nila kayo. Sige po una na ako. Tahan na po kayo" with that Arnold grabbed several packs of paper towels and stepped out of the storeroom.

She sat there and thought things over and cried a little more. She leaned her forehead to her knees and waited for the hiccups to subside. In the quiet storeroom, she heard the song playing in operations..

"...But love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everything

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

Sweetly, You release me
From the weight of what I've done
The trigger trips the hammer
But the bullets never come..."

A tiny smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, it was as if someone was playing the OST of Smallville. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall, taking small pleasure in the relative peace and quiet in the room. Bracing herself for another day to live through with that gaping hole in her chest. A hole that threatened to suck her into an emotional abyss. An abyss of pain and nothingness.

rehashing meandering thoughts...

2008-10-03T07:21:00.000+08:00

The more we grow older, the lesser we care about what people think because we have developed our wings. We are no longer caterpillars confined to the ground. We have undergone the excruciating process of metamorphosis. With our new wings, they will enable us to fly and soar to the great unkown– to breakaway from the chains that used to bind us.

Forget growing pains.

There is still today and tomorrow and many more days after that to do what we want to do.

The most important thing to remember during our future flights is to stay grounded just in case we fly too high.

a Conversation with The Dreamer

2008-09-13T14:08:00.000+08:00

He was in a 24 hour coffee shop in Makati waiting for her to get out of the office. As he waits for her, he lights up a cigarette, takes a deep drag and let the nicotine flow through his system to calm him down. He exhales deeply and grabs his mobile phone to text her.

Two hours passed and he was still alone in the coffee shop. Anger simmering beneath his calm exterior. He was controlling his anger because he knew that once she sinks her teeth into a project, she never lets go until its finished. He grabs his bag from the chair beside him and paws through the bag looking for his PSP. He takes it out and plugs the headset, passing the time through music.

He didnt notice how much time had passed; then he saw a shadow fall across his table.He looks up and sees her huge dimpled grin. As she was about to sit he stands up abruptly from his chair, grabs his bag and walks to his car.

He heard he run after him and when they both reached his car, he gently places his bag on the hood and looks at her.

"What is wrong with you?!" she whispers furiously at him. Her faced reflecting amazement and anger. He knew she hated public confrontations, thus the whispered statement.

He just looks at her and again lights a cigarette. He felt her eyes throwing icy daggers at him and he knew that if looks could kill he would have been dead on the spot, but he was amazed when she spoke again, it was in an even tone.

"I dont know whats going on with you. Im tired and if youre going to sulk, I'll just take a cab home." Then she started to walk away.

He took two quick steps and firmly grabbed her forearm and told her to get in the car. Again, he was surprised when she acquiesced. She must be really tired, he thought.

When they were both in the car, he just sat there and gripped the steering wheel hard enough to make his knuckles stand out white. He looked over at her and saw that her eyes were already closed.

"How many hours have you been at the office?" he asks her.

Her eyes open and blearily focused on him.

"Been there for like 15 hrs" she says sleepily.

"Why do you do that," he asks.

"Stay at the office ng matagal?"

"Yeah"

"Coz I have a lot of other things to do. Saka naghahanap ako ng cute." she answers fliply, then yawns again; hugely.

He then pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"You really dont get it" he says softly. He looks over and saw that her eyes were closed and was breathing deeply. He leans over and touches his head to the steering wheel, closes his eyes and whispers.

"I have loved you since we were kids. I started loving you when you outscreamed that bully Michelle." he laughs softly at this thought.

"I wait patiently everyday for you to realize that, but you only see what you want to see and maybe I am tired of waiting. For someone so smart you can really be dumb sometimes. Why do I wait for you at the oddest hours of the day to pick you up from the office? Doesnt it ever cross your mind why I do a lot of things for you? Dont you ever wonder why our families always ask why arent we together as a couple even if we tell them that we're just the best of friends? Maybe its because they see it in my eyes. I guess you think I have loved other women. I guess I did too... but no one ever really sufficed. Its just you. I love you everyday, I ---"

The silence in the car made him sit up and look at her. Her brown eyes huge with shock. Tinges of anger and pain chased one after the other on her pale face. He winced at that look.

"Please take me home..." she says softly then hugged her bag closer to herself.

He tried to say something but his mind went blank, so he just started the car and drove her home. An awkward air filled the silence on the drive back to her place. They were only a block away from her place when he heard her say "Im sorry I hurt you, but I cant love you back the way you expect me to."

He didnt respond to that whispered statement. As he drove he felt like it was the longest block that he had to drive. They then arrived at her place. He parked the car and then turned off the engine.

"So you cant love me, but you loved that freakin gay guy and even ---" he shouted at her but stopped when he saw the color draining from her face. Her normally pale face turned white as a sheet. "Thanks for bringing me home." she says and then steps out of the car.

The soft thud of the door against the frame felt like a punch to the solar plexus. He couldnt breathe. He didnt know how long he stayed like that, until he felt his mobile phone vibrate. He took it out of his pocket and saw that she sent him a message.

"Im sorry, but I dont think we can be friends anymore."

Scenes from a Memory

2008-09-06T02:51:00.000+08:00

The humid night air brushed her cheeks while she was slowly walking back to her office. Her slow steps barely made a sound on the concrete pathway. She was lost in thought. As she looked up, the lights from the buildings brought back a fond memory from her Singapore vacation.

***

‘That was a good book,’ she thought as she closed the book that she just finished reading; it was “Immortality” by Milan Kundera. As usual, after reading a Kundera masterpiece, it made her think about how and where her life was headed. About why is there a difference between the individual self and an individual’s public image; why is there a conflict between reality and appearance and why is there an all too human longing for immortality? As she pondered about this, she took a sip from her now cold hazelnut latte and gazed out onto the Marina Bay skyline.

A huge skeleton wheel was being constructed across the bay and according to her expat friends, that wheel was soon to become the Singapore Flyer; a giant ferris wheel, or to be technologically correct; a giant observation wheel, something like the London Eye. To the left; was the Esplanade Mall (which reminded her of a giant durian) the unique structure was strategically lit to showcase its one-of-a-kind architecture and to the leftmost part of her eye scope was the Merlion Park. For reasons unknown to her, the sound of the water gushing out of the merlion and the Mediterranean blue “water” under the statue soothed her.

Deep in thought, she didn’t notice that her mobile phone was vibrating; it was only when she put down her mug that she noticed that someone tried to reach her. She checked her mobile and saw that it was Chris; a classmate from highschool who presently worked in Singapore as an in-house events coordinator for Credit Suisse. She sent him a text message saying that she currently was in the Starbucks in front of the Fullerton Hotel.

After 10 minutes she saw Chris walking towards her. She had to stifle a giggle because every time she would see him, she would be reminded of this Asian actor – Edison Chen. Chris and the actor looked alike, just like the way Brad Pitt looks like a young Robert Redford. The difference between Edison Chen and Chris was that Chris was deeply tanned. Chris was in his usual business casual attire, but on him, it really didn’t seem casual. Draped on his tall, tanned and almost lanky frame was a black long sleeved polo shirt (which he accessorized with a piano key designed skinny tie) a handsome black belt with a gorgeous silver buckle, black slacks and white suede Gucci loafers.

They had dinner at Saint Julien; a French restaurant whose mission was to recreate the ‘bourgeois’ cuisine reminiscent of Paris several decades ago. They reminisced about how horrible their highschool life was and laughed at the times where they were sent to the principal’s office for their shenanigans. In the middle of dinner her phone started vibrating and she saw that it was her friend Huck. When she answered, he was asking where she was and if she was interested to have dinner with him since he just got out of the office. She told him that she was at home and already ate dinner, but maybe they could have dinner over the weekend or have coffee.

When dinner was over, she and Chris walked off the sumptuous dinner that they had. They walked hand in hand while talking. He was laughing at her because she nearly tripped a couple of times because she was staring at the buildings instead of looking at where she was walking. The tall buildings, bright lights and the people bustling about even late at night reminded her of home. In their mindless wandering, they ended up on Orchard Road and suddenly she found herself looking at Huck who was reading in one of the coffee shops that dotted the street. She rolled her eyes consternation; thought ‘jeez this country is really small,’ then sent a quick prayer to God asking for him not to notice her and Chris. Happily someone up there did listen and they got past without him noticing.

As they walked home, the smell of rain permeated the air and thunder started to rumble from above, it was a good thing that they were only a few blocks away from her condo. They were already at the park near her condo complex when the rain started to pour. They couldn’t run for it because Chris didn’t want to get his laptop wet; which incidentally was in a Hermes piano man bag, so they decided to wait it out. It was a good thing that the park had a covered walkway with benches so they had a place to park their butts.

An hour had passed and the rain still hadn’t let up. She got bored and fished around her bag to grab a cigarette. She stood from the bench and walked a few steps downwind from Chris; he hated the smell of cigarettes. After she lit up Chris said loudly: “Why don’t you quit smoking? Don’t make me go there and put that out.” She arched an eyebrow at him and took a long drag. As she exhaled, he stood up from the bench and started to approach her. She took a one step back for every step that he took towards her, next thing she knows they were running around the park laughing their hearts out. When they got back to the bench where they left their things, she saw that she was still holding a soggy cigarette butt in her right hand; which started another round of laughter.

A cold breeze started to blow which made them shudder in their wet clothes. She told him that she can run up to her condo and grab some umbrellas so that their things wouldn’t get wet. He agreed to this while grimacing and looking at his soggy socks. Of course he was in socks; you wouldn’t want to ruin a pair of Gucci shoes… not even for a childhood friend. Hahahahaha~

They got back to the condo without any other crazy incidents, dried themselves and plopped down on the couch to channel surf.

***

She entered the building where her office was located, a smile lurking at the corners of her lips as she reminisced about the rest of that memory.

Nothing New

2008-09-05T04:50:00.000+08:00

I can hear you staring.

He then opened his eyes and gave her his trademark bedimpled parenthesis grin.

She laughed.

“Why are you staring?” he asks.

“Nothing. I was just thinking.” She says.

“Well don’t think so loud, you’re disturbing my sleep.” He says while pulling up the covers that were down to his waist then closes his eyes once again.

She then gets up from bed and goes out of the room to her pint sized kitchen to grab some coffee. While in the kitchen, her mobile phone started to vibrate; indicating that she had an incoming call. She took a look at the screen and saw to her utter surprise and slight tinge of anger, it was Finn.

She ended the call as soon as she could and then went back to her room and took a cigarette from her bag. She glanced over to the bed and saw that he was still asleep. This brought a smile to her face. He always slept in during the weekends and tried to sleep in during the weekdays. He believed that mornings were meant to be greeted with eyes tight shut. That thought accompanied her as she went back to the kitchen.

She turned on the exhaust fan just above her kitchen sink and lit up her cigarette. She rarely smoked at home, but today was an exception. The call from Finn angered her. Taking a deep drag from her cigarette she began to replay the conversation in her head. It really irritated her that Finn had the gall to call her and act as if nothing happened; as if they never had that falling out. She was pondering deeply upon those preposterous thoughts that she didn’t hear him walk over and jumped a foot high when he grabbed the coffee filled mug from her hand.

He was pleasantly rumpled from bed and giving her a grumpy grin. “Why are you muttering here by the sink? It’s too early for that.” He says after taking a huge gulp of the slowly warming coffee.

“Nothing.” She says while again taking a deep drag from her cigarette and blowing the smoke out directly to his face.

He waved his hand in front of his face and stuck a tongue out at her. “That nothing seems to be making you grumpy. If you don’t feel like talking about it, no skin off my nose. Am heading back to bed.”

She still kept silent.

“By the way, lets pass by Auntie Mia’s later. I promised that I would pass by when I had the time.” He says over his shoulder while walking back to the room.

“I cant join you. I have a meeting later in Makati.” She says.

“Lets visit when you finish. Aunt Mia misses you too.”

She was about to respond when he shut the door to the room.

She finished her cigarette and put it out on the sink, then went to do the millions of mundane chores that she had to do during the weekends.

It was two in the afternoon when she was able to finish her chores. She had done her laundry, mopped the floors, cooked lunch, vacuumed the carpet, and changed the curtains and dinning table’s cover. Vacuuming the carpet lifted up her spirits just a little because she knew that the noise annoyed him.

When she went back to her room, she saw that he was still sleeping and snoring soundly. So she tiptoed on the carpeted floor and stood beside him; bent down and pinched his nose shut. His mouth opened and that’s where he started breathing. She covered his mouth with her other hand on the hopes of waking him up. She had to laugh out loud because when she covered his mouth it seemed like his ears started squeaking. He was still asleep after she laughed her heart out, so she shook him awake and told him to eat lunch so that they could get a move on.

After her meeting in Makati, (which really ticked her off just a bit. Imagine going to the office on a weekend AND her day off) they headed to Parañaque to visit Japeth’s Aunt Mia.

It was Aunt Mia who opened the door. Upon seeing her and Jap, she gave him a tigh warm hug and then turned to her. His Aunt placed her long fingered hands on her shoulders, drew her in and hugged her too. “Now everything is alright.” His aunt said softly.

His aunt led them into the dining room. Her soft soled shoes padded quietly on the marble tile covered floor, while Jap’s and her sneakers squeaked loudly on the floor.

As the usual with relatives, his aunt asked if why they weren’t married yet, with the usual spiel of ‘you both aren’t getting any younger, you’re both financially viable, you’re not bad looking.. blah blah blah…’ They both just shook their head and grinned. Aunt Mia never could understand that they were just bestfriends.

On their way home, he asked her again…

“Why aren’t you my girlfriend anyway?”

“I’m not your girlfriend because its pretty gross to think that we’ve been friends since we were kids and it seems very incestuous if we did end up in a relationship together.”

“But we have chemistry…”

“I don’t care if we have chemistry or algebra or biology - ” she wasn’t able to complete her statement because she was laughing pretty hard.

He stuck his tongue out at her and gave her a funny face.

She was still giggling when she said “You always ask me that question whenever we meet your relatives… mine too…”

“Because I keep on wondering maybe we are for each other,” he says a little quietly.

“Look,” she says, “lets just make a deal, if by 40 and we’re still single or otherwise unattached, then that’s the time we think things over.”

She saw his beautiful brown eyes crinkle at the corners and get that mischievous glint.

“But I want to have kids!” he says with a laugh lurking in his voice.

“We can always adopt.”

“You know what, nevermind this redundant conversation. Lets just go get a drink. You’ve been sober since June.” He says while chuckling. “You’re just too logical for my taste.”

She smiles widely and says, “Now that’s a good idea”

back in business

2008-09-04T04:30:00.000+08:00

its been awhile since i got back online. been pretty busy with work and other stuff in my life. anyway... i'll be back to blogging sometime this week. i have a lot of things to share... hehehehe

all i can say right now is im just glad to be back~

my personality

2008-05-05T02:44:00.000+08:00

Your Personality is Very Rare (INTP) Your personality type is goofy, imaginative, relaxed, and brilliant.

Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.

http://www.blogthings.com/howrareisyourpersonalityquiz/

Pasyensya Na...

2008-04-14T22:46:00.000+08:00

Pasensya na
kung hindi kita pinapansin
nitong mga nakalipas na araw.

Pasensya na
kung d kita tinitingnan man lang
pag nagkakasalubong tayo sa daan.

Pasensya na
kung parang kaluluwa ang kaharap ko
sa tuwing nagkakatapat tayo.

Pasensya na
kung hindi ko natupad ang pangako ko
na manatiling kaibigan mo
sa habang buhay.

Hindi ko kasi inakala
na magiging ganito kasakit,
ang makita kayong magkasama muli.

Pasensya na
kung tila binasura ko na
ang lahat ng ala-ala nating dalawa.

Pasensya na
kung wala na akong ginagawa
para masagip pa
ang ating pinagsamahan.

Pasensya na talaga.

Yan lang kasi
ang paraan na alam ko
upang makalimutan ka na
ng tuluyan.

sa susunod na magkasalubong tayo
dedmahin mo nalang ako
parang hangin na dumaan
na walang naging silbi,
walang naging saysay,
at d naging bahagi
ng buhay mo.

at kung sa susunod pang muli
na magkita tayo
ay kinakausap na kita
at nakakangiti na ako sayo
at nakakatingin na ako
sa mga mata mo
at wala ka nang nakikitang bakas ng luha
sa mga mata ko..
asahan mong
nakalimutan na kita
at naibaon ko na
ang lahat ng ating ala-ala
nakatarangka na sa baul
na di na muling bubuksan pa.

What is friendship?

2008-04-14T19:09:00.000+08:00

friendship for me is taking extra special care of people that aren't part of your immediate family.

im just pretty sad now coz i know i may have been pretty heavy handed with my being a mother hen, but if you dont like it, then why not just say it up front. dont snipe behind my back.

my heart is a little bruised right now because people make me feel bad about me caring about them. i admit that i am a little heavy handed about it... but please, if you really dont appreciate it, then say it to my face.

thank you.

hiding inside myself

2008-03-31T05:25:00.000+08:00

“Honorable retreats are no ways inferior to brave charges, as having less fortune, more of discipline, and as much valor.”

-William Orville Douglas-

a lot of shiite has happened in the past few days. i am battered, bruised and very hurt. i guess i never learn. be too nice, you get abused. be strict then you're a bad guy. its very tricky to find the middle ground. i am tired. my heart is tired of caring (for now)

people say that i care too much about what goes on around me. that i have a messiah complex. that i worry too much. why shouldn't i? they're my friends and family too. aren't you supposed to love and care and worry about them? i never get this part right. some say i play the martyr. some of you say i just love misery. maybe you're right. maybe you're wrong. right now i just want to hide in the deepest recesses of the dark and stay there till i am healed.

so while i heal myself, i am going back up my tower. i have fortified the castle walls; pulled the drawbridge up and closed all the boltholes to the keep as well. do not expect me to answer your calls or your text messages. i just need time for myself... so that i can take the next round of beating that life administers.

... oh yeah ... Finn's dad, thank you for remembering that i am afraid of the dark. you surprised me there yesterday...

This is Who I Am...

2008-03-28T23:03:00.000+08:00

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

reveries of nothing

2008-03-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

She stood by the window, a cup of coffee warming her chilled hands. She once again woke with a sob trapped in her throat. Her caramel colored eyes looked but never saw, they looked big and bruised on her pale skinned face.

A tear slowly slid down one cheek.

Her mother was pushing her back to being nothing. Her dreams that she worked hard to achieve taunted her.

People perceived her as a strong independent lady, little did they know that the reason why she did all of those things was because she was deathly afraid of being nothing to no one. A hard lesson learned from childhood.

She remembered. Scenes from the past flashed in her mind like a montage.

“You are just like your father; wanderlust so deep that you can’t seem to hold on to anything. You start something but you never know how to finish it. Always looking for the sunrise you haven’t seen. Always wanting more. Always looking for the next adventure. Never content with what is already there...”

“But I chose you over Dad.”

“The reason why you chose me is because we both know that you are selfish and jealous. Your father rarely takes his eyes off that woman. If you stayed with me, he would focus on you and only you in this godforsaken family. Your brothers never loved your father. Only you and I did, but this is what we get in return. You and I both know that. You will never amount to anything. You are never good enough… will NEVER be good enough. You are your father’s daughter. ”

Her reverie was broken when she heard her mobile phone chirping. She wiped at the lone tear that left a trail down her cheek and picked up her mobile phone.

It was Finn.

Tagal mo naman gumising.

A smile teased the corners of her mouth. She shot him back an SMS.

Kanina pa po ako gising. Nagkakape lang. Breakfast ka na po?

While waiting for Finn to respond, she sits on her bed and turns on her laptop. As soon as she logged on to the internet her MSN Messenger pops up with a message from Finn.

Oi.

She replies back.

Weh.

She laughs for the first time that day. They would always start the conversation in that way. He reminded her of the man from her yesterday. They were both kind and smart men. They made her laugh. They made her day. The only difference was that she and Finn were friends. Good friends.

Oi. Biarbi. Meeting daw kami. Ttyl.

Left alone in cyberspace, she decided to browse through her picture files. Savoring memories of days passed.

Rifling through her files, she saw a picture of them together. Laughing. Teasing. Individual pictures. Pictures with their friends. A picture of him and his bestfriend. Remembered the last conversation that they had before he went back abroad and disappeared from her life again.

They were in Starbucks. The one in Malate.

He just finished taking a drag from his lit cigarette. “I do that – spoil things. I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t like hurting you on purpose. I don’t have the words like you do. I don’t have them, the kind you say to me – or even think, and I see you thinking them and it – my heart just stops. Most of our friends think I’m a selfish, self centered bastard.”

“Do you think loving you to excess is easy for me? I love you but we’re just supposed to be friends. I’m dealing with it. It’s my problem. I’m not forcing you into a relationship…” she says a little too quietly.

“No you aren’t. I think it should be impossible, don’t get mad... Not yet. Let me finish.”

“Then make it good. Because I am so damn sick of having to justify my feelings to the person who owns them.” She says irritably.

“I can’t keep my balance. I get it and I cruise along for awhile, realizing this is who I am now, who we are now. And then sometimes, I just look at you and stumble. And I can’t get my breath because all these feelings just rear up and grab me by the throat. I don’t know what to do about it. How to handle it. I think: “I’ve known her for less than a year. Been friends with her for less than a year and there are times that she walks into the room and stops my heart.”

He took a breath and mashes his face wearily on his palms.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. In my life. You’re what matters most. But right now I am scared of ruining this for you. For us. I’m not ready for a commitment yet. Please try to understand.”

Bittersweet. She wanted to be a cynic. She wanted to be jaded. She wanted to think “yeah right… you just like me because I buy you things. Because I lavish attention on you…” but she couldn’t. She wasn’t built that way.

She loved and lived with passion because she knew that life is too short for niceties. When you fly high, you hit the ground harder than most. She took risks that “normal” people wouldn’t take because she didn’t want to live her life with regrets and what-ifs. Something that her mother or family and some friends couldn’t understand. They think her stupid for that.

They never understood her.

She wasn’t NOTHING.

Photo Essay swiped from Marky

2008-03-04T10:02:00.000+08:00

- answer the questions below
- do a google image search with your answer
- take a picture from the first page of results
- don't copy the answers of the person who posted this before you

1. the age you'll be on your next birthday

2. a place you'd like to travel

Amanpulo

3. your favorite place

beside my friends ^_^

4. your favorite food

PESTO

5. your favorite animal

baby penguin!!

6. your favorite color

lavender / moss green

7. first name of your significant other or crush
secret na nga lang... hahahahaha!

8. the town in which you live in:
Manila

10. your first job

sold mobile phones

11. a bad habit you have:

12. your worst fear

to be buried alive...

melancholy

2008-03-04T09:06:00.000+08:00

she needed to take a break.

her heart. her mind. her body.

the trouble with her is that people are used to her being happy. little do they know, there are days that her happiness is just a front. right now, she knew that she wasnt naturally happy... that underneath that surging hyperactive energy, her body, her mind and her heart was a mass of desperate fatigue.

she opens her eyes to another day. the sadness clawing at her throat like razorblades. making them it tight and painful to swallow. she needed a good cry, but for some strange reason, the tears never seemed to flow.

she picks up her mobile phone and saw that Finn sent her a message. "zzzz... you still sleeping? wake up. im eating cheese combos. i'll feed you"

Finn was one of the few people that made her truly happy. so she replies "miss me already? we were just talking early this morning."

even though she was still heartsore, she gets up from bed, pads barefoot to the kitchen and brews her coffee.

she goes back to her room and sits by the window, like a cat during ancient times, she perched on her window seat and watched the people on the road scrabbling like ants. hitherto and hitherfro.

she tells herself, its no time to be blue. Finn needs you. so she takes a larger sip from her coffee cup and braces herself for the coming day.

First memory of Me...

2008-02-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

just swiped this from Mr. Wang's blog...

so what IS your first memory of me...

the perfect fit

2008-01-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

it was 2am and she was on her way to the far away city of Parañaque to visit one of her favorite people. upon reaching the subdivision's imposing gates, she saw his car parked by the guard house. the night watchman recognized her face as she was a semi-permanent resident in this subdivision.

she coasted her car alongside his and asked him what he was doing there. he said that he was waiting for her to arrive. she told him that he need not have dont that since she has been coming and going to this location for more than a decade. he smiled at her and said that he just wanted to be there.

they both drove over to Jericho street. Their wall was on a vacant lot on that street. after parking their respective vehicles, they headed off to their spot. she got there first, since he was lugging a smallish coleman ice chest. when he reached the top of the wall, she was already lighting up a cigarette.

she took a deep drag from the cigarette and inhaled deeply. the nicotine rushing through her veins gave a combination of a hyped up lassitude. they sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. she, waiting for him to tell her what was on his mind and he, waiting for her to ask.

she took a last drag on the cigarette and flicked the butt to the ground and started to paw through the coleman. she found sandwiches, 3 bags of chips, a couple of cans of beer and a half full bottle of vodka. she took out a can of beer and a bag of chips. after taking a swig from the beer can, they both spoke up.

"so whats up?"

they laughed.

she gestured to him so that he could go first. he looked up to the sky and started to tell her that he was feeling blue lately. feeling old. feeling unwanted. feeling lonely. feeling unloved.

she sighed and then laughed. she told him that all human beings would feel that way at least at one point in their lives. she told him that he was just feeling that way because he hasnt gotten over the whole maia issue. they dissected a lot more other things that have happened in their lives and the discussion went on and on and on... as they way it usually was when they were together.

at one point they were laughing so hard because they were reminiscing about their junior-senior prom. while laughing, out of the blue, he goes and asks her... "why dont you want me as your boyfriend? i know that we do have good chemistry."

she felt her face heat up with a blush as she remembers the kiss that they shared before. her face sobers up. she went quiet for awhile and then answered.

"well... i know that we do have good chemistry. i also feel that if we do have sex, it will be so good that after we do it, people within a 15 mile radius would need a cigarette. however, its not a wise thing to do. we have been friends since we were kids and i love being around you. i love having you as a friend. the little idiosyncracies that you find endearing, would piss you off if we become a couple. i know its not for me to decide but i know deep down its the same thing that you'd day. youre just in a funk right now. you feel lonely. i do too. its just that this is something that we should not touch, taste or even think about. its a little inscestuous..." she was giggling when she said the last sentence.

he pondered for awhile about what she said and decided yes. she maybe right about this. so he reached out and took her left hand in his right, smiled at her and said, "you always make me feel that everything is alright with the world. everything seems easier when youre around."

"one is always glad to be of service." she says, while tightening her fingers around his.

together they sat there. their fingers meshed. happily watching the sun interrupt the moon.

Sunrise @ Shaw

2008-01-23T02:18:00.000+08:00

Life has been extraordinarily beautiful for me. I have wonderful friends, a loving family and a fantastic career. I couldnt ask for more.

Im a perennially happy person... Being happy is something that im good at. I guess its because im pretty blessed.

The past few weeks have been absolutely fun. Every time i drive home i get to see the sun rise and it fills me with peace, knowing that i get to live another day. A day filled with laughter and love.

As i drove home today, i really couldnt help myself i stopped the car at the top of the nagtahan bridge, turned on the hazard lights and just waited for the sky to lighten. i gazed up in wonder as the velvet sky got painted in shades of magenta, vivid orange, then gold. When the sky turned a crystal clear blue, i continued my drive home.

i actually caused a minor traffic jam.. but hey.. walang basagan ng trip. hahahaah!

i love MY life...

i am glad to get to live a day more...

good morning sa lahat~

The Pianist

2008-01-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

strains of "gone" by jim chappel were wafting through the house. after plunking down the last few notes of the song, her small yet graceful fingers stopped moving on the ivory keys. just as she was starting to play the song "rendezvous" by jim brickman, her father walks into the room.

he sits beside her and puts his arms around her shoulders.

"bad day at the office anak?"

she shakes her head.

"so whats wrong? it must have been a really bad day because you usually go to the firing range with Howie when you feel ticked off."

"nothing dad. i just felt like playing. it has been awhile since i tickled keys and when i got here earlier, you weren't here. so i just went straight to the music room."

her father kisses her on the cheek and then takes her hand.

"anak, did you ever notice that we have the same hands?" her father says while holding her hands in his.

she looks down and nods. "yeah, ive been telling you that before. i also have your eyes and your stubborn streak and the talent to drink lots and lots of alcohol without getting drunk and mumphon..." the last few words came out muffled because her father had placed his hand on her mouth and when her father lifted his hand from her mouth they both started laughing.

that was one thing that she loved the most about her father. they were the best of friends. she looked at their hands once more.

"Dad, you think im ever going to be good enough for someone?"

she heard her father sigh and then say... "Anak, you're good enough for 90% of the people in this country. Pero the catch there is, are you the RIGHT one for them. O sya, i got to go and have the car fixed, want to join me?"

she shakes her head, "thanks dad. i'll be leaving na din naman i just want to finish something."

as her father leaves the room, she turns back to the keys. she slowly places her hands back on them and once more takes a look at her hands. she smiles. no one in her circle of friends knew that she played the piano. while she played "crossroads" by jim brickman, she pondered about what her father had told her.

anger management

2008-01-03T12:59:00.000+08:00

last night was my first day at the new job. so far so good. people there seemed decent enough. however, one simple thing kinda ruined my night though, people who dont mind their own beeswax. so after work, i went home and called one of my best friends (Howie) and asked him if we could head off to PB Dionisio's and get off a few rounds. he goes and picks me up and we headed off to P.B's. pictures posted were taken at home after de-stressing. hahahaha... OA naman ako sa pa-cute i know. wala lang, just got pretty happy that i got time to spend time with a good good friend and got to get rid of some anger and stress too by using a gun. extermination with extreme prejudice. hahahaha!!

G'day!

2007 was a BLAST!!!

2008-01-02T08:48:00.000+08:00

is it so small a thing
to have enjoy'd the sun,
to have lived light in the spring,
to have loved, to have thought, to have done;
to have advanced true friends, and beat
down baffling foes....?

-Matthew Arnold-

i lead a wonderfully beautiful and blessed life and for 2007 it was no different. here's a recap:

January: got a promotion in XBOX. which started the year right. my sweetie and i spent quality time together. talked alot over the phone and over YM. was pretty sad too because Dodie (my super cutie bessy.. one of the four bessies) changed companies and he is so far far away in HSBC alabang. this is when i kinda got talking to an old PExer (and yes, when i say old i mean OLD OLD and old na matagal nang kasama) maxie!!!

February : not much happened on this month. except that Drey (darnstuff, a co-PExer) kept making kulit that we should meet up since it had been ages since we last saw each other. at the end of the month i finally relented and met up with them on the first day of March.

March: met up with the Drey and NSGickers. had super fun. first time in a long while that i was able to go out with friends because of work and studies. got introduced to other PExers. (march 9: met aileen... yihee!!) march 30: graduated from law school/masters and met up with Maxie at Starbucks ELJCC. (syempre monologue mode ako kasi nag d-drama si maxie... hahahah!! yihee maxie.. hahahahaha!!!) 300 was also released (March 11) and it was such a kickass movie.

April: the usual. hahahaha ever since drey got me out of my hiding place, it was kinda hard to stop meeting new people. so april 13 (a friday the 13th) went to Starbucks People Support to meet up with some PExers. met Huck, Aileen, Ally and Andy. we hung out at Croc Grille and kinda drank ourselves into a stupor. hahahaha almost fell down the escalator at Greenbelt 3 too! hahahaha... the 17th of april was my anniversary. well.. it was mine and Dodie's anniversary. One year as bessies!! weeee~ this month also was the catalyst for gimmicks with my PEx family. Andy, Juriele, Mimi, Jesse and I spent the night at Laiya, Batangas. (kila Lola Tecla) hahahaha!!! (april 24) on our way home we even got sooo lost. on our way to tagaytay we ended up in Quezon. hahahaha!! golly gee...
May: moseys along with me obsessing. hahahaha! at this point my sweetie John kinda got eaten alive by work so we werent talking much.rediscovered a few things.. like my love for rilke...

You, darkness, that I come from
I love you more than all the fires
that fence in the world,
for the fire makes a circle of light for everyone
and then no one outside learns of you.

But the darkness pulls in everything-
shapes and fires, animals and myself,
how easily it gathers them! -
powers and people-

and it is possible a great presence is moving near me.

I have faith in nights.

this month also came in with bad tidings. two of my dearest, most loved friends passed away in a vehicular accident.

our beloved friend from the U.S came back home for his school vacation. Tsak! uber Tsak! we spent the evenings at Starbucks People Support. waiting for aileen and andy to come out and play. had tons of fun drinking and singing too!!

June: Time does fly when you're having too much fun. after spending most of May either drunk or hyped up with caffeine here at the Metro, we the kaladkarins decided to take it out of town... so once more we hauled our nice smelling and very very cute bodies over to Laiya, Batangas (Coco Grove naman) was also waxing a lot of poetics during this time... at para kanino naman aber? edi para sa kanya. hahahahaha... this was also the time where i left XBOX. it was sad for me since Microsoft was a fun company to work with. however if management doesnt actually know how to value their people, i might as well leave the company and look for one that does. so June 22 came and from this point, i was a rich jobless bum.

July: my favorite month!!! why? its because its my birthmonth! this year was utterly fab fab fab because it was 07.07.07.

spent my 25th birthday with the beautiful people. we went to antipolo and sung, drank and swum to our hearts content.

as an added treat, i vacationed in singapore for a month. arrived July 21. spent it with cool cool friends. this was also the time where i was able to catch up some reading. read lots and lots of books by various authors, Vikram Chandra, Carlo Luis Zafon, Milan Kundera, Ben Hills and Paolo Coelho.

i felt very loved by friends because even if i was in another country we never failed to "meet up" from 10am - 1pm. we had our daily video conference... or vonfe.

August: found a new job in Cubao. made some new friends...

Japeth pops back up in my life... since there was a disturbance in the force. we kinda mucked about with friendship and the thin grey lines that surround it.

this month held two of my saddest goodbyes. the first one was to the Harry Potter series. i finished reading the last book in the 7 part series. the second saddest goodbye was to a friend. he never saw me as one. so it was sad for me since... well... since. hahahaha.. hanggang dun na lang.

wonders of all wonders. when a door closes, a window opens. when i said goodbye to a friend, i said hello to a familiar face. John resurfaced from the muck that he calls his life (workaholic animal this John...hahahaha) so we just picked up where we left off.

September: this was one of the weirdest months in my year. flew to Sg to do nothing. had a fight with japeth. saw the Green Archers take the 2007 Men's Basketball Championship away from the then undefeated UE Warriors. met up with PExers. met Dale and Glen. spent my days with japeth. spin. rinse. repeat.

October/November: spent half of it locked up in my tower. was really really pissed off at humanity in general and friends to be specific. got into a vehicular accident too. cracked a couple of ribs. went out with my prettyful friends. and generally was focused on my work.

December: my second favorite time of the year! i love the Holidays. spent more time with my friends (yihee~ alabyu aileen!) and family. John visited Manila with his Mom. I got to meet his mom and he got to meet my parents (in a mall take note.. :lol:) we had a super time together. he is one of the most charming men that i know. a true gentleman. (it didnt hurt either that he had this delightful British accent... think Rupert Everett) Spent Christmas with my family and then New Year's Eve with my two best buddies. Howie and Jp. We drank old people alcohol... hahahaha Johnnie Walker Blue Label and lots and lots of brandy. We three also watched the sky lit up with beautiful fireworks. i think we spent one hour on the rooftop of Howie's building awe struck with the lights that decorated the clear night sky.

wow... pretty busy year for me... later on tonight its going to be my first day at my new office. New Job. New Year. New blessings.

like i said. i am living a beautiful and blessed life. for that i am thankful. praying that 2008 will be the same or much more beautiful than the last year. thank you friends and family for being a wonderful and important part of my life for 2007. looking forward to sharing more and more memories with y'all.

Happy 2008 to all of us.

much love,
Jeanne

Masaya mag Pasko sa Pilipinas

2007-12-24T03:44:00.000+08:00

Masarap talaga ang Pasko sa Pilipinas. Makukulay na ilaw. Masasayang tugtugin. Mga batang nanga-ngaroling. Mga pulubing nagkalat sa kalye. Di mahulugang karayom na dami ng tao sa Divisoria. Lahat ng tao nasa mall para mamili ng butingting na nais nilang ibigay sa mga minamahal at mga importantent tao sa kani kanilang mga buhay. So bakit ko pino-post itong blog na to? Wala lang. Kasi masaya ako. Kasi Pasko nanaman dito sa bansang pinaka mamahal ko. Kasi tambay ako sa Starbucks. Kasi maganda ang gising ko. Kasi magpapasko ako kasama ng aking bestfriend. Kasi masaya yung dinner namin nung isang gabi nila Andy, Eeyan, Ipper at Eden. Kasi ang hirap kumuha ng taxi ngayon sa Makati. Kasi sukang suka na ako sa Cubao. Kasi hindi ako kinikibo ni Karl. Kasi me bago ako trabaho pag pasok ng bagong taon. Kasi sweet yung mga barista sa Starbucks. Nagpicturan kami nung nalaman nila na matagal bago ako makakadalaw ulit sa kanila dahil nga may bago na akong trabaho at mga taga Starbucks Shangri-La na ang aabalahin ko para itimpla ang aking Double Shot grande iced Caffe Mocha. Kasi itong taon na ito ay hinding hindi ko makakalimutan. Kasi maswerte ako dahil ako ay napapaligiran ng kasiyahan mula sa aking mga kaibigan at pamilya. Kasi mabait sakin ang Diyos. Kasi 3 stick na lang ng yosi ang niyo-yosi ko sa isang araw. Kasi matagal na akong hindi umiinom ng beer. Kasi maliit ang kamay ko. Kasi maganda ang tugtog sa ipod ko. Kasi hindi ko alam kung kelan masosoli sakin ni Huck yung libro at dvd at pera ko. Kasi cute sobra yung bunso kong kapatid na lalaki at nag enjoy ako sa super bonding namin kahapon kahit ginawa nila akong driver ni mommy. Kasi sobrang blessed ako ngayong taon. Kasi nandito si John ngayon at sobrang saya ko dahil na meet ko na ang nanay nya at na meet na ya ang parents ko, kung yayayain lang nya ako ulit magpakasal papayag na ako. Kasi maswerte pa rin ako na kahit hindi ako magtrabaho sa ibang bansa ay nakakapag paaral ako ng kapatid, nakaka ipon ako ng pera at nakakapag luho ako. Kasi pwede ako pumunta sa ibang bansa kung gugustuhin ko para magbakasyon (wala nga lang akong kasama at wala rin lang akong oras masyado.. pero kayang gawan ng paraan yung oras. tamad lang ako) Kasi nakaka addik mag PEx. Kasi marami akong nakilalang kaibigan sa PEx. Kasi madaldal ako. Kasi mabilis ang aking mga daliri sa pag tipa ng mga salita para mabuo ang blog na ito.

basta marami pa. Pero ang gusto go rin ipa-alam sa inyo na ang saya saya ko at magpapasko ako dito sa Pilipinas kasama ng aking mga kaibigan at pamilya. Salamat sa inyong lahat. Salamat sa pagiging parte ng aking buhay ngayong taon. Salamat kasi kahit me lamat ng konti ang aking pag iisip ay nandyan pa rin kayo at hindi nyo ako isinusugod sa mental hospital (balita ko nakaka flip daw ang hangin dun) Salamat kasi patuloy ang inyong pag supporta sa aking kalokohan, sa aking hindi pag review sa Bar, sa king di pag gamit ng aking MBA at sa hindi pagtanong, hindi pagtawa at hindi pag ipon ng galit sa tuwing ako ay madadapa. Salamat sa mga magulang ko at hinahayaan nyo lang akong matututo habang ako ay naglalakbay sa buhay na ito. Salamat at hindi nyo ako pinipigilan na gawin ang aking mga gusto. Salamat sa inyong pagtitiwala na alam nyong hindi ako gagawa ng bagay na makakasama para sa kin. hay... inaantok na ako ulit.

Mamaya na lang ulit... hahahaha!

Half Truths and Whole Lies

2007-12-24T02:30:00.000+08:00

"Shoulda checked the fine print hon...That blowjob did not come with a lifetime warranty..."

"..." when she red that passage she really had to stop and laugh... and laugh out loud is what she did. While laughing a tear slid down her face. The book she is currently reading is a gift from a former colleague... Grace. She was touched by that gesture. There had only been 5 people who had given her books as gifts. Only three of them understood her enough to get her books that she was able to appreciate. as she picked up the book again, she saw that one of her friends from Canada just logged in. they talked about how to trust a person. at a certain point in the conversation, she asked him if how good is his "bullshit-o-meter" was. he said it was fairly good, however when it comes to significant other his "bullshit-o-meter" is as good as a pile of road apples. therefore he wasnt a good gauge if his "significant" or not so significant other was piling the dust on him or not. after they talked she went back to reading her book... where the main character Ellen Cherry goes.. "Neat, im delighted to learn that I've been compared to a heathen fornication instructor, a husband corrupter and a baboon's ass all in one lump" she went back to laughing once again...

is it just me??

2007-12-21T14:32:00.000+08:00

in the search field here in multiply.. the option for music aint there no more...

is it just me??

oh woe is me...

Passenger 11-F2

2007-12-16T01:28:00.000+08:00

for thee heartbeats he looks at her face, then he rolls his head on his shoulders. "so you think that that was more stupid than the car chase thing on ECP?"

she was still laughing when she answered. "yes. i think that was more stupid than what we did on ECP."

"why is it more stupid?"

"because i say so..."

he had to laugh. everytime she would get cornered she would do her because-i-say-so song. he looked up and stared at the night sky. the sky seemed like royal velvet with diamonds flirtaciously winking at him. He often wondered why their relationship status never went past the best friend stage, they had a couple of those hawwire moments before but it never progressed to anything beyond that. he takes the bottle of vodka from her and drinks from it. "why didnt you take that job offer in Singapore? from what i heard Tita Chel said that they offered a $6000 sgd for your skill set"

she jerked at the question and looked at him hard. "i didnt know you still talked to Tita Chel"

"still talked is relative. i visited her when we went to Singapore because i thought you were there. i know that you were mad at me for dragging you there just so maia and i could talk. i mean when we landed at changi, you left me there. took a cab, left your bag at Chini's and *poofed*"

she took a drag from her cigarette before answering. "yeah i was pissed off. its a good thing Orion met up with me. in the cab from the airport, i called him up and told him i had to rant about you. hahahaha. 'twas a good thing that he had work that day. so we hung out at the starbucks near tower 5."

"i see. ever wondered how come we never got past the friend stage?" he asks while stretching his arms above his head.

"its because we both know what we looked like when we were kids. hahahaha. youre a snot nosed chinky bastard child who had bad hair and funny teeth. why would i want to end up with you?" she laughingly answered.

he tugs on her hair and pokes her sides. she whacks him with the potato chip bag. they continue on like that for a few minutes then she shouts at him. "hoy punyeta! we might fall oiff this wall. i just got my ribs healed and i dont want to have them broken again. EVER.what time is it anyway?"

he looks at his watch, "its 4:38am."

"almost sunrise. as soon as it does, can we get off this wall? i need to catch some zzz's."

"sure." he looks at her and asks the question that had been bugging him for quite awhile now. "do you think i was stupid for going to singapore and tried to patch things up with maia?"

she takes the last mouthful of vodka from the bottle and throws it with violent grace to the bushes below. "i didnt that was stupid. i thought that was kinda brave, but thats just me." she shrugs right after giving that answer.

he gives her his trademark smirk, then says "thank you. yours is one of the few that matters." he reaches out his right hand and puts it over her left hand then squeezes it. she twines her fingers with his. he notices that she was wearing something on her ring finger. "is this the ring that i gave you years back?" he asks while moving his thumb over the ring.

"yup. never took it off since you gave it to me."

"cool. hey... you didnt answer my question.."

she looks at him and asks "which one?"

"why didnt take any of the job offers there in Sg?"

she grins at him and says "if you know me well.. you'd know the answer to that..."

Jeanne Likes To...

2007-12-11T05:44:00.000+08:00

sa weekend na ako mag po-post ng madrama kong mga blogs..

swiped this from Lang who swiped it from andrea (meow!)

1. Jeanne likes to write more than anything, but always makes time to attend the ball games her sons ... In the spare time she has left, Jeanne likes to quilt. ... (i didnt know i had sons already.. hahahaha)

2. Jeanne likes to look at life through 3X5's. She has amazing ability behind a camera and can make even a rock look beautiful. (weeeeeeeeeeeeeee... )

3. Away from work, Jeanne likes to ride her Honda Aero scooter, metal detect, and spend time with her three nieces and three nephews. (wow...)

4. Jeanne likes to say, "I have participated with some of the most successful companies of our times, seen great CEO's and teams in action and learned how to ... (wehehehe! Goddess talaga)

5. Jeanne likes to bathe. Likes to shower. Because we’ve made it a pleasurable experience. Jeanne associates a shower with a full body massage. (huwat?! i dont like taking baths... :lol:)

6. Jeanne likes to bring out LDS spiritual ideas and concepts through the characters she creates. (ehem...)

7. Jeanne likes to stay in motion, so the upbeat tempo at Salmon Bay suits her perfectly. (cool...)

8. In addition to singing with Corporate Radio and doing some part-time modeling with IMI Talent, Inc, in her spare time Jeanne likes to read (i didnt know i do modelling?)

9. Jeanne likes to spend her spare time cooking (great desserts!), and doing things around the house. (yep.. thats me)

10. He and Emma are both happy they were "raised in a dog kennel," as Jeanne likes to joke. (hmmm... di ko gets to)

===

that was amazing and cute! kakatuwa... it fit me!

Passenger 11 F

2007-12-09T01:14:00.000+08:00

"...and yet what?..."

" and yet, i have never seen a person so dumb and smart at the same time.i really wish you could see yourself through my eyes. its tiring to have this conversation. the bottomline here is that you are worth it. you are worth being a friend or lover for. YOU just have to know it."

she laughs at him and tugs at his hair. "hoy youre too serious. lets change the topic na lang. Lets talk about YOUR booboos..."

he looks at her and laughs too. but in his mind he was thinking, she never understands my argument. if she wasnt a dear friend, he would have given up on her a long time ago.

"Never you mind my booboos! hahahaha... at least im not attracted to bald gay men..."

"which one?" she answers while guffawing. "the one abroad or the one at the office?"

"both"

they kept on laughing till tears started springing from the corners of their eyes. she then takes a long drage from her cigarette and then asks him "so you over that whole asian disaster?"

he looks away and stares at the setting sun. "not really. i guess i should, but i still love her."

"aww sweetie..." then she goes and gives him a one armed hug. "so we're all stupid in some ways... but you know, in our 15 year old friendship, the stupidest thing that we've done was that one night..."

"which one? the one at your place or the one in Singapore? so you think that it was stupid?"

"uh, yeah.. that was.. wait.. what happened in Singapore? was i there?"

chuckling, he answered "yeah, when she called me and i was rushing out of the house and we did the car chase thing on the ECP..."

"ooh.. that..."

"what night were YOU talking about anyway?"

she couldnt answer because she was laughing so hard. so he poked her on the sides until she gave him the answer.

"when you kissed me... hahahaha... it was a good thing that my friend called up.. who knows what might've happened if he didnt. but that rated pretty high in my stupid book. i mean.. i had to pat the top of my head to see if it wasnt blown off... mind you, that was one helluva good kiss though..."

commercial muna...

2007-12-08T22:52:00.000+08:00

FOR RENT:

Slightly used, perenially happy, occasionally eccentric 25-year-old female. Answers to the call "Jenn" or "eLDi" or "Tesa". Good listener --enjoys it in fact, as long as the unloading of psychic garbage is regulated. Perfectly willing to try to engage in conversation, or play billiards or hang out at starbucks --unit is part of the "quiet type" series. Open to all avenues of interest, but seems to be more receptive to writing and reading. The cost: free of charge, although time and effort is required for a friendship to blossom. for more details... send me a message...

Vodka with MSG .. v.2

2007-12-06T04:29:00.000+08:00

"so why quiet all of a sudden?"

she looks at him. the setting sun glinted off his glasses and then laughs.

"nothing really. its just that i know why people treat me this way, yet i dont know why i cant seem to change" she says then takes a swig from the half empty vodka bottle.

"coz youre a doofus. but youre my doofus. so its okay" he laughingly said while ruffling her hair. "what i cant figure out though is that why cant you seem to get over the fact that people WILL like you for you. not for what you can buy for them. take me for instance, when we first met... you had a booger hanging from the tip of your nose and you were short. well, youre still short now anyway, but i still like you."

she had to laugh at that.

he took a long drag from his cigarette and then blew it out. "Buying people things dont make them like a person - not for real most of the time mind you - remember the guy you were mooning over lately? you spent tons of money on him as if he were your boyfriend... or me... did that get you anywhere? nope. he just got used to the fact that you send him things every time he'd ask for it." he takes another long drag from his cigarette then continues on. "did he like you back? i dont think so...youre a smart lady, funny, charming, very gullible and intelligent at times. whats not to like? so please stop harping on the fact that society doesnt consider you beautiful. its all in your head. ive seen you act when you think no one is looking. you have this jene sais quoi that is really attractive."

she smiled at this point. he would always give that speech to her whenever they would have this conversation. the "jene sais quoi" speech.

she pokes him on the shoulder. "yeahyeahyeahyeah... so if i really AM as attractive as you say, how come im single?" then gives him her dimpled smile.

he sticks his tongue out at her and says "thats such a dumb question. i really cant answer for my specie, however if you would really want an answer here are some: because youre crazy. because youre a workaholic. because youre fat. because youre so self conscious that it annoys them. because you put up walls that they cant breach. because they think youre high maintenance. because they think youre too smart for them... take your pick."

she takes a cigarette from the pack and lights one. the flame flickers dangerously close to her hair as she lights her cigarette. this was a new one. she sniffs the vodka bottle and then checks the msg quotient of the chips that they were eating.he never said that before. she looks at him trying to gauge his temperament.

"you mad at me?" she quietly asks

"im not mad at you. im just annoyed. we've had this conversation over and over and over again. but you dont change. it annoys me to no end that you allow these people to abuse you and take advantage of your kindness. ive been your friend for years and yet..."

...to be continued...

Vodka with MSG

2007-12-03T06:49:00.000+08:00

they were just continuing on an argument. one that they have talked about again and again. one that never gets resolved, only pended.

"the problem with you is that you are always waiting for people to disappoint you. its not wrong to let people in once in awhile" he says while opening the freezer to grab a bottle of icy cold vodka.

"fine. so what if i only let a few people in my life. is there something monumentally wrong with that? im nice to all people anyway! i make them feel nice... good about themselves." she says while opening cabinet doors looking for chips for them to munch on while they downed the bottle of vodka.

"yeah youre nice to them alright. giving them material things and spending money on them doesnt necessarily equate as being NICE."

she gasps at this outrageous statement.

"take that back! or else ill hit you so hard on the mouth, your dentist is going to wake up."

he laughs at her while she threatens him with a huge bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips.

"we have been friends ever since i can remember. we have gone through relationships, graduations, deaths in the family or friends, gone through the deepest of funks, did a lot of stupid things together and individually and yes, we even talk about your period and how erratic they are. but you cant tell me that i dont know you." he says while opening the door for her.

they were heading off to the vacant lot adjacent to his home. there was this wall there that they sit on. it had been on that lot ever since they moved to the village. he would often go up there to think and watch the sun rise or set. a lot of times it was with her.

"i dont understand people." she says in a small voice

he laughs at this statement.

"well i understand you. what i dont get is why you try to please people who treat you like dirt, while people who treat you well... you somewhat take for granted."

she looks at him incredously... but then shuts up for a moment...

Fifty Questions from Dale

2007-11-30T06:39:00.000+08:00

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
** credit card... but i rarely use them and when i do... i zero them out as soon as i can

2. What do you think of Inland Empire?
** i found it weird when Nikki started to become Sue... creepy really.. are you supposed to understand the disjointed sequences? i got lost in that poland/cali thing too...

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
** not really..

4. If you could go back and change one thing, what would it be?
** i think it would be to not be his friend. i dont think i was treated like one...

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
** Miss Dy.. she always called me a little devil (hahaha and she was our religion teacher)

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
** lay on a hammock (on a beach.. or maybe sa pearl farm), grab a Chuck Palahniuk book and down a beautifully chilled pitcher of Absolut Mandarin... or be on that "firewall" with Japeth and watch the sun go down, talk all night and THEN watch the sun rise... or go to Vancouver...

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
** i wanted to be a teacher... (and i know am a teacher of sorts..)

8. How many colleges did you attend?
** three (for two degrees mind you)

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
** its a shirt that i got from my friend... it says "Blame Canada" hahahaha...

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
** ugh! hate it so much.. i find it weird that the value of the Peso had gone up considerably in the world market, however we still have high gas prices... isnt it supposed to happen that there should be a rollback or something?

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, who and where?
** rupert everett and me in Barcelona... romantic city with this utterly charming man with a delightful brit accent.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
** i dont use an alarm... but when i woke up, i was thinking.. dagnammit.. i didnt want to go to work.. i just wanted to stay in bed and get some more sleep

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
** i miss him. i dont want to go to work. i want to go on vacation, probably Barcelona

14. Favorite style of underwear?
** *evil grin*

15. What are your thoughts on downloadable music?
** it goes both ways for me... its a boon because i DO support piracy.. *lol* however, it is also a bane since it makes going to a live concert a dying art (like reading)

16. What errand/ chore do you despise?
** cleaning the house. im O.C i want everything in a proper place and when i start organizing/fising the house... its so hard for me to stop

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
** to do what?

18. Get up early or sleep in?
** getting up.. lets me know that i have another day to live...

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
** Ginger from As Told By Ginger (Nickelodeon), Mandy from The Grimm Adventures of Bill and Mandy (Cartoon Network) and Buttercup from Powerpuff Girls (Cartoon Network)

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/ guy?
** cop a squat and have coffee while talking...

21. What was the last lie you told?
** that i was over something...

22. When did you first start feeling old?
** havent felt that yet

23. Favorite '80's movie?
** The Breakfast Club.. love that movie.. even it is cheesy

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
** chicken.. or shrimp

25. What do you get every time you go into an Apple store?
** salivate over a mac book.. even if i already have my baby ASUS (sorry sweetie..)

26. Beach or lake?
** Beach.. i love the sound that waves make when they reach the shore...

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
** no... but most people do, which sucks really

28. Do you own property?
** yes.. its in Makati.. i'll use it once i finish paying it off.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
** wrapping my books in plastic covers. (oh my god.. that is so nerdy)

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
** If Only by Jennifer Love Hewitt... my golly, i think thats the only movie that she starred in that i absatively loved...

31. What's your drink?
** Absolut

32. Cowboys or Indians?
** can i say chinese? :lol:

33. Cops or Robbers?
** neither

34. Who from high school would you like to run into?
** probably Dennis... he's this really smart guy who i got to know for awhile but lost contact with when we went to college

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
** i rarely listen to the radio now...

36. Long and fast or short and slow?
** what are we talking about here? if its about sex.. can i have both? like long and slow or short and fast?

37. What adult-oriented website would you recommend?
** i dont know

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
** caring too much...

39. Do you like the person who sits directly next to you at work?
** right now its Cristina... yeah..she's this pretty nice lady. quiet really.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
** JK Rowling, Neil Gaiman, Pablo Neruda, Robert Frost, Maria Rainer Rilke, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez... i'd pick their brains

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
** im a cave creature.. but i love the outdoors too

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
** nope.. but ive been crashed into a couple of times already

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
** no.. but i think it would be monumentally cool if i did..

44. Last book you read for real?
** Diary by Chuck Palahniuk... i loved this part where it says: "Leonardo's Mona Lisa is just a thousand smears of paint. Michelangelo's David is just a million hits with a hammer. We're all of us a million bits put together the right way."

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
** yes.. his name is Buddy... he's been with me since i was a kid..

46. Have you ever peed in public?
** not that i can remember...

47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
** Hermosa Beach... my cuzzie said 'twas pretty there

48. Do you go to church?
** yes every sunday

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
** a new relationship... it does get lonely at times...

50. Open or closed marriage?
** CLOSED...

===

swiped this from Dale.. :*) thanks!

For the Love of George

2007-11-26T01:38:00.000+08:00

3am Manila. Bored. Aimlessly meandering through pinoyexchange.com.

i stumble upon the call center thread where one PExer posts this link: http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/tickets1.htm

since i had nothing better to do, i clicked on the link. i wasnt expecting anything in particular. i thought that this link was for the usual call center boo-boos... but no. this link is different. MUCH different.

please, if you have the time (well if you have too much time on your hands and want to be entertained...) kindly visit the site (or just click on the link posted above) and share my happiness. bear in mind that George is 100% american. Born and bred in Texas.

i dont know if there is something wrong with my sense of humor... or if my sense of the absurd had become so shallow that i get tickled by the fact that this person can make me laugh... just by... hahahaha... just read it to find out...

enjoy. HAVENING a nice day to y'all!

Live. Love. Life In Divisoria

2007-11-25T23:56:00.000+08:00

most of my friends say that i am lucky to live in the Divisoria area. there are days that i do and there are days that i dont.

i hate it when BER season comes because it makes it very difficult for me to bring a car to work. the thousands of people that troop to Divi and bargain their hearts out doesnt help my case either. noise pollution ups by 1000% making it hard for me to get some sleep.

the pictures here are some of the reasons why i love living in Divi. (well aside from the fact that if and when i run out of clothes, i can just go down the stairs and cross the street and i can buy a whole new wardrobe)

syempre on the first pic.. napaisip ako.. sino si Stepen? (hahahaha step in pala!!!)

next picture... :lol: BREVEHEART. pirated na pirated sya!! hahahaha... i know it was very risky to show the world that you have a high end mobile phone while in divi, but i couldnt help myself. i HAD to take a picture..

so there.. share ko lang!

Thank God for Thanksgiving Day ^_^

2007-11-23T02:13:00.000+08:00

i love not having to go to work in the middle of the work week. today North Americans are celebrating Thanksgiving Day, so i will be posting some thanksgiving shoutouts of my own.

PExers: i am happy that we have taken our online relationships to the next step. I love sharing my life with you... hope we stay friends till we're all old and decrepit.
Mappet, Harvey, Japeth, Pot-Pot and Jerky: you guys picked me up when i was in the doldrums. Everytime i think about the first time we climbed that damned "firewall" and the booboo last saturday when Mappet kicked the ladder so we couldnt get down from that damned wall.. i wouldnt have minded staying on top of that wall forever and get UTI, as long as i could watch the sun rise with you guys...
Mayo: dude, pare, chong... thank you for being the crazy fool that you are. for tolerating a loopy lady like me. i love our morning coffee bonding moments. sawa na satin ang Starbucks... hahaha..
You: for inspiring me. Seeing you makes everything feel better. I thought I lost you there awhile back, but im happy that you're back... seriously... i am happy. just the thought of you being around comforts me.

o sya tama na yang drama ko.. inaantok na ako.

me and my silly grin

2007-11-19T02:09:00.000+08:00

i havent felt this happy in quite awhile. giddy happy. wired happy. manic happy. its not that i havent had my happy moments... i have had my i-am-content-happy moments, those serene-smile-oh-nirvana-happiness, et al but this weekend was different. i cant discuss the full details while i am hazed in this happy fog... however, i feel very happy that somewhere on the other side of the world, someone is wearing the other half of my big silly grin.

I. AM. HAPPY!

These are a few of my favorite things

2007-11-08T06:56:00.000+08:00

these are a few of my favorite things: my charm bracelet (a gift from my boss Kristen. its so cute because the charms that are on it are related to travel. like an airplane and luggage set and a camera) my red Benetton knapsack, my lunch bag and of course my Starbucks commuter mug (one that i bought in Singapore) wala lang!

Bessy Day

2007-11-05T01:45:00.000+08:00

i had the loveliest day yesterday.

spent it with one of the few people that i love on this planet, my bessy.

funny thing is, sabi nila hawig daw kaming dalawa. hahahahahah!

---

was able to talk to a lost friend last night as well. i am happy to say that he is doing well and good,. i never liked the thought of losing contact with friends. so last night when we were talking i was happy,. it was a nice way to end a perfect day.

Breakfast at Starbucks...

2007-11-02T06:51:00.000+08:00

i love spending my mornings alone. so every after shift i'd park myself at Starbucks, catch up on my reading for a few hours before heading home.

i lead a wonderful life.

i am blessed.

F*cking Frustrating...

2007-11-01T15:41:00.000+08:00

maybe there is something really wrong with me...

i enjoy going to the office because i love my new job and everytime that i go to the office i have something to look forward to... my new object of my lustful affectations. Oscar. He's this Quality Coach from Publishing. I met him during one of the orientations that the office had hosted.

---

Since it was Halloween last night, there were some people that wore costumes. one of them was my office inspiration... Oscar.

btw... Oscar is a little gay. i havent confirmed it yet, but he is...

kakainis dba.. crush ko bakla.

ay ambot.

---

this is my messy desk. note the Lilo and Stitch Coloring book. that is my stress reliever.

such a messy desk...

tired...

2007-10-31T14:48:00.000+08:00

i haven't had sleep worth mentioning for the past nights. i am crankiness personified. so looking forward to the uber long weekend ahead. i need me to get some sleep.

----

I find it so cute that my babe and me wore the same shirt on the same day. hahahaha... we look like walking ads for adidas.

----

i love the new look that Starbucks Araneta has. (i mean they just changed the chairs and stuff, but i love it nonetheless) i feel more comfortable chillaxing there now. going there tonight for my caffeine fix.

Locked Up in my Tower

2007-10-21T13:35:00.000+08:00

The point self reflection is, foremost, to clarify and to find honesty. Self-reflection is the way to throw self lies out and face the truth- however painful it might be to admit that you were wrong. We seek consistency in ourselves, and so when we are faced with inconsistency, we struggle to deny.

Denial has no place in self-reflection, and so it is incumbent upon a person to admit his errors, to embrace them and to move along in a more positive direction.

For sometimes we are afraid to hope, because hope breeds expectation and expectation can lead to disappointment.

And so i ask myself again, without the protective wall - or at least, conscious of it and determined to climb over it - why do i feel kinship to some people who has betrayed almost everything that i came to hold dear? why do i think about them ever?

I have often wondered, even recently and even as i ponder this new direction, if they are the one who i might have been had i not chosen the paths that i have chosen.

Reality is a curious thing. Truth is not as solid and as universal as any of us would like it to be; selfishness guides perception and perception invites justification. They physical image in the mirror, if not pleasing, can be altered by the mere brush of fingers through hair.

And so it is true that we can manipulate our own reality. we can persuade, even deceive. we can make others view us in dishonest ways. we can hide selfishness with charity, make a craving for acceptance into magnanimity, and amplify our smile to coerce a hesitant lover. the world is illusion, and often delusion, as victors write the histories and the children who die quietly under the stamp of a triumphant army never really existed. The robber baron becomes philanthropist in the final analysis, bequeathing only that for which he had no more use. the king who sends young men and women to die becomes beneficent with the kiss of a baby. every problem becomes a problem of perception to those who understand that reality, in reality, is what you make reality to be.

For a more difficult alteration than the physical image is the image that appears in the glass of introspection, the pureness or rot of the heart and soul.

For many, sadly, this is not an issue, for the illusion of their lives becomes self delusion, a masquerade that revels in the applause and sees in a pittance to charity a stain remover for the soul. How many conquerors, i wonder, who crushed out the lives of tens of thousands, could not hear those cries of inflicted despair beyond the applause of those who believed the wars would make the world a better place? How many thieves, i wonder, hear not the laments of victims and willingly blind themselves to the misery wrought of their violation under a blanket of their own suffered injustices?

when does theft becomes entitlement?

There are those who cannot see the stains on their souls. some lack the capacity to look in the glass of introspection, perhaps, and other alter reality without and within.

Only there, in that place, is the road of redemption, for any of us. only in facing honesty that image in the glass can we change the reality of who we are. Only in seeing the scars and the stains and the rot can we begin to heal.

I am not a king. not in temperament, nor by desire, nor heritage, nor popular demand. i am a small player in the events of a small region in a large world. when my day is past, i will be remembered, i hope, by those whose lives ive touched. when my day is past, i will be remembered...

I hope, fondly.

just to keep you informed

2007-10-15T12:18:00.000+08:00

im locking myself up in my tower for the meantime... my faith in my fellowmen has waned once more
sold my vaio today.
having my internet connection cut off.. i want to disassociate from the world for the meantime. same goes with my mobile phone.
i have 2 cracked ribs... car accident. long story.
i know understand why Gregory House loves Vicodin.
i wish i was dead... really... heart smashed into smithereens...
getting a little annoyed... when will you pay me back?

to touch and be touched...

2007-10-04T14:17:00.000+08:00

early this morning, i felt that i had a stiff neck. i rotated my head clockwise and counterclockwise a couple of times. Lorrens was seated beside me, he goes "Babe, ano ginagawa mo?" so i told him that i think i have a stiff neck.

i was surprised when he offered to give my neck a massage. my hair is kind of longish already. i think he was having a minor problem with my hair in the way. he asked if i had a brush and a scrunchie. i wasnt really paying attention to what he was doing since i was reading something from the WBT.then i was surprised when he brushed my hair and put it up in a ponytail. then resumes the massage.

the last time someone brushed my hair was when i was a child. i was just pleasantly surprised that someone did it to me now that im a ~~grown up~~ adult. my lips kept turning up at the corners. i was touched by the gesture. i know its no big deal, but it was heartwarming.

i am pleased.

---

I just finished screaming my lungs out. The Green Archers have take game 1 of the best of three championship against the UE Red Warriors. It was a hell of a game! There were so many lead changes and turnovers and deadlocks that even Nostradamus couldn't have predicted who would win the first game. The last 14 seconds of the game was a breathtaking...

I guess it all came down to championship experience and who wanted it more. Both teams had excellent coaches... the Pumarens are two of the best coaches in the league, but coaching can only do so much... its the players that are the ones that make it happen.

and they DID.

mad props to #11 Tyrone Tang for being an excellent point guard and leading the team to an important victory (heehee.. syempre biased ako coz he's my pamangkin). Cholo Villanueva, JV Casio and Rico Maierhoffer for being the pillars of strength that the team rests upon and of course Coach Franz Pumaren... steer the course to Victory!!

Animo LaSalle!!

They WON the war...

2007-09-30T20:12:00.000+08:00

this made my day. Garret thanks super much for recording the game and sending me a copy!

I am not joining the countless people that do the bashing thing when game time comes around.. but all i can say is: the game was SWEET. it was a nail-biting-teeth-gnashing-hair-pulling-cloth-rending show of superb athletecism.

Both teams did there best, but sadly, there can only be one winner.

Ateneo may have won battles but LaSalle won THE war.

to Tyrone... stand proud baby! GO #11!!!

Animo LaSalle...

alis muna kami...

2007-09-30T03:54:00.000+08:00

just killing time before the 2pm flight.

really really pissed off at this point.

pero friend ko sya eh... wala ako magawa.

---

office cam whoring once more...

the weekender

2007-09-29T05:00:00.000+08:00

had a humongous fight with Jap last night. i told him that i really didnt want to go to Singapore. he said that he really wants me to accompany him.

putangina men... asar to the most fatal level.

so.. ill be in Sg this sunday/monday.

---

latest office cam-whoring... *lol*

off to Sg this weekend

2007-09-28T05:45:00.000+08:00

around 3am today, Japeth calls me up. he blabbers on something about Maia and Singapore and having booked a flight. i was having a bad day at work so what i did was i dropped the line. after five minutes he calls back. he was still talking in this fast, psychotic manner so i dropped the line again. he calls back immediately and asks what the hell my problem was. i told him that if he didnt slow down and breath THEN explain to me what was he talking about, id keep on dropping the line.

so the line was silent.

then he goes and says that Maia calls him up like 2 hours ago and according to him, he felt that she was giving a sign that she wanted to reconcile with Japeth. so he wanted to go there and confirm since according to him she was a little vague over the phone.

i told him that he doesnt need to go there. for one thing, she and Berks are the ones in a relationship now. and good God, have some dignity. she already dumped him. dont take her back.

he goes rambling on like an addict on a high... so i dropped the line again. i waited for him to call back. but after an hour or so... there still was no call. so i went back and focused on the training.

after shift, i saw that i had 3 messages. and these were all from Jap:

1st message:
SQ917 leaving MNL 14:20 (sunday)
SQ912 leaving SIN 13:25 (monday)

2nd message:
i booked for us both. were staying overnight at Chini's place. (Chini is his sister-in-law)

3rd message:
you cant say no. you OWE ME big time.

so i called him up and started to harangue him...

the conversation went nowhere... still trying to get myself out of the trip.

Fcuker.

a sad birthday gift

2007-09-27T13:58:00.000+08:00

today's game between ateneo and LaSalle is a reflection of the intense rivalry between the two schools.

LaSalle played a good game but in the end, bad defense and bad shots during the game's dying minutes played a big factor in their demise.

Today was my nephew's birthday (His mom, Alice is my cousin). Tyrone (#11) called me up earlier this morning to invite me and my mom to go to their place in Sta. Mesa for dinner. Sadly, i am wont be able to go since i have work this evening.

Anyway, the Green Archers lost the game today, but no worries, there is still a game this sunday.

Ang lungkot lang kasi birthday ni Tyrone tapos natalo sila...

well... mad props to my not-so-baby nephew for the good game. You kick ass. Im so proud of you!!

Animo LaSalle!!

The Validity of the Law : a repost

2007-09-25T04:28:00.000+08:00

How can anyone think of fully pardoning Joseph "Erap" Estrada after he was sentenced to a lifetime in prison? I know we all think that most of the people in the Philippine Government are corrupt, but by even considering pardoning him, they prove that there is no real justice left in the country. Might as well let all the crooks out of jail (the murderers, the child rapists, the rebels, and everyone else) because for me, Erap's crimes destroyed more than one or some lives. Pardoning him for a flimsy reason such as "national reconciliation" is a hazy lie that simply translates to me as "Get to the top and you are beyond the Law." Every educated person sees it as a hypocrisy of the people in government, the degradation of the rule of absolute law.

In the words written by George Orwell in Animal Farm "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."

Is this what it means to be a Filipino? That we forgive those that have destroyed the future potential of perhaps a whole generation of our countrymen? Pardoning him is inviting yet others to do even worse to us, our children, and our neighbors. perhaps they are already doing such things.

Destroy a generation is what Estrada has done; his actions as president have affected every single one of us; local or OFW. He's pillaged the Social Security System, damaged the reputation of our stock exchange, supported and strengthened the base of political corruption through gambling pay-offs. It only takes looking at our neighboring countries to see what our potential is and what we are considering forsaking again.

No actor in the Philippines is worth the Php 1 Billion that the country is thinking of handing back to him. There is no way that he can prove he is worth more than Php 1 Billion; much less all those billions that he's been already able to salt out of the Philippines.

Let's get real for a change. Write to your Congressmen and Senate representatives or just write a blog about it. If you can't be bothered, simply repost this blog! There has to be a point where all this bullshit chokes us, where we can't hold it in, and we vomit it out. I don't think that everyone in government is corrupt, but now is the time for everyone to speak out. If he is pardoned, that 1 billion returned to him will be paid off to the top crooks in government and another criminal is allowed to be kingpin again.

If we are real "Christians" and treat our neighbors like we would like to be treated ourselves, then surely you would forgive Erap as a man, but let him stay in prison for his crimes

--

as per request :bungi:

A Place for my Head...

2007-09-25T04:03:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a bad day. i had a fight with one of my friends.

i like helping people, but when it starts to become an obligation for me, its not fun anymore. yesterday, one of my friends called me up and asked if he could ask a favor from me. i told him that i was still waiting for certain things to happen before i could commit. then he plays the favoritism card. he says how come whenever he would be the one to ask a favor from me i would either give a definite maybe or a maybe maybe. i never commit. but when our other friends ask a favor from me, i acquiesce.

i told him that it doesnt happen that way. maybe it was just wrong timing. im all out of favors right now. i told him that in the past few months, a few friends came up to me and asked for help. ive tapped the cookie jar one too many times already. they havent returned the favor yet so i cant keep the circle going. Harvey still owes me a huuuge favor while Jam is still waiting for his to be given. then he drops the line.

it made me sad that he had the gall to get mad at me just because i wasnt able to help him out. but it made me mad because pucha naman i know kelangan mo ng tulong, pero wag mo akong i-pressure sa problema mo. i got a little incensed as well with the thought that most of my friends sometimes can be so insensitive too. Just because i acquiesce most of the time, doesnt mean that they can walk all over me.

be sensitive.

i rarely show people that i get mad because i know that more often than not relationships are destroyed by the careless, thoughtless torrent of words and emotions that pour out of you under extreme duress and once they are out in the open, you cant take them back anymore. so those who know me well, know that when im quiet, its either im drunk/tipsy or im angry.

so where am i going with this? i dont know either. i just need to vent.

i just need a place for my head.

these are the days that i question my faith in humanity...

*deep sigh*

wonderful world of Kaladkaran

2007-09-23T21:32:00.000+08:00

Just got home!

As usual, had super fun with the people from PEx. The usual suspects were there, Juju, Mimi, Aileen, Frank, Jesse and Lang. We were able to meet up with two new PExers, Dale aka winterboy/autumnsweaters (the dude with the glasses) and Glen aka glenchuy (the dude beside Dale)

Around 4pm, i met up with Drew and had coffee with him at Starbucks araneta. We talked and caught up with what was happening in our respective lives. As usual, i had super duper fun with Drew. heeheehee... non linear conversations are the best. *snicker*

Around 6pm, Lang arrives at Starbucks. We stayed there till 7pm then headed off to Cafe Havana to have dinner. Sadly, Drew didnt join us because he wanted to go home early.

Dinner was sumptuous. ^_^ Dale was first to arrive then Glen then Aileen, Jesse and Frank.

Dale was a very interesting person to talk to. very knowledgeable about music... He was pretty nice too. Smart but not in a snotty sort of way.

Glen was pretty quiet though. I didnt get to talk to him that much coz i couldnt think of anything to say...

I was a lil sad though coz there were two people that we were expecting to come but due to unforseen circumstances, they werent able to join us. (yeah, sayang Marky... next time bro)

Dale had to leave a bit early because he was meeting some friends and go watch their other friend's gig in Off the Grill. Glen stayed on till around 10pm but had to go home since he has to go to work tomorrow early.

Anyway, Mimi and Juju were the last to arrive (ay humabol pala si Eliza) after another round of drinks, we paid for the bill and transferred over to Starbucks (again) coz Cafe Havana was already closing for the day.

The Kaladkarins talked some more. We started planning for Oktoberfest and the Holloween party and the Pagudpud trip next year... heeheehee...

11:59 hit and we all decided to go home... we didnt want to turn into vegetables for going past midnight. (juju will turn into a talong while we girls would turn into pechays... hahahahaha)

i really love my friends and i love sharing my life with them.

for that i feel blessed.

till next time Kaladkarins!

tired and achy.. amazingly long day

2007-09-22T18:36:00.000+08:00

this week has been short but hectic. i really love my new job! i love the people that i get to hang out with. the workload aint that heavy but it is challenging.

early on this week, Stu, Lorrens and I wanted to hang out and chill before we headed home. we three agreed to "couples" or to expound on it, a couple of bottles of beer (maybe 2 or 3) sadly no one wanted to join us so what we did was we rescheduled it.

we told the people that we would go couples this weekend. there were a few people that consented. so when saturday 6am hit, Nikki, Aris, Lorrens, Stu, Jesh and I were the only people left that wanted to hang out and bond.

so we trooped over to Jesh's condo and had breakfast. Breakfast was instant pancit canton (chili), soft boiled eggs, ham, brownies, egg tarts, rice and icy cold bottles of red horse. (hahahaha)

we ended the session around 3 in the afternoon. after laughing, smoking and drinking to our hearts content. (albeit temporary contentment,,, hahahaha)

on my way home, i received an SMS message from Nikki. she says that Jersey wanted to have another bonding session this evening. so nikki sent an SMS message to everyone asking if they wanted a two-part special.

i think most of them complied, but me, i had to decline. so i told her that i need to catch some sleep and i had church tomorrow. i told them to have fun but be safe. ^_^

this was a good day and i had super fun.

looking forward to chilling out with the kiddos more.

i got home around 4pm and immediately fell asleep. imagine i was up for more than 24 hours. i woke up this evening because i needed to go to the little girls wee wee room and my tummy was feeling predatory.

i rummaged around the fridge and found nothing worth eating so i just decided to post this blog and then continue with the business of me getting some much needed sleep.

tomorrow, the rRk kaladkarins and I will be chillaxing. so amma go grab more sleep now...

abientot!

disclaimer:
congruence is an issue with this post.. i KNOW. but i cant think of a better way to blog this... me thinks me killed one too many braincells today. *guffaw*

signs?

2007-09-21T13:52:00.000+08:00

when i woke up this afternoon, i didnt immmediately get out of bed, i lay there and kinda mucked about in my head.

while mulling things over i grabbed my baby asus and opened my media player and played my usual playlist. the shuffle on my playlist is ON and i closed my eyes again while listening to the music.

while i was thinking about ~~him~~ err.. someone... the song "It'll All Work Out" by Tom Petty starts playing. i had to laugh. continuing with that line of thought... the next song was "IO (this time around)" by Helen Stellar. i laughed again... still thinking along the same line of thought... the song "Where to Begin" by My Morning Jacket start to play. the hair on my head and arms started to rise. im like.. wtf?

bear in mind that the shuffle mode was turned on. i looked at my playlist and i see that there are other songs on the list... but the weird thing is that it played 3 songs in succession from the Elizabethtown soundtrack... how truly apt.

hahaha.. wishful thinking? i dont know... but i think someone up there is playing a trick on me... i dont know what He's trying to say.. but seriously... i hope He clears it up... hahahah.. its no fun being the butt of a cosmic joke.

i gotta go and prepare for work now...

*gets up from bed and sings...*

On and on and on I drive
when will I know I've finally arrived
So far I've gone, so far to go
It never ends

Always startin over but somehow I always know where to begin

Tomorrow...

fantabulous

2007-09-21T04:09:00.000+08:00

so retro night was a flop. *lol* only Lorrens, Jersey, Nathan, Grace and I complied. hahahah. (syempre praning ako... gusto ko active participation sa mga pakulo sa office) but i digress.

Anyway, the picture is kinda dark coz i used my cam phone to take a picture. yeah, thats me and Lorrens. o dba, he looks so hawt! hahaha... love the shades. funny thing is (hindi kasi kita sa pic) Lorrens has chest hair... around 12 of them. hahahahah. no i didnt try to count it, makasuhan pa ako ng sexual harassment. but i had super fun making fun of his threadbare carpet. ang cute ni Lorrens no.. heeheehee... i have this weird penchance for kalbo guys talaga.

its almost Sunday!!!! super looking forward to seeing the Kaladkarins again. *big grin* and some other people. hahahah.. the mini inuman session has now grown into a multiply and PEx EB. hahahaha... (balita ko cute daw si Dale... *wink*)

the new people that i'd be meeting would be... Mark (Huck's friend), trueasiatiktribe (Mark's friend), winterboy aka dale and some other people... *lol*

hay, antok na ako.

so gotta bust...

night y'all!

Tonight is RETRO night!!

2007-09-20T04:07:00.000+08:00

i love dress down days!!

Paul told me earlier that since it will be dress down day later tonight and tomorrow, the theme would be 60's - 80's retro!

now im wondering what should i wear. ugh. the problem here is that Simone and I plan to meet up early tonight and have coffee at Starbucks Araneta BUT we remembered that Fall Out Boy's concert will be tonight and tomorrow night as well... eek... so the coffee thing will be a definite maybe...

ill be posting pictures tomorrow morning when i get home :)

gonna catch some zzz's now...

oh yeah... am sooooo looking forward to this coming Sunday... weeeee!! gonna meet up with mah lovely friends and catch up over dinner and drinks!!! cant wait!!

weeeeeeeeeeee!

somewhere in between

2007-09-19T13:38:00.000+08:00

i dreamed of you...

... and it felt so right

wish you were here...

rainy mornings = bed weather = sexy times

2007-09-19T04:18:00.000+08:00

lol. makes you wanna...

hahahahaha

anyway, had a great day at work as usual. then it started to effin rain. its a good thing that i brought Sofya coz i didnt have an umbrella. but i plan not to bring her to work anymore coz parking is HELL. i swear. the office parking lot can only accomodate 30 cars at most and there are what... 300 employees in the building and most of them have cars. i have to go to work at least 2 hrs early so that i can get a good parking spot. ack! no way. id rather take the LRT to work. much cheaper that way...

anyhoochie, am trooping off to lala land... catch some zzz's for later tonight its a critical work day at the office and i need to be on my toes...

called my bessy last night... missed him so much... he says he might join the drinking chuvaness on Sunday... weeeeeeeee! miss my bessy...

oo nga pala.. oist Huck... :p wala lang... amishu

nyt y'all

messiah complex

2007-09-18T03:59:00.000+08:00

with fractured eyes
and shattered being
you come to me.

i am heartshorn.

you...
the balm to my soul
broken.

the pieces of your fragmented self
lay scattered
like shells strewn on the shore
beautiful,
yet still
broken.

i am helpless...

just got home

2007-09-17T04:27:00.000+08:00

im wet.my head hurts and yeah i havent slept yet.

last night Japeth came over looking a little down in the mouth. i let him do whatever while i was studying. around 9pm he goes, i want to go drinking. i told him he could go downstairs and buy some beer at the store. He says he wanted ambience. (whatever! hahaha) so i asked him, where did he want to go. he didnt answer he just shoved me through my bedroom door and told me to get dressed.

around 930 we were cruising around the metro with Sofya (Jap was driving of course) i close my eyes and next thing i knew we were at 7-11 at the rotonda in TAGAYTAY! (ampf!) Jap was just about to exit the store carrying 2 plastic bags. when he got in the car i saw that one bag had a bottle of Absolut and the other bag was full of chips.

We ended up at this roadside tambayan. we shelled out 30 pesos for parking. there were cottages and tables but we chose to sit ontop of the car (buti na lang at hindi malambot ang hood ni baby) we raised the windshield wipers and parked ourselves on the hood and rested our backs on the windshield.

opened some chips and took turns swigging from the bottle. and talked about a lot of stuff. come midnight.. the rain fell hard... without warning. it didnt even drizzle... hahahahaha! it just fell from the sky like a bucket full of water that was upended on our heads. we were both tipsy and slow so we just bagged the chips and covered the drink. we basically sat there. getting rained on.

we started to get cold (duh.. hahahaha) so we went in the car and nagpababa ng amats. around 330 or so we headed back to Manila. We hung out at 6750 Starbs, grabbed coffee and kinda dripped all over their pristine floor... then chillaxed while smoking.

since Jap had to open his store and i had to catch some zzz's we both decided to call it a day.

so there...

withdrawal symptoms

2007-09-16T15:02:00.000+08:00

like a phantom arm

i am bothered by your presence (or its lack thereof)

i feel a little incomplete

what im saying is...

i miss you

weekend blues

2007-09-15T16:41:00.000+08:00

its been a hohum day... as usual my weekends are spent doing housechores and doing my zen stuff.

im not complaining though. i love my life. it has been wonderful even if it is messy at certain points in time (my fault... *snicker*)

anyway, i love my life. i wish more people loved theirs.. ^_^

Its Stewie's Birthday!!

2007-09-14T03:16:00.000+08:00

Today is Stewart's birthday... weeeeeeee! hahaha and he promised that he's going to bring papaitan for lunch... *yummy*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEWIE!

---

anyway, funny thing happens yesterday at the office, Lorrens, Stewart and I were bumming around (it was like 3 in the afternoon) and then Lorrens goes... "Jenn ang cute ng shoes mo" (Lorrens is the dude that has a goatee, Stewie doesnt)

HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Im like... "Pare, okay ka lang?" and then Lorrens says "Ano sinabi kong masama?" and I go... "Uhh.. wala naman dude. Kaso nakakagulat lang yung sinabi mo..." then I snicker.

Lorrens goes all confused. Stewart and I started laughing. Then Lorrens finally gets it. He says "HOY! hindi ako bakla no. I just noticed your shoes and thought it was cute because it was something my wife would say." Stewart and I looked at each other and started laughing anew. after laughing for a few minutes more I told Lorrens "I wasnt saying anything. Nakakagulat lang sa lalaki pag nagsasabi sila ng ganun out of the blue."

Call me mababaw, but I found the situation really funny. Guess I feel comfortable with my new colleagues already.

I love my new job because the people there are absolutely nice, we basically laugh most of the time and you really feel that they care about you.

---

its another cloudy day.. but i dont care!! its B-E-A-UTIFUL!!!

*sings* the sun is up... ive got so many things to do, but its alright, today is going to be a good day!

i hope you all have a wonderful day.

later!

weemee ^_^

2007-09-12T17:33:00.000+08:00

this is me on weemee

joke! joke! joke!

2007-09-11T01:51:00.000+08:00

uuuyyyy... me tanong ako!!

ano ang tawag sa tae na hindi nakikita?

post your answers.. then ill answer you guys later.... heeheehee....

Splendid Life

2007-09-10T02:10:00.000+08:00

Its another beautiful day... a new work week.

I lead a splendid life :lovesigh:

im so happy im emitting love bubbles... hahahaha... im just rambling.

gotta prepare for work now...

Y'all have a lovely day. *okay*

xoxo! *smoochies*

Alone again, Naturally...

2007-09-09T02:54:00.000+08:00

*deep sigh*

Last night, while i was studying, Jap comes up to me and says that he feels he is okay enough to go back to his apartment and LIVE.

so... this morning at four he leaves...

here i am once more enjoying my solitude. i can now go back to sleep in peace and silence (no more snores). i can zen out. i don't need to think that i need to entertain anyone anymore. don't get me wrong, i like having Jap here, but i love being alone more. being surrounded by people day in and day out is exhausting and the sanctuary that my flat offers is like an oasis in the desert.

alone again. naturally...

----

a couple of people (the other trainers, wave 1 peeps, khordelle..heehehe) have been asking me why i chose to work in APAC instead of taking the high paying job that SGV had to offer. i mean, the salary that APAC offered IS high but for SGV, it was a ballpark figure (think 6 digits) *lol*

so why did i?

i stand by the fact that money (or the money that you earn) should not be a gauge of what you have achieved. (posted this at Marky's blog)
i choose peace of mind, less stress, self fulfillment and a good working environment over the toxicity of research and working with non contemporaries and yes i have learned this the hard way... and no amount of money can compensate for the loss of peace of mind.
i love being with people. i love to teach. so id rather teach than be stuck doing research.
all things being equal yada yada yada and looking at it from the long haul... i don't need that much money anyway. i have my savings (whose interest i can live off on) and i believe that my family is considerably well off...
if i have a family of my own... well it would be obvious that the man that i might marry should be as financially stable as i am...

there are other reasons but these are the major ones. one minor reason is: i function better at night or in the wee hours of the morning. i guess i really am a nocturnal creature.

so there...

too much

2007-09-07T22:35:00.000+08:00

wow... i just got home from the office. imagine... 17 freakin hours in the office. panalo!! im so tired, im cross eyed. my head hurts from information overload. to top things off... some stupid person might have sat down on my baby's left front fender, there is this LOOOOOONNNGGG thin gash on it... nyaaarrgghhh!!! remind me not to park near the building entrance but not too far off either... my mum is going to kill me if she sees this.

---

to no one in particular:

i miss you... i miss talking to you. hope to catch you online soon.

funny

2007-09-07T04:08:00.000+08:00

i checked my blogspot blog. *lol* and saw that my lovey bakemono-kun left a comment on one of my posts... he left a link for me to browse. i checked on the link (oh its icanhascheezburger.com) and i was utterly delighted. i couldnt stop snickering (even if the spelling nazi in me was dying to bomb the site)

anyway, just want to share something to make your day lovely as well.. :)

y'all have a wonderful one!

later...

pitching excrement to the ventilation

2007-09-06T17:13:00.000+08:00

sorry... just want to rant before i head off to bed...

long day at the office (again)

i realized that i have "friends" that if they dont need me OR if they got what they need from me... they forget all sense of courtesy... duh... im still here. why do i even call you my friends? oh yeah... coz im gullible and dumb. *start sarcasm here* LUCKY YOU *end sarcasm here*

sa weekend na lang ako mag post ng blog na mahaba... just too tired to think.

i miss blogging.

bored

2007-09-05T04:19:00.000+08:00

i should be driving to the office already, but am still here posting in my blog. work is still boring. but hopefully after next week things will pick up. for the meantime, am gonna go and make kalkal the S-drive in the office and brood to Ennio Morricone...

later...

shit really happens!!!

2007-08-30T16:58:00.000+08:00

my phone kinda got messed up... so i lost ALL your contact numbers.. please... text me and paki sabi kung sino kayo.. thanks!

blue blue blue

2007-08-29T14:19:00.000+08:00

KYRIELLE/John Payne (1842-1916)

A lark in the mesh of the tangled vine,
A bee that drowns in the flower-cup's wine,
A fly in sunshine,--such is the man.
All things must end, as all began.

A little pain, a little pleasure,
A little heaping up of treasure;
Then no more gazing upon the sun.
All things must end that have begun.

Where is the time for hope or doubt?
A puff of the wind, and life is out;
A turn of the wheel, and rest is won.
All things must end that have begun.

Golden morning and purple night,
Life that fails with the failing light;
Death is the only deathless one.
All things must end that have begun.

Ending waits on the brief beginning;
Is the prize worth the stress of winning?
E'en in the dawning day is done.
All things must end that have begun.

Weary waiting and weary striving,
Glad outsetting and sad arriving;
What is it worth when the goal is won?
All things must end that have begun.

Speedily fades the morning glitter;
Love grows irksome and wine grows bitter.
Two are parted from what was one.
All things must end that have begun.

Toil and pain and the evening rest;
Joy is weary and sleep is best;
Fair and softly the day is done.
All things must end that have begun.

---

this poem is a lil sad.. but its life. every beginning has an end. ang ganda pa ng title... Kyrielle.

i found this posted in one of my older blogs... *lol* wow pare deep pala ako dati. so unlike me now...

...huh...

2007-08-29T01:10:00.000+08:00

i cant sleep. its 5am... am still up... in 4 hours id be up for 24 hrs. my doctor would kill me if she knew i wasnt sleeping properly. i really dont know whats wrong. hay punyeta...

Oipst

2007-08-28T22:40:00.000+08:00

mga friendships na nag babasa ng aking blog posts... weeeesh ko lang nag iiwan kayo ng comment. i appreciate feedback..

wag lang lurk ng lurk!

:lol:

Mea Culpa

2007-08-24T22:29:00.000+08:00

As much as possible I try not to be depressed, but there are days wherein it seems like you never win.

Its like no matter what you say or what you do, people would always see mistakes.

Pag di mo tulungan, masama ka.
Be too nice, masama pa rin.

*sigh*

To people who can read this specially my FRIENDS and so-called friends:

You guys know I always go the extra mile whenever you call on me for help. Please, wag naman po kayong umaabuso. I dont notice that kind of thing. But I keep on hearing things from the people around me... I help and never expect anything in return. Only for you to pay it forward.

I guess, its the way I'm built.

Im sick and im tired and I dont like the way you guys treat me. And here I thought you guys were my friends...

I guess its my fault too... being built this way.

Mea Culpa...

Mea Culpa...

Mea Culpa...

Misery Loves Company

2007-08-22T02:10:00.000+08:00

Most of my friends have perfect timing. Take note... I said MOST.

Japeth does not. He has comic timing or lets say comedy of errors timing.

*snicker*

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Japeth for that. He'd always cheer me up whenever I'd be in the doldrums of despair and vice versa. This is one of those times. People say its synchronicity… I say its timing.

One time, when my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up, Japeth popped up at my doorstep and said “I sense a disturbance in the force.” He stayed in my apartment for a month (or two). Bitching at me. Nagging me. Harangue-ing me so I'd get up in the morning and go to work and not just lay in my bed wishing for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I never told anyone that my ex and I broke up. Japeth was just there.

The other time, I was channeling Bridget Jones… he picked me up from work and hung out with me. He would always say that he'd understand if any moment I'd feel like bursting into a Chaka Khan song and then drown myself in vodka and ciggies and I should be assured that he will not let me be eaten by an Alsatian.

Today upon arriving home (I went out and had coffee with my friend Andy), I saw a familiar figure perched on my washing machine... smoking. (I was feeling a little down in the mouth because… hahahaha… see prior blog post.)

Japeth.

I shouted at him...

"Hoy punyeta! Put that out! My clothes will smell like yosi!"

I did my laundry last night and my clothes might get imbued with the odd stench that only cigarette smoke has. Japeth threw his cigarette butt into the drain. When I saw his face, his eyes were swollen and his clothes looked as if they were slept in for days.

As soon as we entered my apartment, Japeth started blubbering. So I hugged him tight and cried with him. When the waterworks were over, I asked him what was wrong.

"Maia left me for Berks. She's in Singapore right now. I don’t know what to do... She called me up yesterday to tell me that she was breaking up with me. She said I didn't’t make her happy anymore. I thought everything was ok. We rarely fought. I thought we were doing ok. “These words were delivered in a garbled sobbing rush that I almost had a hard time deciphering what he was saying.

I was speechless.

I didn't’t have the words to comfort him because I KNEW that this would happen.

Berks and I met up when I was in Singapore. When we met up at Clarke Quay I was surprised that he was there with Maia. They were very sweet to each other but I didn't’t think much of it since (from what I knew THEN) Maia and Japeth were a couple.

While hugging Japeth, I could see that he looked very lost. So I walked him over to my room and sat him on my bed. I laid him down on the bed and took his shoes off so that he’d be comfortable. I turned on the a/c and tucked him in. Japeth curled up like a baby under the covers and proceeded to cry again. Not those loud sobs, but those silent heart rending tears that just keep on falling no matter how hard you try to stop them from falling. He kept repeating the words “I thought we were ok…” like a mantra…

Being the empath that I am, I started to feel tears falling down my face as well. I knew what he was feeling. I’ve been there. I took my shoes off and climbed into bed and just hugged him. Japeth hugged back. (He almost squashed the living daylights out of me. Japeth is 5’11 and 210 pounds) we just lay there and cried.

After the crying jag. I went to the kitchen and cooked dinner. I made Sushi and some California Maki. I brought it back to my room with 2 bottles of Red Horse. I woke him up and we had dinner. I basically had to force feed (and brow beat and nag) him the dinner that I cooked. He didn't’t want to eat! (Sayang ang effort ko no!) I also made him chug down the beer that I brought so that he’d calm down or something.

After eating dinner, he lay back down and just stared at the ceiling. I knew that he needed time to “mourn” so I just let him be. I watched television, played my XBOX, talked to him about MY dilemma (just to distract him from his own problem), drove to 7-11 Morayta and bought Vodka and five packs of ciggies, went home and proceeded to make myself and Japeth inebriated.

Then something stupid happened. We kissed. It wasn't’t just your average kissing… it was the I-want-to-keep-on-kissing-you-till-the-stars-explode-and-the-sky-turns-black kind of kiss. Then my mobile phone started to ring.

The shrill sound of my ringtone jolted us back from our minor lapse in sanity and we sheepishly jumped apart. I looked at my mobile phone wondering who in their right mind would call me up at midnight?

Of course…

It had to be Huck.

I. Shit. You. Not.

While his number was flashing on the caller ID, I had to shake my head and laugh at the absurdity of the situation. We had a quick conversation… The usual stuff we talk about when he calls. After the call I stared at my phone for a few minutes. Then I got back to Japeth.

Misery loves company really. I told Japeth that we shouldn't’t be doing what we were doing. I already wrecked one friendship yesterday; I didn't’t plan to wreck another one. Japeth apologized too and then we started laughing. I don’t know if it was alcohol induced but we just lay there in bed laughing till tears started to stream from our eyes and diaphragms started hurting.

As we lay in bed, Japeth started to pour his heart out. He told me everything that happened with him and Maia and what made him think that everything was ok between them. We rationalized. We justified. We tried to understand. At the end of it all, we basically had the realization that we never have control on how people feel about us, we maybe head over heels for them but they’d have no feelings for us whatsoever. Like Japeth said, its like: one night you’d be feeling all sexy and horny and sooo ready for a night of mind blowing sex but your partner would be in bed suffering from a head cold.

Sad but true. Shit happens.

So we systematically downed the vodka that I bought, finished all the bottles of alcohol that were in my fridge and passed out drunk.

Its 6am and I am incredibly hung over. I have a job interview at 9am and I am so praying to God that I get through my interview in one non-upchucking piece.

Misery loves company.

I am misery.

Eating Fire and Drinking Water

2007-08-21T03:31:00.000+08:00

I am presently reading a book recommended by my bestfriend's wifey. Its Eating Fire and Drinking Water by Arlene Chai.

Im halfway through the book and it has taken my breath away.

to give you guys a taste of what the book is about here is the blurb posted on the back and a striking passage.

---

Blurb:

My name is Clara Perez, I am a reporter.

This is the story of my country whose people eat fire and drink water, and of an oppressive regime whose decline is foretold by the singing of a river.

it is about how one man's act of kindness changes the lives of many and of a woman who bleeds from the wounds of Christ and a man whose name is Pride; a leader corrupted by power, a colonel who is an artist of pain, and a charismatic young man who dies only to live again.

And it is about me.

For on that fateful morning of the fire when I went to Calle De Leon in search of one story. I found myself caught up in another. I discovered my history.

But to learn how two tales become one, you must follow me back to that burning street, to where it all began.

---

"Watch, Laslo. Observe human nature. See how Sophia, even while she is robbed of her wholeness or what humans call dignity, continues to fight for self-preservation. As if it is possible to live when one is no longer whole. it is a strange human characteristic.

I have seen it many times. In other circumstances, of course. I have seen men who have lost, say a finger, two fingers, still beg to live. A hand, two hands, am arm, maybe a leg, still begging to live.

It makes for an interesting case study, you know, when you slice through flesh, cutting deeper, removing bits here, parts there, the subject begs ... yes, begs to be allowed to live.

You can remove so much of what makes up the human body, of what defines a human being or human life - and i refer to the physical as well as the psychological - and still the subject stubbornly insists on continuing his or her existence. The subject believes it is possible to go on living inspite of a less than perfect state. The subject is totally lacking in the understanding that life must be lived whole for it is to be lived as art. When one is no longer perfect, no longer whole in all dimensions, one makes a mockery of life.

Which poses an interesting topic of debate: where should one draw the line between human life and a lesser form of life? and is the life of this less than perfect human specimen worth prolonging? An ethical and relevant question, dont you think? It is something I have pondered on many occasions

I have one other question: who is to make the decision of whether life should be granted or denied? The imperfect subject or another party whose vision is not marred?"

And so the colonel went on as his men continued with their business and the windowless room began to fill with the smell and sweat and of sex and of blood. And through it all the sound of Rachmaninoff's music and the sound of the colonel's musings reached Laslo who could only howl into a piece of soiled handkerchief stuffed in his mouth.

When at last the men finished with Sophia, the colonel rose from his seat. The men drew back and watched with interest as he approached the cot with the rumpled sheet where the woman now lay whimpering, curled up like a fetus. They watched with bated breath knowing the best the unexpected, was yet to come. This was the colonel after all. They watched him closely as he gazed at the woman. Watched him bend close to whisper in her ear.

"Sophia..."

Her eyes flew open on hearing his voice. She drew a quick breath.

In a soft, gentle voice, he said to her, "Tell me your heart's desire, Sophia, tell me, do you wish to live?"

Laslo, mouth gagged, tried to speak. The colonel glanced at him, saying, "Listen carefully Laslo, I am about to reveal the truth of my words."

He spoke to her once more. "Sophia, tell me your heart's desire."

In the silence of that room, Sophia's words came softly but clearly. "I dont... want ... to ... die."

The colonel slowly shut his eyes, savoring her words, and a smile formed on his lips. He opened his eyes and looked across at Laslo. "How interesting, Laslo, that Sophia should define living as not dying. You see, once reduced to this imperfect state the desire to live is nothing more than a fear of dying."

He bent over Sophia once more. His voice suddenly stern, he passed judgement on her. "You are no longer perfect Sophia."

Then shaking his head gently, his voice filled with regret, he said to her, "I am afraid I cannot let you live."

Gently, like a lover, he gathered Sophia's hair away from her face. As one man raised her head, and the others pinned her down, the colonel parted her long hair in equal parts, on either side of her head. With graceful movements, he combed out the tangled strands with his long fingers. Then, he carefully twined the two sections around her neck, making them cross and cross again, pulling tighter each time, until at last Sophia understood.

She tried to scream or perhaps beg once more or to gasp for breath to last her forever, it is not clear, for the colonel, at the exact moment the music soared, pulled the ends of her hair, pulled them so tight that Sophia's eyes widened and her body for a brief moment went rigid before slowly letting go, letting go of life, as the music died...

An Exorcism...

2007-08-19T08:48:00.000+08:00

She woke up to the beeping of her mobile phone. The sweet soothing sound of a saxophone introduction of the song Tiger in the Rain slowly cut the strands that connect her to her dream. She pulls frantically at the gossamer images that were quickly losing their definition, but in a matter of seconds, they were gone. She rolls over in bed trying to reclaim the blissful state of in-between sleep and waking up, to no avail.

Resigned, she sits up in bed and picks her phone from her bedside bureau and checks the messages she incurred overnight. The usual forwarded quotes. She deletes them from her phone and then picks up her new Sony Vaio and logs into cyberspace. She checks her emails and updates her blog, multiply and friendster account. After doing so, she opens her email once more, clicks the compose button and then stares at it for a long time. Her mind is blank.

The past few days have been taxing for her. She accompanied a friend because he was feeling a little sad due to a series of misfortunate events; even if she wasn't feeling well herself. Not that she was complaining, but it did take a lot out of her. From her point of view, when you call yourself a friend, when you help them out, its either all or nothing, no half baked attempts or efforts. Most people say that she has a Messiah complex, but to her, that was her definition of being a friend.

She had to smile, the song that was coming through the speakers was "Tag Ulan" by After Image, how apt.

Kapag umuulan bumubuhos ang langit
Sa `yong mga mata
Kapag mayroong unos ay aagos ang luha
Ngunit di ka mag iisa kaibigan

Her fingers were stationary over the keyboard. Pianist fingers. That's what her father would call them. She looks at them as if they were alien to her.

Its now or never. Suck it up and get it over and done with dummy.

Then they started to move, as if they had a mind of their own.

Hello;

I'm sending you this email because I want to get on to the business of making you my friend instead of hoping that we'd be more than that. so I hope you read this email to the end. I wouldn't mind if you don't reply to this. its just that I need to exorcise this from my system or else id forever be infatuated with you.

where was i?

oh. i remember.

I think I started to fall for you when we were doing the Il Postino "poetry reading." It was too bad that I had to run an errand and we had to end it. I keep on remembering the last thing that you typed before i logged off "i hate to end this but i wouldn't want your mom to get mad at you for not running that errand " we talked for 6 hours that day. even though you were cleaning your room, you really took the time to talk to me. it made me... smile.

Then we met and you were exactly my type. I love your eyes, those long lush lashes and when you smiled, you looked like a mischievous child. They really went well with your mind, that rapier sharp wit, the absurd humor that I understand and the love for obscure music. From then on I got solidly hooked.

I always went out of my way to help you and talk to you and i think you did too because we'd talk everyday. We'd call each other. I asked our other friends... they said you rarely did that for them. I felt special.

I asked you about this. you said you were naturally built that way - sweet. Implicitly, you said that I shouldn't make a big deal about it. I tried not to, but evidences kept popping up that you treat me differently from our other friends.

So I hoped and waited. One day you told me you missed me. Cheese overload I know, but I really felt as if you were reaching out. Akala ko me gusto ka rin sakin. But according to a friend, as long as there are no formal annoucements or outright declarations of "love" wag ka nang umasa.

I never listened to them. Dumb really.

There was this one episode where I wanted to confront you, for me to know... to quote my friend MotherHen... I'm calling your shit out. Do you feel something for me? like a friend, more than a friend... whatever. I badly wanted to know. How do you feel about me?

Now, after spending more time with you, I don't think I need to know anymore because from the way you carry yourself I know that you are still not over her. From the nonchalant way you talk about her and your bestfriend, I know they hurt you, but you just take it in "stride"

Wow, this is such a long email. I apologize for that, but if you are still reading this, Thank you for making time for this.

I like you a lot... I still do. I don't know why I am so fascinated with you. Maybe its because I couldn't figure you out. I don't know.

What I do know is that things might change after this, but I'm doing this for myself. Purging myself of this unrequited love so that I can move on.

So there...

Her fingers stopped moving. She didn't know how to end it so she kept it at that. Her index finger glided over the pad area to direct the arrow key to the send button. Pale and trembling, her finger hovered over the pad. All she needed was to tap her finger and that email would be sent off to the ether, speedily directing itself to the inbox of man she had no guts to tell her feelings to, even if they were together the past few days.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and told herself: hon, this is like bungee. The hardest part is letting go and jumping off your safe place. Once you've let go, all you have is that sense of freedom that feels perfect. Just do it. She then opened her eyes and with a steady hand clicked the send button.

As she looked at the clock; it was already one in the afternoon.

She closes her laptop and starts her day.

Its a Small world after all...

2007-08-18T08:15:00.000+08:00

Last night, Huck and I traipsed around the Metro, braving the torrential rain just because we were bored.

First stop was Greenhills to sell his N92. (Absatively funny phone really... don't even dream of buying that unit.. its soooo useless.. trust me... Huck and I fiddled with that phone to death and got bored by it. its so damn uncomfortable to use.. soooo unlike a Nokia phone...) After mucking about... we were finally able to dispatch of the wretched piece of shitty technology.

Second stop was his office mate Karen's house in Kamuning. (I'll be digressing for a bit coz i don't know how you call this.. its either the theory of six-degrees-of-separation comes into play here, or serendipity or... Huck and I ARE destined to cross each others paths... coz if he wasn't a PExer, there was a possibility that we couldve met before because we were officeamates for SPI Tech... but we were in different departments) Upon entering the house, he introduced me to Kuya Gerald (the elder brother of Huck's office mate Karen) after being introduced, there was this niggling thought at the back of my mind that i HAVE met Kuya Gerald before. i just couldn't place the when and where. He was familiar to me. Huck then introduced me to Karen and her mom Tita Joy (Karen's mum) then they herded Huck and me to partake of their handa. while eating dinner i was racking my brain furiously... I KNOW that Ive met Kuya Gerald somewhere.

EUREKA!

He is a professor in my alma mater!! we've been meeting each other in school sponsored activities but we weren't formally introduced. So i approached him and asked if he was who i think he was... and i was right. Kuya Gerald then was laughing out loud, because when we were introduced early on that evening, he said he was also trying to place where we have met since I ALSO looked very familiar to him.

Its really a small world after all. This isn't the first time that this happened to me. My bestfriend Dodie and I share something like that co-inky-dink.

moving forward..

the last stop that we had to make was to meet up with Jet (equally yummy person as Huck.. hahahaha... ) so that we could give him the chocolates that were his pasalubong...

after meeting up with Jet, i took a cab home at rested. twas a long day...

call me stupid, but I'm just amazed on how the world works. people you cross paths with change you. and no matter the time or place, when you ARE meant to cross paths with that person... you WILL.

happy

2007-08-16T16:51:00.000+08:00

these past two days have been beautiful.

i am happy...

thank you God for wonderful friends and for making me feel that i was sorely missed. ang sarap sarap ng feeling.

ang sarap din ng feeling ng welcome na welcome ka sa sarili mong bayan.

home...

2007-08-12T03:17:00.000+08:00

hey friends..

im home and im so glad to be back.

there is no place like home...

homecoming

2007-08-10T07:08:00.000+08:00

im going back home to Pinas tomorrow..

there really IS no place like home.

see you when i get home friends...

saying goodbye to a friend

2007-08-08T07:45:00.000+08:00

this has been long overdue...

i have finished reading the last installment of the seven-part series of the Harry Potter books. so faretheewell Harry Potter, it was nice knowing you.

to JK Rowlings: All is well.

once i finish re-reading the HP&tDH that is when i will be posting my review.

thanks y'all

road less taken

2007-08-08T05:01:00.000+08:00

Time steals away commitments and loosens ties. Friendships are reduced to tales of the past and vague promises for the future, neither strong enough to recover what is lost. But that is what life does - it takes you down separate roads until you find yourself alone...

PRINCESS MASAKO : Prisoner of the Chrysanthemum Throne

2007-08-07T05:26:00.000+08:00

Ben Hills' biography of Princess Masako has a second subtitle: the tragic true story of Japan's Crown Princess. It is a taste of the work to come, of both the hyperbole and the author's tendency to explain everything to the reader. But then the book is promoted not as a serious biography, but as a 'romance gone wrong'. Written by a Fairfax investigative reporter, it reads like an extended feature article, with the historical strands teased out, but lacking empathy with its main characters.

One facet of the 'tragedy' is the lack of an heir to the Japanese imperial line. Crown Prince Naruhito and his wife Masako had one daughter in 2001 after clandestine IVF treatment, but no son and heir had arrived by the time Masako reached her early forties. The debate that surfaced in Japan about the solutions to the problem, including the possibility of allowing women to inherit the imperial throne, is traced through Japanese and overseas media reports and Hills' numerous interviews.

The book went to press at the time of the birth of Prince Hisahito to Masako's sister-in-law in September. It is clear in the final chapter there has been a hasty revision to incorporate the news that a male heir has finally been born to the Japanese monarchy. Unfortunately, there was no revision to a comment in the penultimate chapter that: 'in 40 or 50 years' time...the imperial line will also come to an end.' This is just one of several glitches in a work that suffers from hasty writing and hasty editing.

It is inevitable that Hills would be unable to give us the inside story 'behind the Chrysanthemum curtain'. He only glimpsed Masako once, at a train station. He had no chance of interviewing her or any of the imperial family who lived within the walls of the palace. Of those relatives and friends he had access to, many were unwilling to speak up against the Kunaicho , the Imperial Household Agency, the Men in Black as he calls them, who arrive at Masako's family home as the story begins to take her into their custody on her wedding day.

It is a fascinating premise for a story, all the better for being true. A Harvard-educated woman, who was brought up in Japan, Russia and America and was evolving into a gifted diplomat, is courted by the future Japanese emperor, and finally gives in to his request to marry him. Hills does not claim to understand why Masako made that decision, in spite of the fact that she knew how debilitating the experience had been for other royal wives. He surmises that she felt she might be able to play a role in modernising the monarchy. Nor does he draw any conclusion about her character and motivation, simply quoting the conflicting views of her friends and associates that show her personality was at times westernised and assertive and at others demure and traditionally Japanese.

Hills has an informal approach to his text, a light touch that crosses at times into the flippant, rather at odds with the subject. The lovers are 'star-crossed', a royal retainer 'a pompous old fossil', Masako's ladies-in-waiting 'bitchy biddies'. He has a taste for colourful phrases, jokes and diversions. One superfluous chapter obviously lifts a paragraph from an article by Hills on the coronation of Bokassa in the Central African Empire, concluding with a list of defunct monarchies that looks remarkably like a sidebar.

The most engaging part of Princess Masako is the story of Masako's earlier life and education, mainly because there is more information on this part of her life than her time in Japan. There is a less interesting chapter devoted to Naruhito's education that includes his time at Oxford and as a home-stay student in Australia. The development of Masako's career is an important prelude to imagining the complete change of lifestyle since she has been in thrall to the Imperial Household Agency. Unfortunately, although Hills builds the suspense, the outcome is uncertain. We do know that Masako is suffering depression. We do not know if she is still hoping to produce a son. Hills admits in his preface that this is not the final word on the subject, but does allow himself gloomy predictions for her future on the final page.

Hills states his purpose clearly. As well as writing about 'a romance gone wrong', he is exploring contentious social issues in Japan: the role of women, IVF treatment, attitudes to mental health and the monarchy. It seems the Imperial Household Agency is instrumental in barring changes in Japanese society. The prevailing attitudes and debates are well covered, although there is no adequate exploration of how the Imperial Household Agency manages to maintain its power without challenge.

Sacred Games - Vikram Chandra

2007-08-02T11:02:00.000+08:00

The New Yorker wrote about it in a lengthy review. It was roundly lauded in publishing-industry magazines and online sites, and in the Sunday book supplements of the nation’s largest newspapers.

Vikram Chandra’s intricate Sacred Games was one of the more anticipated titles of 2007, the subject of an international bidding war among publishers.

Chandra is the award-winning Indian author of the novel Red Earth and Pouring Rain and the short-story collection Love & Longing in Bombay. He teaches creative writing at the University of California, Berkeley. Seven years of his life went into writing Sacred Games and it shows in the book’s scope.

On the surface, it’s the story of India’s most-wanted master criminal, Ganesh Gaitonde, and his relationship with corrupt Sikh police inspector Sartaj Singh, who has made a career of tracking him down.

But this is no simple Holmes-Moriarty adventure or merely an entertaining read. It works on numerous levels, the most vibrant of which paints a realistic landscape of India and the intrinsic machinery that allows it to move forward, when the laws of sociology suggest the country should have collapsed long ago. It addresses crime, politics, religion, the caste system, history, business, the psychology of power, the juxtaposition of good and evil, and the effects of merging cultures on a nation—to name a few of its topics.

The hub of the book’s action is the port city of Mumbai, formerly Bombay, a metropolis of an estimated 18 million people—from corporate moguls to slum dwellers. Mumbai is the teeming center of India’s entertainment (Bollywood) and business industries—including such disparate trades as banking and prostitution—and is one of the world’s most ethnically diverse cities. Opportunity and intrigue rule. So do graft, bribery and various strata of other corruption.

It is against this setting that Chandra’s stories-within-a-story spin, and what glorious diversions they are.